Category: depression

It’s 5 am

I am up at five. I woke up around 2 to pee but didn’t really empty until 330. I tried going back to sleep but I couldn’t. I had a bowl of cereal after just eating oatmeal yesterday morning. I don’t have anything planned today except going to the mailbox to mail my voting ballot. I was too sleepy yesterday to do anything. I was up in the middle of the night again and I had to get up for therapy. I really wanted to skip therapy but she would have been pissed.

We talked about worth most of the session and my suicidality. She said that only I could determine whether I was worthy or not. No one else could. It was all up to me. So I guess I am worthless and there is nothing no one can do about it. I say so and that is that. I asked her if she trusts me and she said she is trying to. That hurt. It really bothers me that she can’t trust me. I don’t know what to do to make her trust me.

I have my uro appointment tomorrow. It is in the late afternoon. I hope I am awake for him. I am having bladder pain today so I hope he can do something about it. I don’t think the estrogen cream is going to work like the NP thinks it will. I honestly think I’ve been given this cream because there is nothing else to try.

I am fucking annoyed. Last week I had sent a message to my neuro about CRPS ankle as it feels like bone is rubbing against bone. Got a message today saying to see my pcp about the issue. I also sent a message to my TG doc as I haven’t received a new script for the new dose. I also asked about blood work. I see her at the end of Sept.

I had my coffee and now I am feeling tired. I need a nap. The new Outlook has ads in the app so I uninstalled it and am now using the email app. I hate ads. I tried switching browsers to google and I still have ads. Fucking hate them. I brushed my teeth and shaved off my goatee. I wanted a smooth face.

I want to take a nap. I have the chronic pain group today. Still not sure if I will show up. It is in like an hour or so. I am leaning towards nap and setting my alarm. Yeah think that is what I will do.

Well that didn’t work out. My sister had texted me like an hour ago to check on my niece as she seemed depressed. I went downstairs and she just woke up. We talked for a bit and I asked questions, which were answered with one word. She obviously didn’t feel like talking. I left to go to the dining room and saw chocolate cupcakes. I took a few and a dark chocolate candy, the name of which escapes me right now. I went back upstairs and made a cup of coffee. I should eat something but I am not really hungry. My mother took out chicken for dinner tonight so that is good. I will have a chicken sandwich for dinner.

I went to the group and got fucking triggered. A new member joined and he was yelling about this situation he was in. The yelling is what triggered me. I can’t stand people being loud. It is one of my PTSD triggers. The rest of the group was ok. I was quiet most of the time because I was anxious. I thought about leaving a few times. I did leave about 30 mins in because my bladder was going to explode if I didn’t. I had just emptied it like an hour before and really didn’t drink that much in that time frame.

I got wicked annoyed with my pcp’s nurse, who wasn’t the regular nurse I have been dealing with. I had sent a message about my ankle pain being bone on bone pain. The nurse thought it was an ankle injury and I needed to be seen. I told her to check with the doc because this could just be a CRPS flare. The doc said I didn’t have to be seen but if it still hurts in more than a week, then I will need to be. Fucking fuck. CRPS doesn’t heal in a week. Flares can go on for weeks to months. I am so damn annoyed and suicidal that I went and got the key to be with me. I told my therapist and she doesn’t think this is a fine idea. I had to check something with the pills I had, to make sure what I had was really what I had and not sawdust. It is. I finally have something lethal in my possession. Checking it out calmed my anxiety faster than the Ativan pill I took. I have the key in my room. It will stay there until I see my therapist Thursday and then I will move it back to the place on the porch. I just need to have it as a security blanket for tonight.

Waking up to craziness

I’ve been up since about 0630. I had to pee and then I tried going back to sleep and it was not successful. I took my morning meds. Then I went downstairs to make my coffee and some oatmeal. When I came back upstairs, I turned on my laptop and read Twitter for a bit and found that domestic terrorists are at the Phoenix FBI office armed in military gear protesting the former guy (DJT)’s search warrant, saying it was “illegal”. These fucking nuts better be arrested to set a fucking example to the rest of trump’s army that this isn’t tolerated or I fear there is going to be a fucking civil war again in America. Fascists against democracy. Sadly I fear that it is the color of the skin of these terrorists that make it hard to do the lawful thing and arrest them. Either that or the goddamn police are scared of their guns like at the elementary school in Texas. God that sickens me every time I think about it. It is bad enough an attack on the FBI has already been made. I don’t know where though. This is just crazy to me. And I am scared. Scared there maybe blood shed if these terrorists don’t get arrested peacefully.

I had a similar night as the other night where I woke up to pee at 2 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I went back to sleep around 4 or 5 and then I woke up at 0630. I started reading Beck’s book on Cognitive Therapy with emotional disorders. It is interesting but there is a bunch of bullshit before you get to the cognitive therapy part of the book. I am in the middle of chapter 2. So far it is ok.

I feel really suicidal. My back hurts after cathing and going up the stairs because I stood too long. My bitch sister was hogging the bathroom so I had to go downstairs. What made it worse was I couldn’t find the damn hole as I was inserting the cath. I kept inserting it in the vagina. It was pissing me off. No pun intended. I am so damn tired of this shit. Every two hours I need to empty my bladder. I want to consult with my former urologist but she is in NY and I am in MA. There is no guarantee I can see her quickly. I have tried looking at other neuro urologists in Boston and there doesn’t appear to be one. Just the one I currently see. I am going to ask him about the estrogen bullshit. If it will really help my bladder pain. I also want to have a plan with him that if it flares up again, I would like a standing order for antibiotics for it. I just hope that when I see him Wed I can advocate for what I need from him.

