Category: depression

A do nothing day

I woke up when my alarm sounded. Then I said five more minutes and didn’t get up till 11. My appointment with PT was at 915. Oops. I had coffee. I thought I had therapy at 1400 but I got my day mixed up. It is tomorrow not today.

I haven’t done much of anything other than have coffee. I did manage to brush my teeth. I haven’t eaten anything yet. I am not really hungry. I might have Ensure just to have something in my stomach. My side is hurting today and I sent a message to my pcp about the palpitations. Something needs to be done about it. It is too anxiety provoking to wait for it to calm down on its own. My chest feels like it is going to implode. I have been going up and down the stairs a lot since my mother has been home from the hospital. I have to do down to the first floor to give her her blood thinner shot. I am already tired.

This is all I can write today. I am having memories flood me from when I was in the hospital and am not in good space. I feel so out of it.

Back pain sucks

I slept ok but I didn’t get up until noon time. My sister then attacked me while I was having my coffee. First it was that my mother needs 24/7 care. Then it was that I should be doing the damn dishes. I was like can I finish my coffee before you bite my damn head off? Nope, I had to listen to her bitch the whole time I was having coffee. I was not in the damn mood. The stress of the conversation caused spasms in my side and back. I am hurting so much. I had to take an Ativan and a Robaxin.

My back hasn’t hurt this bad in a while. My upper back is so tight and hurts so much. The tension is awful. I want to take a shower but I think that will make the spasms worse. I can barely move my arms without causing spasms in my sides.

I got into an argument with my middle sister today, the first fight we had since I have been home from the hospital. It really upset me because she thinks I don’t do anything around the house but I do a lot of little things. I help take care of my mother to the best of my abilities. I get her things even though it exhausts me. I can only do what I am able. Nothing more.

I feel like a fat fuck. I am really depressed. I am not suicidal though I feel like I would be better off dead. I feel so worthless. It is so hard to be when you feel so lousy. I don’t want to do a damn thing except lay on my bed. I need to change my sheets as it has been more than a month since they have been washed. I will try and do it this week. I started making headway on the corner of my room that I needed to work on. Now I got all my PJs on my bed and I don’t know what to do with them.

I had a cup of tea. I needed something hot to drink that wasn’t coffee. It was my first cup of caffeinated tea since being home from the hospital. It was good to have my Yorkshire tea again. I don’t know if it will keep me awake. I need to get up early tomorrow morning for PT. I hope I will wake up and go. It has been a long time since I last got up before 0800. I also have therapy tomorrow. I hope it goes better than last week and my zoom works.

Saturday Blog 07012023

The first Saturday of the new year. I was up in the middle of the night. I played on my laptop for a bit until my med alarm went off and then I took my meds and went back to sleep till around noon time. I had a couple cups of coffee and a sandwich with soup, my last tomato soup that I had.

My mother came up the stairs so she is now home. She immediately went to the couch to watch Hallmark channel. I tried not to get sucked in again. Every time the channel is on, I am sucked in to watching it and see how the stupid movie ends, which is the same as the previous movie, the girl falls in the love with the man and they end up together.

I have energy so far today. I don’t know if it is just restlessness or what but I plan on clearing out some stuff in my room. I need to put all the recycle in the bag and then take it downstairs to the bin. I have already had a heart rate of 150 bpm but it went down. It is now 110 bpm. I hate going up and down the stairs but I had to get my mother’s stuff and take it upstairs so a lot of work.

I was missing music on my phone so I had to connect my old phone to the laptop to transfer the songs. It is an acoustic version of Mary Chapin Carpenter’s performance at the Wolf Trap. I love the songs. Some of the songs are new from her latest album. It was good to hear it as an acoustic version.

I need to shave my head today and shower as my sister says I smell of sweat. I am not surprised as I have been sweating really bad the last few days. Mostly it is because I overextended myself with walking and being hot under the covers with the heat blasting. I have the ceiling fan going and the window open to get my room temp cool. It is still warm despite this. I just brought the commode up the stairs and my heart rate went berserk. It went up to 160 bpm. It went down but man, I really need to see the doc about this because the anxiety it causes ain’t fun.

I am tired now so I don’t know if I will clear that corner of the room I want to clear. I started moving stuff and caused a domino effect. Everything fell and I didn’t care. I still got to brush my teeth. Maybe I will do that when I shave my head. I don’t think I will take a shower today. I am not feeling it. I feel so bloody anxious even though my pulse has gone down. I hate when it goes up because when it comes down I am anxious as fuck.

It has been a few days since I worked on my book. I really don’t know what to right or how to write it, like structure wise. It is all based on my experience of being trans and getting gender affirming care. I want to write about the trials and tribulation you go through trying to get a surgeon for top surgery. I also want to write about the process of changing sex on birth certificate. A lot of paperwork goes into it. It is going to cost me $114 for two certified copies and the original.

Tomorrow we will be having a birthday party for my niece and mother. I got a present for my niece but I ordered it late and it might not come until Mon. Her birthday was last week and we went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant in town. It was good food. I still am thinking about the nachos which was so damn good. I don’t know what kind of cheese they used but man was it yummy. My sister is making a mess in the kitchen making the cakes. I hope it will be a good day and my sister feels better. She is feeling sick with the flu or something.