Category: depression

Memorial Day 2022

I had a rough day. I woke up around 1230 to pee and never went back to sleep. I tried but it was too bright in my room. It is also hot. My brother in law says he will put my AC in today. I hope this is true as my room is hot as hell. I never showered today. I just couldn’t get the energy to. I went to my sister’s BBQ stinky. I didn’t care.

It was just family and my next door neighbors over the house. It was a good time until my bitch aunt came over. She started with her stories and bitching about this person and that person at full volume. My head was ready to explode. I clarified with her that my name is G now. She started calling me my dead name. She hasn’t seen me in full beard before. Neither did my cousin who is here from Florida. His father (my uncle) isn’t doing too well. He (my uncle) just came home from the hospital. He is in hospice care.

I am wicked tired. My foot still hurts. I am so fricken hot in my room. I won’t be able to sleep unless the temp is cooler. The sun is still out and my family is still here. My brother in law won’t come up until everyone leaves and he cleans up. I hope I don’t have to wait another fricken day for him to put the AC in.

I have a full day tomorrow with appointments. I really don’t want to go to therapy. I honestly don’t know what to tell the pain clinic PA who I will be seeing. I have no idea who she is. I am not meeting with the doctor. It should be interesting. I just know the gabapentin isn’t helping the flares. All it is doing is putting weight on me. I have gained 15 pounds so far. Terrible.

I want to ask my therapist if she knows anything about mentalizing. They use it a lot in the UK for treatment for borderline personality disorder and depression. I don’t think mentalization based therapy is popular in the US. I am not advocating that my therapist know about this form of therapy. I just want to know her thoughts about it.

The party just ended and my brother in law isn’t here. I guess I am just going to sweat to death tonight as my room is 83 fucking degrees. I am beyond pissed.

Sunday Blog 29052022

I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and surprisingly went back to sleep. The med app on my phone didn’t have the same settings as my other phone so when the alarm went off, it didn’t ring continuously so I didn’t hear it. I ended up sleeping until my bladder felt like exploding again. I have to drink a lot today as my urine was cloudy. I hope I don’t have an infection. I won’t be able to go to the lab until Wed as Mon is a holiday and Tues I have back to back to back appointments. I should have looked at my schedule before making an appointment for my therapist. But I thought I just had the chronic pain group meeting Tues. I forgot I have pain clinic appointment. Oops.

I feel really depressed today. My foot hurts something awful and my back hurts. I took a breakthrough med. I don’t want to do anything today but I was able to take the recycle stuff off my bed. I still have a box of coffee on my bed. I don’t know where to put it. I might bring it back downstairs and put it on the porch. If I get some energy I will take it down. I am fighting going back to sleep right now. I can’t wait till the AC is back in the window. Morning light keeps waking me up.

I have my “survival kit” on my bed. It is an empty Amazon box. I filled it with a few things that keep me grounded. But I am wondering if I need it if I am planning on ending my life in a year. I am tempted to put the things in the box back in my drawer and recycle the box. I didn’t decorate it like I wanted to.

I need to shower as I fricken stink again. The heat is making me sweat something awful. But my foot is hurting me. Yesterday, a day after the cortisone injection, my arms were burning hot. I put ice on and that helped a little. Today they are warm and I have less pain than I did yesterday. I also feel less like shit. With my back hurting me, I don’t know if I should attempt a shower. I have to brush my teeth too. I did yesterday. I had coffee this morning and have wicked coffee breath. Ick.

Foot is burning right now. I just want to sleep so I am going to do that. Maybe when I wake up, I will not be in as much pain as I am in and can shower and brush my teeth. I hate hurting so damn much. Sometimes I think that I should end it now and not wait till next year. It’s exhausting being in this much pain every day. I don’t think my pcp gets it. I honestly think, unless you have chronic pain, no one gets it.

Feel like shit. Leg is hurting. Arms are on fire. I need to shower and feel like trash in a bucket…

Shoulder doc appointment and other things

My med alarm went off at 0730 but I went back to sleep after turning it off. I woke up two hours later with my bladder threatening to explode so used the bathroom. I then took my meds and went back to sleep. My AC was delivered around the time I woke up at 1230. I am glad I didn’t have to sign for it like I did the last time I bought one. I made an iced coffee so I could drink it quick as my cab would be coming in a half hour. I dressed quickly and made sure I had my vouchers on me.

I got to the doctor’s office early. I had to have an x-ray done and there was no waiting. I was called fairly quickly. Positioning my shoulder the way they wanted it hurt. I had to wait almost 45 mins to see the doc. I checked messages on my phone. Twitter still had a lot to say about the shooting yesterday or the day before in Texas. It has turned my stomach so much learning that babies died. I got off Twitter and just put the phone in my pocket. I didn’t want to see social media at all. I just waited in the quiet waiting room.

I saw the doc and told him what was wrong. He showed me my x-ray and said it looked really good. He then examined where I was hurt and determined I had inflammation in my rotator cuff and bicep. I got a cortisone shot in my shoulder and would have to see his associate to get another in my bicep. It would have to be done by ultrasound. Fun. The shot burned but it didn’t last but I was sore. I am not to do anything the next few days so that the medicine can do its job. I see him in two months to see where I am at and if further treatment is necessary.

I had wanted to go to Starbucks after my appointment but I wasn’t thinking about it and just wanted to go home so when I called the cab, it came fairly quickly so I couldn’t cross the street to get a drink. I came home after the driver took every street in my town. I was hungry as I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I just had the iced coffee and that was it. I had a bowl of cereal and then some cookies with another cup of coffee. I sat with my mother who was obviously feeling better than she was in the morning. I discussed dinner with my mother and decided it was going to be lentil soup with pasta. She made the lentil soup yesterday and it was good.

My pelvic floor muscles toner kit is coming with today’s mail so I plan on using that tonight. I hope it helps. I can do it while listening to the game. They are back at Fenway so I will listen earlier. They kicked the white sox to the curb last night. We are playing the Orioles tonight. These pesky birds are sometimes hard to beat despite their losing record.