Category: depression

Saturday Blog 11032023

It has been a nerve wracking day. I sent my mother to the hospital yesterday afternoon because she wasn’t right. She was severely dehydrated and she hadn’t had a bowel movement in over a week. The ED is trying to make her poop. They fixed the dehydration with fluids. She could come home tomorrow if she poops and continues to do well. Unfortunately, her cancer has doubled in size and she has a partially collapsed lung. They did say it was an aggressive cancer. I didn’t want to believe that until now.

I spent most of the night worrying about my mother. I didn’t go to sleep till after 0300. I woke up to my phone blowing up with messages and phone calls. I didn’t want to deal with any of it. I was suppose to call the pharmacy to fix a mistake they have but never called. I was too tired to be put on hold. I will try tomorrow morning.

Yesterday I made pork chops and forgot about them as my mother was sick and I was trying to get her to go to the hospital. They turned into rocks. My niece had to throw them away. I was looking forward to them. Oh well. I made vegetables yesterday. My niece and I are addicted to cauliflower. We bake it with cheese and breadcrumbs in the oven and it comes out so damn good. That is all we have been eating all week.

I just did my meds for the week. I have this week of full meds and vitamins and then next week will just be meds. I can’t take any vitamins a week before surgery. I am trying to imagine what it will be like to be flat chested again. I cannot wait. I know it will be uncomfortable for a few weeks after surgery. I am a side sleeper so this is really going to suck. I might have to sleep downstairs in the recliner for a few days.

My sisters come home tomorrow. I don’t know what time they will be home. Hopefully my mother will also be home.

I had the pre op appt with my surgeon today. He told me I will need to move around after surgery to prevent blood clots because I am overweight. He said I needed the surgery. The secretary is going to get the final okays from my pcp and mental health teams. I had Anesthesia call today. Was told what to stop and take a week before surgery and the day of. I am surprised they aren’t having me shower with the stuff I had to when I had my hysterectomy. I texted my sister the time of my surgery. I have to be at the hospital at 530 for 8am op. Eighteen days. I am so excited.

After my appt, I did some food shopping as I needed half and half. I then picked up my scripts as they were finally ready. I only waited all week for them.

I came home and the dramatic aunt was over. I put the things away and my mother gets sick. She hasn’t moved her bowels in a week. She goes to her bedroom. I give her some stuff to make her puke. Half hour later she is puking again. My aunt is having a heart attack and I am getting angry with her. I called the hospice nurse as I didn’t know what to do. I gave her some Zofran. The nurse said I could give her some Haldol but that would knock her out. I figured if the Zofran didn’t work, then I would try the Haldol. She didn’t eat lunch. She was able to have dinner. Half a turkey sandwich. Her sugar is still high but is coming down. I am wicked worried. Then her other sister called after the drama queen left and I nearly lost my temper. My mother was sleeping finally. Leave the fucking woman alone.

I had a hard time settling down last night. I read two chapters of the Adler book and it didn’t help because the chapters were short. I read them in like 20 minutes. I did wake up early today. I am tired but wired. I will probably read another two chapters tonight. It is good reading.

Weird but fucking beautiful

I had a hard time sleeping last night so I read my new book. I just read the introduction. I will read more of it tonight. Even after I read the intro, I couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind kept thinking about my mother and if I should go downstairs to check on her. I woke up around 10 to pee and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I think I got up around 1 to have coffee. I made chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner. My mother didn’t eat too much. We saved what she didn’t eat. She said she would have it “later”.

I got an email from UMB financial aid office. I had to submit a disability form and I need a doctor’s note. What it is to say I have no idea as they didn’t give too much information on the website so I sent another email back to the office. It is becoming more real that I will be going back to college in the fall. I just hope that I will be able to afford it. That is my biggest worry.

Nineteen days till my top surgery. I am wicked excited. Tomorrow I see the surgeon. I just hope to god I can wake up early as it is a morning appointment. I am hoping nerves will wake me up and not keep me awake. I set my alarm so I am hoping to get up. I hate morning appointments. I wish I had a cab voucher but I don’t. They expired the end of Feb. I am supposed to get new ones but haven’t yet. I hope the program hasn’t been canceled.

I am feeling tired. Also feeling a little dysphoric as I can feel the weight on my chest from the things on it. I cannot wait till they come off. I don’t now if I am going to get nipples or not. I want small ones. I am going to tell the surgeon this. I just hope they are what I want. I also got to ask how long I will be wearing the compression vest or binder. I am not sure what I will be wearing. I am so nervous.

I got it!! My amended birth certificate arrived today!! I am so fucking excited!!