Category: depression

Another early morning awakening

I have been up since 0300. I just couldn’t go back to sleep once I woke up. I tried but gave up around 430. I paid some bills and then ordered breakfast as I was hungry. I was able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours after I ate. I took my meds before going back to sleep. I gave myself the T shot as today was the day it is to be given.

I made coffee. I have had two cups so far. I am making chicken wings right now. I was going to use the sticky sauce but there isn’t enough wings. I was supposed to get 10 pieces and only got 8. I am not happy with my order. I complained and got a refund. I am just going to put BBQ sauce on it and have rice with it.

I need to take a shower and brush my teeth. I stink. I swear my BO smells like pepper instead of BO. I don’t know why it smells different. It has been that way since I was in the hospital. I had the delusion I was being stuffed with pepperoni and fermented cheese because that is all I could smell, especially when I had that stupid NG tube in my nose. All I could smell was like a Romano or Parmesan cheese smell. It was weird but then I was psychotic.

My mother is coming home from the hospital. I hope she will be able to make it up the stairs to the living area of the house and where her bedroom is. We have the oxygen tanks down in my sister’s apartment right now. I guess will bring it up when she gets settled. I don’t know if she will need it or not or if it is just when she sleeps she needs it. I have the morning shift tomorrow. I think my niece will watch her in the afternoon. I have PT at 4 so will need to leave the house around 3. I tried doing the tennis ball thing on my back but it was really painful and then I hit a spot that sent pain down my back so I stopped doing it. I am supposed to do other exercises but I don’t remember what they were. I know they were back exercises or hip ones. They are all the same to me at this point. I really got to start sleeping with a pillow between my legs when I sleep as the strain is causing me hip pain. I keep forgetting to grab the pillow.

Tomorrow I need to go to the Square to pick up one of my meds. I need a refill on my Ativan but because I don’t have a valid ID right now, I can’t get it. The mail hasn’t arrived yet so maybe it will come today. I hate being without a valid license. It is my own fault as I forgot to renew when I came home from the hospital. Then when I remembered, I didn’t have the money right away to do the transaction because I tried to get caught up with my bills that are overdue. I am paying off each credit card a month at a time. The hard part is not charging back up again. I do need to get new glasses in the new year. I want to get transition lenses. I have no idea what happened to the pair I bought earlier this year. They seemed to have disappeared on me. I can’t even find the case they were in. I hope I didn’t lose them but I think I did.

Just tired

I didn’t sleep well again last night so I have been in bed for most of the day today. I only got up to have a cup of coffee and to use the bathroom. I feel really blah and tired. I haven’t made an effort to have something to eat. I am not really hungry. I have been up since 4 am and I just went out to get my prescriptions. It was a quick trip as I made the return bus home.

I ordered groceries to be delivered today. They should come in the middle of the afternoon. I ordered stuff to make my chicken wings. I make this sticky chicken wing recipe that is out of this world. I still haven’t had a meal in a day and a half. I just had coffee and some cookies with it. I just am not hungry. I have food in the house so that isn’t the issue. I still have my frozen dinners and black bean burgers. Maybe I will make a burger for lunch. I just had an Ensure last night to take with the pill I need 350 cals for.

I am going to try and write up the page I wrote in the hospital that started my book. I don’t think it will be close to 500 words. I had written one thing in a notebook and then while transferring it to another notebook so the nurse could read it, changed everything and added more shit. There is a ton of stuff I could write on and expand on.

I am still waiting for my ID. I should get word about my birth certificate maybe next week. That will start off the New Year on a good start even though it will be hard with my mother’s diagnosis and her recovery from hip surgery. She was able to walk further today in PT. She might come home tomorrow.

My heart rate has been high today. I came up the stairs and my heart was racing. My pulse was 157. After I came home and up the stairs it went down to 122. I can tell it is still beating fast. PT should be awesome trying to do cardio. The treadmill or the bike is going to be a challenge. Just hope the PT doesn’t freak out too much about it. My BP is good today and my pulse is now 93. I am happy it is coming down.

