Category: depression

Two weeks post op top surgery

Today I am two weeks post op from Top surgery. The nurse just came to change my dressing. Another nurse will be by tomorrow to do the same. I feel good, just tired. It is probably because I am not sleeping during the night. I woke up around midnight last night and didn’t go back to sleep till around 4. I just couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about my mother.

I went grocery shopping as I needed half and half. I bought some cauliflower as it was on sale. I had to satisfy my addiction to it. My niece has gotten so good at making it. It was gone on Sunday when she made it and she made two heads. I am making chicken breast tonight.

I just want to sleep. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I had four cups of coffee today. I am trying to avoid a nap. I don’t know why I am bothering as I lay down for a bit and then my brain starts thinking of shit so I can’t nap. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about my sleeping pattern. I don’t know if he can change it as the trazodone didn’t work for me. I don’t want to take a sleeping pill. I am too afraid of the side effects. I woke up before 9am today and have been going most of the day. I had coffee with my sister. We are trying to get a lawyer for the estate stuff. Just hope it doesn’t cost an arm and a leg to do what needs to be done, whatever that is. I know I have to provide proof of my name change.

I am just so sad with all of this. I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I keep remembering the day my mother died and how she was sleeping and then just died. I kept staring at her, willing her to move but she was gone. There was nothing I could do. I just stared at her. My niece and sister were crying. My sister was trying to put the bed down. I didn’t think she would die this soon. I wanted her around for another birthday. I feel cheated because my sisters had her for their birthdays and I didn’t because she was in the hospital. I got her card a week later. I am saving it because it is the last birthday card I will ever get from her.

I sort of want another appointment with my therapist but not sure about timing due to the nurse coming tomorrow and then the wake Thurs. She doesn’t work Fridays. I think I will be ok. I am just feeling invisible and like a nothing right now. My niece washed the clothes I had planned to do today. She was up really early this morning. I am so tired. I got to go for bloodwork tomorrow. It’s to check my T level and blood counts. Once I have recovered from surgery, I plan on donating blood again. I also need to pick up my prescriptions. I am almost out of my antidepressant. I got to call in the morning to find out when it will be done. Sucks I have to do this otherwise it just stays in the “in process” queue.

Just done with today

I had therapy this morning so I had to get up. My med alarm is my saving grace because I think otherwise I would have slept through my appointment. I didn’t want to get out of bed today, at all. I got a message from the surgeon’s office. Nursing is still being finagled so I had to go in. I tried to keep the compression bandage on but by the time I got to the office, it fell off. They put it on before I left and by the time I came home, if fell off again. Fuck it. I don’t care anymore. It is so bloody annoying. I wanted to go to the little grocery store in the Square but I was so bloody tired. I just caught the bus home. I hadn’t eaten anything all day except some biscuits with coffee. I was starving. I really wanted ham but I couldn’t find it so I just took the lasagna. It was good. Maybe when my sister comes home from her walk, I can get the ham.

It is like 60 degrees today so I am wearing shorts with my button-down shirt. I stayed in the same clothes. I don’t care. I am too lazy to change. I am so fricken tired. I was again up in the middle of the night. I read for a couple of hours. I also wrote in my journal. I read about mentalizing by Jon Allen. I find the concept fascinating. Mind in mind, or something like that. It always makes sense when I read it but trying to describe it outside of the paper is hard to do.

My chest hurts. I keep getting cramps on my side and between the rib muscles. I took some ibuprofen. It should take care of the discomfort. I can take off the nipple bandages tomorrow and just put on bacitracin on them from now on. I can use a bandage if they get rough or irritate my clothing. Now I just need this wound to heal and I will be done. I can be shirtless. I can’t go out in the sun the first time because of scar issues but I plan on applying vitamin E to help decrease scarring. Hopefully it will work.

I wanted ham but it might have to wait until tomorrow. My legs are so heavy feeling right now. I just don’t want to get up unless I absolutely have to. There is a game tonight. I am going to listen to it and hope it doesn’t put me to sleep. Last night I fell asleep around 8pm and woke up around midnight. I don’t want to make the same mistake again. It is going to be tough as I really want to take a snooze right now.

To those that celebrate, Happy Easter. Happy Passover to those who celebrate and Happy Ramadan to those who celebrate as well.

I had a good family dinner. I didn’t eat too much. I had a little piece of cheesecake for dessert. I showered and I think it exhausted me. My niece helped change my bandage. I am compressed by ace bandages. Feels better than the binder. I think the binder shrunk in the dryer so is just really tight now.

I am glad I have therapy tomorrow. My sister said she is taking the week off of work. I don’t blame her. She needs time to heal and her job is stressful. I still feel sad and I am not sleeping through the night. I keep waking up between 2 and 4 am most nights. I try to go to bed later but it is so hard. Usually by 2100 I am ready for bed.

Saturday Blog 08042023

I had a difficult night sleeping because I put the binder on too tight. It took several tries to get it on so I didn’t want to try and loosen it for fear of it not going back on. I thought about sleeping without it but I didn’t. When I got up to have my coffee, I took it off to take a break from it. I haven’t heard from visiting nurses so I don’t think they will be coming this weekend. I am not changing my bandage on the wound. I will change the other bandages tomorrow. I just am not up for it today.

I did my meds for the week. I have to refill my antidepressant next week. I am listening to the game. They are playing against the Tigers in Detroit. They have taken the lead 6-0 right now. Another 2 run homerun by Duvall and it’s 8-0 Sox!

I am tired. I feel so low in energy. I am sad most of the time. I keep thinking about my mother. I woke up to an empty house again. I don’t know if I am going to get used to it. I got used to having coffee with my niece. We would chit chat as my mother usually snoozed for her morning nap. It had become a routine. I would get up around 10 as my mother would take her morning nap. I would have coffee. Sometimes my mother would be up and I would drink my coffee with her as she did some puzzles or something. It has only been a few days since she died. I still look in her room to see if she is there. I miss her so much.

I want to at least wash my hair but the kitchen sink has some pans in it and crap. I refuse to clean it out. I can shower but I have to have someone pack the wound as I can’t do it myself. That is why I am waiting on nursing. I figure I try and time the shower to just before they come so that I am clean before putting on new bandages.