Category: depression

Christmas Eve 2022

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate. I am really struggling. My mood is low and I am just in a precarious state. I am not suicidal but I could be in no time. I am trying not to think about it. I am trying to think of things I can do to make things better. I shaved my face and sides and back of my head. It feels good. The new razor sucks. I was not impressed with it. I had to go back to my trusty Mach3. The new Gillette labs just wasn’t doing it for me even though it had 5 blades.

I made myself an eggs and cheese with spinach meal. It was really good. I put way too much spinach but it was still good. I also put a lot of cheese in it. I loved it. I will make it again. Next time will be with toast.

I thought a lot about the Whitney Houston movie and her death. I couldn’t help but think it was a suicide even though her death was ruled “drug related accidental drowning”. I also thought about my own suicide attempt and how I was alive to see this movie of an artist I truly loved. She died when she was 48 years old. If I had died, I would have been 46. I still regret being alive. I am just so sad. I feel like a damn failure.

I had family dinner of shrimp scampi and scallops with bacon. It was good. I had a glass of wine that made me drunk. My sister got ricotta pie and it was out of this world. It was the best tasting pie I’ve had in a while. Then our neighbors came over and we had a good time laughing about shit. I had a good evening. I had to leave around 8 to take my meds. I had to do my med boxes for the week. I got to pick up a couple of prescriptions but I think the pharmacy won’t be open until Mon or Tues.

Birthday 2022

I turned 47 today. I had a good day. I spent the day doing nothing. I just listened to Taylor Swift and tried to rest as much as possible. I had birthday wishes from family and friends which was good. My mother called me three times from the hospital to wish me a happy birthday.

My sisters, nieces, and I went out for dinner and then we saw the Whitney Houston film. It was really good but sad. The world lost such a talented singer to drugs.

I am up past my bedtime. I wanted to write a quick note about how my day went.

Depression and therapy and other stuff

I had therapy this morning. We went over the DEARMAN skill. It wasn’t what I thought it would be but it was good to know. We talked about living a life worth living and I asked what happens to the suicidal thoughts. She gave me an explanation, saying that sometimes it is a struggle always and other times the thoughts diminish. She keeps telling me depression is hard and it is like “duh”. I told her I would write up the page I wrote while in the hospital for the new book that I am to write. I haven’t done it yet.

I got a tennis ball and placed it on my back. It is helping the knots that are there. I took about an hour’s nap after I had lunch. I had a difficult night sleeping. I wanted to shower today but haven’t done it yet. I got a haircut yesterday so need to wash my hair. I want to shave it down but I don’t know if I will have the energy to do it.

I feel really tired despite my nap. I haven’t done anything and I need to pick up my recycle as the bag fell over so now there are bottles all on my floor of my room. I haven’t been drinking fluids today and I just had two cups of coffee. I don’t know why I haven’t been drinking. I just feel so sluggish. I just want to sleep. I don’t care about anything else.

Tomorrow is my birthday. It is supposed to be really stormy. I have PT in the early afternoon. I hope I don’t get drenched as it is supposed to be rainy and windy out. My sisters, nieces and I are going to see the Whitney Houston movie that comes out tomorrow for my celebration. It should be fun. I am looking forward to it.