Category: depression

A do nothing Friday

I had good dreams for once. I dreamt I had a tabby kitten and it stayed with me in my room. I tried to get someone to stay in bed with me but they didn’t want to. I had the kitten beside me. My sisters were doing their thing and I was with my kitten.

I woke up late. I had shut off my alarms intending to wake up before noon but that didn’t happen. My bladder woke me up after 12. Then when I came back to bed, my bowels woke me up. I hurried to the bathroom as it was one of those wake up calls. I decided to stay up after that wake up call. I had my coffee and conversation with my niece and sister, who was actually civil with me today.

After coffee, I needed to brush my teeth and shower. I am pissed someone keeps using my benzoyl peroxide wash. I found it in the shower along with my shaving cream. Nice I am providing for my family. I had a good shower with no pain for once. I might shave later today. The acne on my chest is clearing up finally. I still need to put some benzoyl stuff on my neck. I have like three big acne things on it. It was going away but then flared up again. I think me sweating and rubbing my neck caused a flare up.

I am tired despite sleeping ok. I have no messages from my pcp today so that is good. I don’t know if the vaginal culture came back yet. I will check later. My urine culture came back negative so that is good.

I keep saying I am going to put my recycles in the bag but I have yet to do it. I just have it in a pile. I want to clear my bed off so I can change the sheets. I might try this weekend. I am listening to Sparks Fly album by Taylor. I just listened to Haunted and was really listening to the lyrics. They are so wonderfully put together. I thought about putting the song on repeat. I might do it if it comes on again.

As I am still contemplating putting the recycle away, I think I am going to read tonight at least two chapters. I haven’t touched the book since last week and I almost done with it. I am tempted to read American Revolution next as I haven’t read a history book in a long while. I have mostly read psychology books this year.

I can’t believe how exhausted I am just taking a shower. I know it has been because I spent most of Wed out at the hospital and in the ED. Then yesterday I went out to get my prescriptions. I am in pain right not because my damn feet keep cramping and I don’t know why. I have been taking tizanidine intermittently as I don’t want my blood pressure to drop. I have taken it at night because I can just go to sleep if my blood pressure drops.

I haven’t eaten yet. I had my last fig bar with my coffee. I don’t know if I am going to have a bowl of cereal or make a veggie burger. I bought “ultimate” veggie burgers. There was two in a package and all it is a thick black bean burger. Not worth the money. I won’t buy them again.

Lab work done

Yesterday I got my lab work done. I had taken a cab to the hospital and then when I was done, I walked to the train station. I had used my last cab voucher so I couldn’t take a cab home. As I was walking, it was getting harder to breathe and I started getting palpitations. I found a spot to rest and rested for a few minutes until my heart calmed down a bit. I continued walking and by the time I made it to the street where the station was, I was out of breath again and having palpitations. I rested a bit as it was a green light and I couldn’t cross. Once it was safe to cross, I continued to the other side of the street where there was a CVS and I got a water as I was thirsty. I was also sweating a lot. My shirt was already soaked.

The rest of my journey home went ok. I felt fine. No chest pain or anything. I ordered food for supper. I finished and used the bathroom. Went upstairs to my room and got palpitations again except this time I was having a stabbing pain in my chest. I rested for a few minutes but it wasn’t going away. I took my pulse ox and my heart rate was over 100. Fuck. I texted my sister to see if she was home. She was so I went downstairs and asked her to give me a ride to the hospital. She had plans so we decided to call an ambulance.

I had grabbed my bag with the catheters in it but I didn’t bring my wallet with me. I totally forgot it. I got sent to the ED and had a cranky attending doc that said he didn’t think it was my heart. OK what was it then? He said he didn’t know. Soon after another nurse came in and sent me to another part of the ED. I sat in a chair and waited. Someone called me for an X-ray of my chest. They had done the EKG and I guess it was fine. About an hour later, the nurse came and said she was going to put an IV in me to make blood drawing easier. I was fine with that. She couldn’t get me so another nurse tried and got me. The first cardiac marker they drew was higher than my previous one that I had in like April. The second was one point lower. I got discharged. I wanted to speak with the attending about what the cardiac marker testing meant and he never fucking came. I was bullshit because the nurse couldn’t answer my question. I didn’t want to wait anymore so I left. I sent my pcp a message asking what does the values mean. I got an answer today. She thinks that my activity during the day caused the enzyme to be elevated. They said I did the right thing but the next time this happens I am just going to take a pain med and call it a day. I guess the attending wrote that he suspected that I had costochondritis causing the pain. Nice of him to not tell me that. It wasn’t in my discharge paperwork. I was bullshit. Then the ED called asking me how I was feeling and if I wanted to provide feedback. I said yeah, it would have been nice if the attending had told me he was discharging me after the second enzyme test and what the test result meant.

Today I didn’t do much. I didn’t sleep well. I kept on having bad dreams or bad cramps in my feet. Even as I rested after breakfast, I got severe cramps in my foot. I don’t know why I am having them. It is very painful. My TG doc got back to me. My T level is low so she is increasing the dose. I went to pick up my meds in the square. Then I went to Starbucks for some lunch and a small latte as it was late in the afternoon. I don’t want to be up all night again.

I might have to back to the Square tomorrow to pick up my T as they are calling in a new script. We’ll see.

It’s 2am and I’m up

I woke up an hour ago to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. I had a weird dream where I had to give a paper and have PT with TENS. But it was to be outside. As the teacher was reading my paper, my foot and ankle started to hurt very badly and I woke up from the pain. My ankle and foot are throbbing but not as bad as in the dream.

I slept most of the day yesterday. I had spent the morning dealing with medical issues. My pcp wants a vaginal culture and a urine specimen to test for infection. I also have to go for blood work for my TG doc. I will be going today to do this. I have to go to the clinic to do the vaginal test. I don’t know why she wants a culture when I have bladder pain.

Monday night I used the estrogen cream on my urethra. I made sure to rub it in so it didn’t just stay there. I waited four hours before I cathed. So far I am not irritated or anything. I am glad. I was so worried that it was going to cause problems when I cath.

I didn’t put myself on the alarm to pee so I didn’t wake up in time to go to the pain group. I really wanted to go but time got away from me. I was just so damn tired in the afternoon just had to sleep. When I woke up, I had to pee and then I made myself a bowl of cereal. I checked my messages and then went back to sleep until my med alarm went off for my night meds. I took them and then went back to sleep. I knew I was going to wake up after midnight to pee.

I have to see my neuro and neurosurgeon. I finally got through and made an appointment with my neurologist for Oct. I am still waiting to hear back from my neurosurg. I don’t think my neurosurg can do anything other than advise me on what if anything that can be done about the degeneration. I am seeing neuro for my numb clit. Neurosurg might be able to help with that as well. I have a good relationship with him so I feel comfortable telling him what happened.

I had sent an email to the transgender health program at the LGBTQA+ health center but I haven’t heard back from them. It was for a support group for trans. I hope I get a response from them. It is on zoom. I requested the link for the group.

My ankle is really hurting now. I just put drops in my eyes because my left eye was tearing really bad. I guess standing on it made it angry. I’m starting to feel sleepy. Going to take some gaba to see if that help bring down the throbbing pain. It is like a pulsation type of feeling, like if I had a TENS machine on or something. I have to make sure that I am hydrated before I try and get my blood drawn so it is easier to find my veins. I am such a hard stick because my veins are so deep. It sometimes takes two people to get me. I hate getting my blood drawn.