I have no appetite and I am worried my depression is getting worse. It is one of the signs that is worrisome to me. Add in the exhaustion and no motivation and you got a depressive episode that is rearing its ugly head. I have Ensure that I could drink so I can have some calories. I have been drinking Gatorade so I am keeping up with fluids.

I need to take a shower. I bought one of those loofah balls so that I can use my shower gel. I had bought one before but I don’t know what my sister did with it when she cleaned the shower. I am currently washing towels as the hamper was overflowing with them. There wasn’t that much clothes after you took the towels out but enough for a load. I need to shave my head today so maybe I will shower before the groceries get here.

Christmas Day 2022

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate, ya filthy animals.

I am having a down day. I saw my mother in the hospital. She was ok until she ate and then she got sick. I had to leave the room as I couldn’t handle the sick. It is one of two things I cannot stand, vomit and respiratory fluids. I just gag. She was resting after she threw up so my sisters and I left. It was hard watching her like this. We don’t know what we are going to do when she is well enough to come home. My sister doesn’t want her to go to a rehab place. I don’t either but I know it will be hard to have her at home as she needs 24/7 care now and who knows what kind of care/rehab she will need for her hip. I am just concerned with her falling at home.

My mood is pretty dark. I don’t want to have dinner with my family but I have to make an appearance. I didn’t sleep last night. I kept thinking about my mother’s situation. I even dreamt about it when I did sleep. I was also up a few times having to use the bathroom. I guess all the water I drank decided to come out in the wee hours of the night, no pun intended.

I feel like I am falling back into a deep depression but I am not suicidal. I am just really depressed and don’t want to do anything but lay in bed. Christmas is not my favorite holiday. Every year is hard for me. I miss my aunts and uncles. I miss spending time with my cousins. It really is just a kids holiday, not made for adults. I don’t have all the physical symptoms of depression as I still have my appetite. I am not eating three meals a day but I am eating something each day. I just feel run down all the time. I have no energy. No motivation. My muscles ache and spasm for no reason. I just think being in the hospital is probably where I should be but I am too highly functional. I can still read without a problem, though I really haven’t touched my history book in over a week.

I had told my therapist before she went on vacation that I would work on my book. I plan on writing another memoir that is focused on being trans. I have no idea what to call it yet or how to structure it. But I know I want to write it. I got ideas about it and I think it will be important to write about how difficult it is to get gender affirming care, even if you are associated with a transgender clinic. It is a big step to go through and to ask for the care that you need, not to mention going through with surgery. Going on hormones was a big decision for me and took years for me to make. It wasn’t until after my father died that I decided to move forward with my transition. It wasn’t easy as I still had to deal with my mother, who I thought would be on board with this but is not. I have so many avenues to write about.

The trouble with writing is starting. They say to write a page a day and before you know it you will have 365 pages done. I have had trouble with this. I know I can write my blog almost every day but there are some days where I can’t write because I am too tired or just don’t know what to say. Since coming home from the hospital, I have had trouble putting my emotions into words, something that I didn’t have before. I usually am able to express myself and if I am unable to do it online, I always have my journal. But there have been gaps in my journal as it has been hard for me to write. I started writing the other night and only wrote half a page. I just couldn’t get my thoughts out as to why I wasn’t sleeping. It has been so hard to write since my suicide attempt. I feel like I have lost my voice. Even writing about being depressed is difficult. The words I used to describe how I feel is lost to me. I just feel really down and dark, like there are black clouds over me. The best way to describe it is the song going down in flames by 3 doors down. That is all I kept thinking about while I was in the hospital, being in the abyss. I don’t know when I am going to be out of it. I know realistically it could be a year before I am back to my baseline depression. If I get out of it at all. They say I have bipolar II but I don’t believe that. I don’t get hypomanic. I just have a constant level of depression that is more consistent with recurrent major depression. I almost slipped into a catatonic state today while we were opening presents. I had to force myself to be present in the moment. My psychiatrist said that there is a chance of it recurring.

My license expired on my birthday. I cannot pick up my Ativan prescription because I don’t have a valid ID right now. I am waiting for the new ID to come in the mail. I hope to get it this week. It will be the “Real ID” whatever that means. I guess I will find out when it comes in.