Category: depression

Saturday Blog 15042023

Today is Boston One Day. It is to commemorate the 2013 Boston Marathon Bombing victims and those that died that day. It means so much to this city that we all pulled together and helped one another in the time of need.

The VNA came this morning. I didn’t shower like I had hoped. I was too tired. I couldn’t get going this morning. Maybe I will have better luck Monday. I just hope they come before my therapy appointment or after it. It isn’t on the schedule yet because for some reason my therapist’s schedule doesn’t load until that morning.

I am not planning on doing anything today but possibly clean up my recycle in my room and read my book. My chest is feeling heavy. It is nice outside. I might go on the porch later just to catch some fresh air. I am still waiting for the vouchers to come for cabs. I thought I would get them this week but they still haven’t arrived. Ugh. Tuesday I have to go into Boston to see my endocrinologist. It is a follow up appointment. I was supposed to get blood work but never did because things just got out of hand. I will get it done the following week as this week I have my T shot again.

I slept pretty good. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee but I was able to get back to sleep quickly. I am glad I didn’t stay up. Yesterday was a long day. I am still tired but I think it is because the coffee hasn’t kicked in yet. I had two cups but I think I will need three to get things going. I haven’t eaten anything yet for lunch. My sister has leftovers so I am going to have some of that.

I got to go back to the eye store to get me new glasses adjusted. They are too tight and hurt the top of my ear. If they can’t fix them, I want another frame. Right now I am wearing a different frame and it feels better.

I watched a couple of episodes of Friends to take my mind of things. It helped. I love the show. It makes me laugh. I think I am going to read once I take my night time meds. I haven’t read in a few days. I took a good nap this afternoon. It was only a couple of hours but it felt so good. I want to lie down again. My head feels so heavy. I feel sad again. It sucks. I have a funeral thing for my mom on my bed. Every time I enter my room I see it. I have been thinking about her a lot. I still can’t believe she is gone.

I got to put all my recycling in a bag. I have it all on my bed and it fell on the floor. I have no energy to do it so it might happen later or tomorrow. I just want to sleep. I hope I am not up during the night again. I got to do my meds. Then I will read. It is a good book called Committed. I really like it.

Saying goodbye to my mother

It has been a tough past couple of days. Today was the funeral and it was hard. My aunts were crying badly. I was tearful at times but mostly I was numb. The service was long. I will not have religious anything at my wake or funeral. Just let people grieve their way.

I came home and noticed my nipple from my shirt. Then when I took my shirt off, the right side is really swollen and the left hurts with nerve pain. I took some ibuprofen and gabapentin to ease it some. I don’t know what else to do. The nurse called and will be coming tomorrow between 1030 and 11. The supplies came yesterday so I will shower before she gets here so that I am clean. I sweat a lot today. My bandage is not lying flat against me. I don’t know why but it is still secure and doesn’t seem to be leaking anything. It is itchy as all hell though. I’ll be glad when this thing is healed.

It was such a long day with family. I didn’t think the funeral reception was going to end. I ended up leaving when our neighbors left as I was tired and hurting. I needed to lie down and be in comfortable clothes. I am still recovering from surgery. I may not be in pain but I still get worn out. I had asked my pcp if I could donate blood and she said that I should wait till I am totally recovered.

I am reluctantly listening to the ballgame even though I just want to sleep. My favorite pitcher is pitching and I want to see how he does. He hasn’t had a good outing lately. And he is not pitching tonight. Already 2-0 Angels. UGH. It is only the first inning.

I just sent a message to my psychiatrist. I feel like I am heading toward catatonia again because I keep zoning out. Last night I was wondering why I was at the funeral home and where was my mother. When I saw her in the casket, I was expecting her to move. She was cold and I told her I would turn up the heat. She looked like she was sleeping. The casket was beautiful. It had flowers on the side of it. I am going to miss my mother so much. I am glad my mother saw me after I had surgery even if I was bandaged up. She didn’t like me having surgery as she gave me a face but she was concerned afterwards so I know she just wants me to be happy. I hope I am not becoming catatonic but I don’t know what to do to prevent it from happening. I seem to be on the edge of reality at times. Even when I am alone in my room I tend to stare at the wall for hours. I am so horribly sad. I feel like I am going to be like this forever. Feeling tired all the time doesn’t help. Some days I have energy but I don’t do anything with it except for maybe sit on my porch and watch the passerbys or cars go by. I keep looking up and down my street the same way I did when I was in the catatonic state back in Oct. I hope I don’t become catatonic because it is awful. I can’t take care of myself and just follow what my sisters tell me to do. I hope my psychiatrist can give me some signs that I am catatonic or getting to be. It is scary being in that state as I am not safe. I mean that I can go wandering out in the street and not be aware if a car is coming or just go walking and get lost. That is how I was when I was at the Square waiting for the bus but was so confused that I couldn’t get on the bus because I thought my job was to scare away pigeons.

The next step of things for the bereavement is the thank you cards. We had almost 150 people come to the wake. That is a lot of writing! I know with my father it was tough. We never been through a death before so we didn’t know what to do. Least we have some experience now. So fucking sad. I wish I could hug my mother one more time with her knowing I was giving her a hug.

I don’t have time to write today because of the wake and tomorrow’s the funeral. So here is a pic of Armani the super cat

Insurmountable grief

I was up again at midnight and didn’t go back to sleep till around 5. I had set my alarm for 630 so that I could go get my blood drawn but I didn’t get up. I will have to go tomorrow morning. When I went downstairs for coffee, there were clothes to be folded. Some of the clothes were my mother’s. I felt so much sadness and grief. I want to cry but I just can’t seem to let loose.

The visiting nurse just came to change my bandage. She said I should be getting some supplies soon but I haven’t gotten them yet. She also said I am moving too much which is not good for my wound. I am trying to stay still but it is so hard. Today I folded clothes and loaded the dishwasher. Things need doing around the house. I also made stuff for me to eat, mostly leftover ham that I devoured. We got an edible arrangement from my cousins. The oranges were so sweet and good. I didn’t lift it because it is too heavy for me.

I am so overwhelmed with sadness and grief. I don’t know what to do with myself. I just want to sleep but I just lay there while my brain thinks about my mother and the past few weeks while she was alive. Or it remembers times when it was tough and my mother and I didn’t get along.