I canceled therapy. I haven’t heard back from my therapist about it. Hopefully she got the text. I just don’t feel like talking this week. I know if she responds, she is going to call me out. I feel really depressed and just don’t want to talk about it anymore. I will talk about it here because this is my space. This is where I express myself. I feel safer talking here than I do with her. I really want to get the key and take the B17 pills I bought, all of them, just to see what they would do. If it kills me, great. If it doesn’t and does something bad, yikes. For all I know, I bought saw dust in capsules and it won’t do anything to me except maybe make me sick.

I read on Twitter that there has been a call to federal agencies from the Trump army with the intention to incite civil war. This is what I was afraid of. Things could get ugly in the next few days or weeks. I don’t have a good feeling about this. My anxiety is really high and I just want to end my life so I don’t have to deal with it. Would have been nice if I had top surgery before doing this but times are tough right now. I feel like a loser and I think I have always been a loser. I feel disgusted with my body. I hate who I am right now. I am tired of pretending to be a woman when I am a man. I am tired of having woman parts. The one woman part that I loved was my clit but that isn’t working anymore. Stupid me, I should have noted the size of it when starting T. I have no idea if it increased in size or not. Still feels small to me but then I think it is because I am on a low dose of T. I am trying to get it adjusted again. But things bring me down. Pain has been the main reason why I am so suicidal, physical and mental pain that I face every single day in one shape or form. Mostly it is physical pain that makes me so very suicidal and fast because the pain is unpredictable. I dealt with it most of yesterday, taking the BT med every four hours because it was that severe. Today the pain is more manageable. Except for my back. I have no control of when that flares up. Thankfully rest eases the pain, usually. It is very rare that I have to take something more than ibuprofen for it because I know that it is muscle pain more than something more serious.

My therapist and psychiatrist wanted me to join groups to alleviate my depression. My therapist called bullshit that my suicidologists don’t have outside contact as a suicide prevention. I never said that they said this. I joined a trans group that meets two days a month. I forget the schedule of it but they will be sending me the link on the next meeting. I don’t think my psychiatrist wants me to pursue ketamine as he said that joining a group was more important than the drug. So again I am failed a treatment that I never even started. I was hopeful that it would also help my pain. Now I am back to being hopeless. Nothing is going to work anyway. My PTSD is severe right now. I am having intrusive memories and bad dreams. I am not sleeping regularly. I might be sleeping like four hours a day, if that. I don’t take naps anymore because my damn bladder prevents me from sleeping, even if I shut the alarm off. It is like my bladder has been trained to go every two fucking hours now and if I don’t go, I get bladder pains. So what is the point of living? I don’t have a life worth living or saving. It is totally pointless. I am so depressed. Severely depressed. Sadly I think only my readers and therapist know this. I don’t talk about my depression with anyone anymore. I don’t tell people I am suicidal anymore because it freaks them out. I am alone and I prefer it that way. It is easier that way. I am not worthy of life.

Until tomorrow readers…

Saturday Blog 13082022

I had a rough night sleeping. I woke up around 2 to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep after. I took some Ativan an hour later and then by 4 I was able to sleep. My med alarm woke me up but I shut it off. I didn’t take my meds till I had to go pee again around 0930. Then I had explosive bowels. Fuck. I just made it back to the bathroom in time. I have no idea why I can’t do both duties at the same time. I went back to sleep. I didn’t get up till after 1pm.

I had my coffee and some oatmeal. I bought the maple and brown sugar kind and I really like it. I thought it would be too sweet for me but it is just right. As I was putting my stuff in the sink, I kind of lost my balance as I turned. My ankle has been killing me since. It feels like bone on bone, rubbing against each other.

I read Twitter for a bit and then got bored. I finished Trauma and Recovery. It was a good book to read. I learned a lot. I sent a text to my therapist canceling our appointment for Mon. I don’t want to see her. I know she is going to give me grief about it. I don’t care. I will see her next week.

I am really tired. I tried sleeping but my bladder had to be emptied. I also had to make dinner. I made a veggie burger. It was ok. I really want a real burger on the grill. Maybe I will ask my sister to get some burgers so we can have them on the grill tomorrow. I will pay if she takes me to Stop and Shop. I have to get more half and half anyways.

My TG doc said my testosterone level was low so she is increasing the dose. She hasn’t changed it in my record yet so I haven’t received the new script but that is ok. I still have plenty of vials right now. I have to give my shot this week and I am glad my shot is in my right leg this week as my left has been giving me nerve pain in my thigh the past two days. I don’t know what I did.

I thought I might listen to the game but I am falling asleep. I don’t know why I am so sleepy today. I know it is most likely due to staying up in the middle of the night as usual. I drank water with my dinner so I know I will have to empty my bladder soon. This every two hours thing sucks so bad.

Here is the article I interviewed for but didn’t get quoted on

Jumping Through Hoops: Barriers to Gender-Affirming Care | Giddy (getmegiddy.com)