Category: depression

Today in the life of the Midnight Demon

It was nice out today and I was expecting a package to be delivered by UPS so I decided to sit on the porch and read my book. I waited all day because our bell is broken. I read three chapters and had my foot up most of the time. The delivery didn’t take come till after 5pm. I went up to my room, sat on my bed, and my ankle exploded. I looked down on it and it was swollen. Fucking a. I made sure to keep it elevated and it still swelled on me.

I saw my therapist today. I talked about how the PTSD is really bad and I can’t relax except for when my sister is out of the house. I also am having bad dreams as I am waking up startled. She gave me this container skill to do. We went over it during session. It was helpful. I felt calmer afterwards.

I am feeling pretty tired. I walked around my house while waiting for the delivery. Up and down inside and outside. I brought in the garbage barrels as today was trash day. It was pretty windy despite it being nice out. One of the barrels was making a break for the street so I just brought them in the back of the house at the end of the driveway.

My AC is supposed to be delivered tomorrow. I won’t be able to do the same thing I did today as I have a doctor’s appointment. I need to see my shoulder doc for my arm and shoulder pain. I will be taking a cab there with the voucher that I have so I don’t have to walk as it is far from the station. I haven’t decided if I am going to take a cab home or not. I will decide tomorrow.

I am hurting so bad right now. I took a BT med a half hour ago with my night meds, which included gaba. Four fucking pills. I hate it. Tomorrow I need to weigh myself and hope my sister’s scale isn’t right. All this gaba I am taking is putting weight on me. I don’t like it or want it. I hope I will be able to sleep tonight. I was up early this morning because my therapy appointment was at 9. I had woke up at 7 to pee and stayed up.

Fucking A, I lost my streak

I had a streak going of writing consecutive days and I lost it because I was so tired I slept through. I must have slept from 4pm till around 2 when I woke up to pee. My Sox won over the white sox 16-3. It was a good game and wish I heard it. Last I checked on them it was 10-2. They are really doing well. I hope it continues. I just needed 14 days to reach 100 days of consecutive writing and I blew it. I am so mad at myself I didn’t even post a pic in time.

I went to the chronic pain group yesterday. It went ok. I talked about my anger and I wasn’t the only one my company forced out on disability. It’s just hard because every day I showed up depressed and suicidal as I was to give 110% to a job that didn’t give a shit about me and just cared that I made no errors when logging in a patient’s sample.

I found out today that my uncle, my mother’s brother, is not doing too good. He has been in the ICU for about a week now and I guess he isn’t getting better despite treatment. They are having a family meeting tomorrow to discuss what to do for him. I don’t know exactly what is going on as all I have been hearing is that he is filled with fluid and his breathing is not good. I don’t know if there is anything else going on. My aunt has been hysterical but then it isn’t surprising as she is always like that. I don’t know if having her as his representative is a good idea as she can’t keep herself together. I don’t know if my mother knows what is really happening or not. All depends on what she hears or thinks she hears when we talk about him. She hasn’t been emotional so I am guessing she hasn’t been listening. But then she isn’t really the type to be emotional like my aunt.

Part of the reason I had to sleep was that I didn’t get much sleep during the night. I was up every hour since 130a. The my sister triggered me right before group started and I was just a mess. I had to ask my therapist for another session as the hypervigilance is out of control. I just can’t relax unless I take something to calm down or just be plain exhausted by it. I was talking to my friends but they were all on different apps and I was getting overwhelmed switching between them. I wish I had just one app that I can talk to people on rather than this and that one. Just a pain.

My shoulder has been bothering me all damn week. I think it knows I am seeing the surgeon so is just getting flared up. Weather changes haven’t helped at all. It went from 94 degrees to 52 the next day. I am surprised my spine isn’t aching. My foot has been bothering me non-stop for the past three days. It just has been on fire. I take the gabapentin for it and it settles down but the gaba doesn’t last in your system that long and you need to take it again to get relief. I am supposed to take it three times a day. I think taking my afternoon dose is what caused me to fall asleep this afternoon after I had dinner. Then when I took my night meds I got nauseous. I really thought I was going to lose what I ate. But Zofran was to the rescue and the contents of my stomach, stayed in my stomach.

