Category: depression

Not doing well

I saw my mother who is recovering from hip surgery. She was eating lunch and then the nurse gave her meds which made her sick. I had to step out. I felt so bad. She is wicked constipated and they are trying to make her go but nothing has worked so far. I hope she goes soon.

I have been feeling wicked down. I don’t want to do a fucking thing. My recycle bag fell over and now I have bottles on my floor in my room. I am so exhausted I don’t have the energy to pick them up. I just want to go to bed and it is not even 6pm yet.

My bro in law woke me up a little after 7am to get something for my sister. I took my meds and went back to sleep. I didn’t get up till around 11. The little few hours of sleep I had did nothing for my energy levels. I barely made cereal and then when I was brushing my teeth, I puked it up. Today is not my fucking day.

My sister bought me a slice of pizza. I had that and made a pot pie for dinner. I put some dishes in the dishwasher but still have not done the pans in the sink. I keep meaning to do them but I just don’t have the fucking energy.

I feel like I am headed for a breakdown. I keep thinking I need to be in the hospital but I don’t know what they will do for me other than keep me safe for a period of time. But I don’t want to lose my phone again and be without my online supports. I just feel so rotten. I know I got to do this on my own and it is so fucking hard. No one can save me but me. That is the fucking truth. Question is do I want to be saved?

Therapy and PT and other things

I woke up a little after 0930 to pee and then take my meds before having coffee. I had therapy and it went ok. She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. I resolved to do at least two things a day to give myself something to do and had someone on facebook hold me accountable. I want to clear the area in front of my closet so I can get some button down shirts that I will need for my surgery recovery.

I have been tired all day. I told my therapist I have been sleeping more and have no motivation to do anything. She said it was the depression. I tried conveying to her that I essentially have a huge chunk of time on my hands until surgery and I don’t know what to do with myself but I don’t think I came across to her. It was sort of frustrating because there was nothing she could do for me. It is all up to me. And that is frightening to me.

I showered and brushed my teeth before I left for PT. I had to shower because it has been at least a week since my last one. It exhausted me but I couldn’t rest as I had to get dressed to catch the bus. PT was good. I didn’t tell the therapist I had overdosed. If she read it, that is fine but I wasn’t going to tell her. After her assessment, she said that I wasn’t in too bad a shape for being in the hospital for three months. There is some stuff to work on. She took my heart rate at the end and it was in the 120s. She had read that my heart rate was up. So she is going to keep an eye on it. Sometimes I can feel it and other times I can’t, like I didn’t know I was in the 120s. I had no palpitations or racing heartbeat. It is weird how sometimes I can feel it and other times, I can’t.

My mother is recovering from her hip surgery. I will see her tomorrow afternoon. I don’t know what time I will go. I am debating on getting a haircut then going but not sure. I haven’t decided yet. I have been listening to Taylor Swift’s album Speak Now all day. Such a good album. I have been flitting between Midnights and folklore. But today is Speak Now’s turn. I will probably listen to Rob Thomas’s someday and then Taylor’s Maroon, which is my new favorite song along with snow on the beach.

World Cup nonsense

I spent two and a half hours watching the World Cup. I thought Argentina was going to win it as Messi scored the first goal. Then France came back in the second half and now they went to penalty kicks. I shut the game off. I hate watching penalty kicks. It is a dumb way to end a game. Just let them go into overtime until someone scores a goal. I think that is fair.

I had two cups of coffee, two helpings of my Shepard’s pie, and I made four bags of spinach. I think I overcooked it but it tastes ok. I am tired. I might take a nap and it is only 1pm.

My mother had her hip surgery this morning. She is recovering as well as can be. Now I just hope she can walk without pain. I hope she does the PT that is required or she isn’t going to heal right.

I start my own PT tomorrow. I hope that it stops the spasms I have been getting in my side and back. My ankle has been bothering me on and off since I have been home from the hospital. I think doing stairs has annoyed it. I was up in the middle of the night due to palpitations. My heart rate was in the 90s and then it dropped 20 points to give me anxiety. I had to take an Ativan to calm down. I stayed up for a bit and then went back to sleep.

I have therapy tomorrow. Not sure what I will talk about. Probably about how my mood sucks and I am not sure my tiredness is because I deconditioned or due to depression. I have been sleeping more. Been eating less. My mood have been ranging from really dark to bleak. Today I have been really tired and just want to stay under the covers. It took a lot to bring down some recycles. I can’t seem to do much else. I have no energy to try and straighten things in my room. There is something I read that doing just one thing each day adds up so I am going to try that. This way I don’t get overwhelmed.

I need to take a shower as it has been almost a week since I have taken one. It is so hard when I don’t have energy. I also need to trim my beard and cut my toenails. I hate self-care. I need to get a haircut. I got to text my barber Mon to see if he has any openings on Tues. I told my sister I would visit my mother Tues. She is on one above floor where I was. I hope she will be in less pain.

Saturday Blog 17122022

I got up late today. I had taken my meds around 10 then went back to bed. I didn’t get up till around 1pm. I made some coffee and had some pumpkin pie. I called my mother to see how she was doing. She sounded good. Tomorrow she is supposed to have surgery on her hip to fix the fracture. I hope she does well and can walk better. I think she is going to be in the hospital for another week, which means she will miss my birthday.

I got a message from the pharmacy saying my prescription was ready. I was going to pick it up yesterday but the weather was awful. Today was cold but better. No rain or harsh winds. I took the bus to the square and then went to Starbucks after I picked up my meds. I then caught the bus home. I got off at a stop a few away from the one I usually do because I had to use the UPS drop off up the street. It was a long way home. I was pretty exhausted by the time I came home. I am glad I made it though.

I got my transcript from UMass. I surprisingly have a 2.1 GPA, which is much better than I thought it was going to be. Now I just need to reapply and then make an appointment with the financial aid office to see how to finance my education.

I have been feeling down today. Parts of me think I need to be back in the hospital and other parts of me say fuck that, I am not going back unless I do something. I also don’t want to go back before my surgery for fear of it getting postponed again. I am trying to take things slow and work through the distress and sadness but it is so overwhelming at times. The psychache hits me like a gut punch and I am floored. I have wicked spasms in my neck and back that are killing me. I have this tension in my legs that is annoying. I am starting PT on Monday and hope that some of these issues will be addressed. I want to have some stamina before surgery. I feel like another hospital stint will just further weaken me. At the same time, I feel like I need to be there because I can’t be safe. I am struggling with thoughts of harming myself. I still wish I were dead. I just don’t see the point in living. Yes I have my surgery and that will change will bring congruence to how I feel as a man. But then what? I just feel so empty, like I have nothing to live for. I have four months before my surgery. What do I do in this time? I’m just not motivated too much to do anything. I could write a book but am wondering if it will be worthwhile.

I read on Twitter about how a therapist at the age of 9 was too scared to talk about being suicidal because of fear of being on the psych ward. A lot of people are scared of talking about their suicidal feelings because of this. They always say to reach out but then you have people who end up killing themselves anyways. I didn’t reach out. I just acted on my feelings and almost ended up dying. I have no regrets about what I did and I would do it again if I knew (and I know) it would kill me. But I don’t want to hurt my sisters. Protective factors. It is the difference right now.