Category: depression

I love giraffes. They are my favorite animal.

I can’t get myself to go away

I have been listening to Long Day by Matchbox 20 all day. It came on while I was listening to the playlist and I just decided to put it on repeat. I went out to get my prescription and had lunch at Starbucks. They finally had the syrups for my snickers latte so I had that today. It was so fricken good!

It was reasonably warm today for the end of December. I didn’t need a coat like I did yesterday. I saw my mother when I came home. She was doing okay but then had to lie down as pain was bad. She took a nap and then the nurse came. My aunt was over but she left after my mother laid down. While the nurse was here, my mother’s sugar dropped to 55. I gave her some juice and a peanut butter sandwich. Her sugar went up to 71. Still worrisome but stable enough for a diabetic.

I feel really tired as I was up around 0230 this morning and wasn’t able to get back to sleep until around 0500. I feel really depressed. While I was out, I thought about going to the psych ER but I didn’t have a bag of clothes with me so I nixed the idea. I need to pack a bag and I have no idea where my LL Bean backpack is right now. I have some idea where it could be but I haven’t taken a look yet. I am in no rush as the feelings of suicidality tend to leave once I get distracted. They haven’t been lingering.

I started writing my new book last night. I wrote two pages. I plan on writing more today but I am getting tired so I don’t know if I will. I tried to write the page I wrote as it was written but I went off tangent. Now I got to find the other notebook that has a page and combine the two that I wrote as I wrote different things as I was writing this one page. I am so annoyed at myself. This is what happens when I try typing what I write up.

I forgot my shirt down my sister’s so instead of turning around on the stairs, I just walked backwards. I hurt my sciatica doing so. I got a big pain in my butt. My side is also flared up but I don’t know why. I have been taking the methocarbamol every six hours to decrease the stupid spasms in my rib cages and back.

I am not looking forward to the new year. I still have three months to get through before my surgery. In the meantime, I will be helping to care for my mother as she recovers from her surgery. In the meantime, I am going to look into going back to college to get my bachelors degree. I hope I can go back to the same university I started. I just got to figure out a way to finance the education.

A day of pain

I have been in pain all day with my back and rib muscles. I went to PT and we walked for six minutes. I did 1000 steps, stopping only one time because I got out of breath. My heart rate jumped to 154 when I was done. I had to sit and rest for a bit. Then the therapist worked on my rib cage muscles. They were sore and tight. I am completely exhausted.

I took a shower today and that really killed me. I thought about not going to PT but I forced myself to go. My back was flipping out in the shower. I took some meds to calm it down. Walking to the bus stop wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I still got out of breath though.

My PCP’s office sent me a message today about an amendment to my birth certificate. It is done and now I just need to file it with the courts or something. I got to click on the website the nurse sent me. I am so excited but now I can change my sex with the social security office. No longer will I have to put F in the sex category! I am so excited!!

I should sleep good tonight, I hope anyway. I still woke up around 3am last night to pee. It was difficult to get back to sleep but I did. Then I didn’t want to get up when my med alarm went off. I stayed in bed until 11 or so. I had two cups of coffee. I really didn’t eat anything until I came home after PT. I made a turkey sandwich. I had taken out pork chops but I didn’t feel like cooking. I will make them tomorrow for lunch.

I am going to try and stay up for another hour and then take my meds to go to bed. I am just really tired and in pain. My mood sucks. I am just completely done for the day.