Category: depression

Random Saturday Blog 20082022

This may be long because I have not written in a few days and there are somethings I need to get off my chest. I had therapy Thursday after having a difficult Wed night. My therapist was not sure she could trust my safety anymore because I had texted her that I wasn’t safe. I was having intense feelings of despair. I really wanted to act on my feelings but I just stayed in bed. We talked about ways to cope better. I also found out that my therapist doesn’t think being on pain meds is good because and only because I am suicidal. She is fearful I will OD on my meds despite me telling her over and over I won’t do it. I have never overdosed on my pain meds or even thought about it. Do I know that it is potentially lethal? Yes but so is the bottle of Tylenol I have so…

She wanted me to dispose of one of the bottle I had. This was difficult. I agreed as I had plenty of old meds to dispose of. I texted my barber to get a haircut. That would force me out of the house. However, I wasn’t counting on feeling like a bag of shit yesterday. It was so difficult to move and walk to my destinations. The depression was weighing heavy on my chest. My barber was working on a client when I got to the shop. So I decided to go to the CVS to get a bottle of water as I didn’t bring one with me. Not even halfway there and I felt my legs get heavy with each step and felt being weighed down. I still needed to go into town to dispose of the medication I had. Which meant walking from the station to the main entrance of the hospital. I got to the top of the ramp and had to sit and rest. I should have brought a cab voucher with me so I could have had a ride home but I wasn’t thinking. I was just focusing enough on the task and it took all the energy I had to do this.

I walked in the hospital and went to where the med safe was. I took pictures of disposing the medication. After emptying my bag of all my meds, I sat down to rest some more. I sent pics to my therapist who still hasn’t responded to the texts. I waited a half hour for a response and when I didn’t get one, I left. I realized that I had eaten anything since the morning. I was just drinking water. I felt my sugar dropping. I didn’t have the energy to walk to Starbucks to get something to eat. I also didn’t have cash with me to buy something in the café. I made my way to the station and sat for a bit at the light. I then went to catch the train. The station was crowded and I didn’t know if it was delayed or not. The train came in a few minutes so that was good. I had to stand in the train as there was not a social distance seat available and people around me were not wearing masks. I waited till we got to Harvard so that the train emptied out so I could sit.

I got home and immediately made something to eat. I am glad I had microwave dinners. I had the turkey stuffing one that I like. My mother was making herself dinner too. After I put the dinner in the microwave, I went up to my room to put the AC on and change out of my shoes to my slippers. I drank some Powerade for sugar. I knew I would need to be drinking the next few hours as my urine was dark and despite drinking water while out, there wasn’t much urine production.

I had taken a shower yesterday but need to take one today. I also need to shave. I have to use the benzoyl peroxide stuff on my chest as there is a new break out of acne. I also need to use the cream I bought on my neck. There are some stubborn zits that refuse to go away. I am exhausted so I don’t know if this will happen. I might just take a quick shower so that the hair dust is off my head from the haircut. I still don’t know what happened to my Fusion razor. I am pissed because it was a Patriots handle and I really like it for shaving my head. I want to start shaving my head again so that it is close again.

After I had dinner last night, I had wanted to write a blog but just couldn’t get my thoughts together. I turn on my laptop and when Twitter refreshed, there was a tweet about how Rep. Majorie Taylor Greene wanted to ban not only youth transgender care but also adults getting care from their insurance companies. She also wanted to ban the teaching of gender affirming healthcare at higher ed places. I was so disturbed by this and scared. My gender dysphoria went into hyper drive and I was so upset. I wanted to talk to someone but didn’t know who to call. I wanted to reach out to the trans line but the last time I did that, I was told that my age wasn’t appropriate for service and basically told not to call again. I don’t know if that was the trans line or the Trevor project. I think it was the Trevor project as the trans line doesn’t have text yet and I was texting the service. I thought about texting my therapist but we had a deal where I would only reach out after I used every other alternative/support. I wasn’t suicidal but as I still haven’t had top surgery yet, I was frightened that this wouldn’t happen. It would mean death to me if I couldn’t have this surgery or even be taking my hormones because my insurance wouldn’t cover it. I sent some nasty text to the traitorous bitch. She needs to be voted out of office for good. Such a transphobe.

I had yucky sleep again last night. But I had some good dreams for once. It was like I was in a movie, playing a part. Guns were in the dream and I felt the danger of them. They were not pointed at me but the threat was there in just seeing them. No surprise where that came from. I will try and talk about it with my therapist on Mon if I remember. It is an early appointment so not sure cobwebs will be out of my head. I got to stay up if I wake up after 5am. Once I go back to sleep I just feel like crap the rest of the day and having the med alarm wake me up in the middle of REM sleep kills me.

I had to pee so cathed and it took forever to empty my bladder. My niece was in the shower and I had to take a BM so I just emptied my bladder and then went downstairs to poop. As I was pooping more pee came out of me and I was like WTF. I had to strain because I was constipated so now my ass hurts. I took some more Miralax when I got back to my room. I restarted a bladder med that causes constipation to see if that helps my bladder pain. I still didn’t get a message back from uro about if this med is ok to restart. I just took it anyway because I am fucking hurting and I don’t want to be taking my BT meds around the clock for the pain. Last night I waited for the ER to kick in before I took the IR. Today my bladder pain isn’t too bad so far, which is good because I thought I would have to go to the ED for the pain again.

Ok that is enough word vomit for today. See you all next time

Hey all I am not in a mood to write today. In a lot of pain with my bladder. So here is a black kitten

Bullshit day

I have been up most of the day. I didn’t sleep well. I kept having to go to the bathroom. The two hour thing is really sticking to me so I am getting no rest. I was up around 8 and texted my therapist as she wanted me to check in. Then she pissed me off by saying to check in again at 6. I was like why and she was like cause you still have the key. Fuck. Fine. Whatever. I know tomorrow is going to be a bad day with her when we meet.

I then had uro appointment. He was 20 minutes late and didn’t apologize for it. We talked for about 10 minutes. I told him I was having bladder pain and he said treatment is botox. I said I didn’t want that so then he was like amitriptyline. I said no because I don’t like the side effects. He then said ok and put me on duloxetine and that was the end of the appointment. I had objected saying I was already on an SSRI/NRI but he didn’t listen saying it was ok because it was a “low dose”. I sent a message to my psychiatrist anyways. Fuck him. I hate him so much. I wish there was someone else I could see. I didn’t even ask him about the estrogen. He didn’t give me time to talk. I was so damn mad.

I had dinner after my appointment. I didn’t have lunch. I wasn’t hungry. I might have a bowl of cereal later as I wasn’t filled up by the burger.

My mood sucks right now. I had sent a message to the group leader of the pain group saying that one of the members had triggered me and caused me to spiral out of control yesterday. Hence why I have the key to my lethal means. He offered to talk to me if that would be helpful. I tried replying to the message but the website wasn’t made for mobile phones so the print was small. I got annoyed and will respond on my laptop.

I want to get a haircut this week. But I feel so lazy. I don’t want to do anything. I know that is because of the depression. I have been bad about not doing the safety planning. I just go to text my therapist rather than do the things on it. I just get so anxious I can’t think about anything else.

Psychiatrist just responded to my message. Duloxetine is in the same class as Pristiq so I would have to taper off it. I don’t wish to do that. I asked my psychiatrist to get in touch with uro and tell him this as he was not listening to me. After I responded to the message I took an Ativan. I am too stressed to deal with this.