As It is Wed and T shot day, I took my shot. Unfortunately, I hit a vein and caused some bleeding. It hurt so I knew I did something. This week, the shot was in my left thigh and that is always a worry for nerve pain to flare up. So far, I am feeling ok but I will know more when I walk around some. I need to go to the pharmacy to get some more meds. I meant to refill it on Sunday but I forgot.

I got paid this week and I bought my AC. It will be coming next week. I hope there are no problems with it. I just care if it works or not and then to make sure I take it out of the window before the bad weather comes. I plan on having it taken out Nov 1^st. That is the goal anyway. Because I bought my AC, I won’t be able to pay all my bills this month. I am picking and choosing which ones to pay. The ones with the low minimum payments will be first and then whatever is leftover will go toward the higher ones, if I can afford it. I hate this but there is nothing I can do. I need an AC because I am heat intolerant. I thought I was going to pass out on Sunday due to the heat and my room being nearly 85 degrees. My ceiling fan was just blowing hot air around. Now instead of wearing shorts and a tank top, I am wearing a long sleeve shirt and flannel pajamas. It is cold. My room is a nice 68 degrees.

I just took 1200 mg of gabapentin to try and ease the unrest in my foot and ankle. It is burning me so much. I hope the bones don’t start hurting. Maybe the gaba will help my shoulder a little bit. Who knows. The thing with my shoulder pain is that it is all muscle and not really cartilage or tendons (least I don’t think it is tendons). I am hoping for some more PT where I can get some more movement in my shoulder and possibly be able to move my arm behind my back in an upward motion like I was able to do before the injury. And picking up my water bottle would be a good goal for me. I can lift it but I can’t seem to drink out of it. The motion is too painful. I just want full use of my arm back because it is going to be important when I get my top surgery.

I have a day of doing nothing today so I think I am going to read my book on Building a therapeutic Alliance. It’s a good book. I thought the painters were finished but I guess they aren’t. they were supposed to come Mon, and didn’t. then they were supposed to come Tues, but they didn’t. if they come today, I just hope I am not stuck in my room because I will need bathroom access. I can go without food.

To nap or to write?

I woke up twice during the night. The first was to pee. I had a text from my niece and waited for her to respond for an hour. When she didn’t, I went back to sleep only to wake up at 430 with shoulder pain. It took me a while to settle it down. Sitting didn’t help so I had to take a BT med for it. I had a couple of messages on my phone so I checked that while waiting for the med to work. I finally fell asleep around or a little after 6 am. I shut off the med alarm so I could sleep. I woke up around 10 and took my meds. I didn’t feel like getting up but I had to pee again. My appointment with my therapist was at 1pm so I went back to bed to sleep. I had set my alarm for 1240 in case I was still sleeping. I woke up at 1230 and quickly made a cup of coffee. I had just brought the coffee to my room when my bladder said it had to go so I went back downstairs again. Fucking a. I didn’t cath and I swear when I don’t cath, I go every 2-3 hours.

Therapy went well. We talked about my anger I have for being disabled and not being able to work. I miss my job. I could do the work of three people and was respected in that other departments would call on me to work on problem samples. My favorite thing was sendout specimens that were knew due to research articles that were just written but weren’t available commercially yet. I liked the people for the most part though I had a few that bugged me every single day with the sample problem, different patient. It was annoying. There were days I wanted to change my name as everyone seemed to have a problem with something. I was the go to person, even though I wasn’t a supervisor or senior person (on the books anyway). I knew the system backwards and forwards because I was there so long (14 years). It angers me that my supervisor didn’t pull for me to have a position where I could sit and type and do minimal things. Before management became so involved in the workings of the lab, I probably could have stayed on and done those things. But they played by the fucking book and because of my restrictions, I was forced out on disability. The supervisor, who wanted me back, is the one that didn’t accept my restrictions. I am angry at him for forcing me out.

I am tired. I didn’t know if I was going to write or nap. I chose writing. I am so damn tired. I had another cup of coffee after therapy. I guess waking up twice in the middle of the night pays a toll on being tired the whole day. I want to get the recycle out of my room but I haven’t had the energy to do it yet. I still haven’t showered or brushed my teeth. I think I might do this (shower and brush my teeth) before bed. The recycle can wait another day.