Category: depression

Writing in the morning

I woke up around 145a. I wrote a page in my journal and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I woke up again around 430 to pee. I just stayed up. I had breakfast and coffee. Now I am writing and listening to Hamilton musical again. It’s been so long since I listened to it as I have been so obsessed with Taylor.

I slept most of the day yesterday. There was no ballgame. They are on the west coast now so that means late games. Boo. Games start around 2130. We play the Athletics and then the Angels. Their record is 24-27 right now. I don’t know where they are in the standings. I really don’t care. They are below .500 so until they get above then I will care.

As the game is tonight, I have time to read my book. There is supposed to be rain today so I don’t plan on going out. I have no where to go anyways. I am wearing my new glasses that I haven’t worn since I bought them. Pain is bad today because of the weather. In the middle of the night I took 2100 mg of gaba because the burning was so damn bad. My leg continues to burn. I only took 300 mg of gaba with my morning meds. I think I need to take another 600mg to get some relief. Only problem is that if I take it, my concentration and focus will not be so great so reading will be tough.

Right now I just rather sleep. And just listen to Hamilton. I never brought my recycle downstairs and today is trash day. I will next week. Things on Twitter is sad. They talk about the shooting and bans against trans kids. I just can’t deal. I feel so bad for these kids that want to play sports or even want care and can’t get it because it is banned. It kills me because more youth suicides will happen.

I need to shower. I brushed my teeth today. I feel so tired and pain is so bad. I told my youngest sister and she wants me to reach out to someone. WTF. I thought I could reach out to her. This has upset me so much. Now I don’t feel like I can count on her.

Really fucking annoyed now. My mother turned the tea kettle on and sat in the living room. She forgot she turned it on. Good thing I was home or another tea kettle would have gone up in smoke. I don’t know if bitch sister is home. If she is, she didn’t come out to check on my mother or kettle. Fuck. But I don’t do anything.

I made lunch and now my pain is worse than what it was. I am going to take some gaba and a BT med to try and calm it down. It stopped raining but the temp jumped a few degrees upward. I am sweating. Going to take a nap now. I am getting really sleepy from being up so early.

Got nothing new today. I’ve been having groin pain so will be going in Tues to get checked out. I guess my pcp is still away as I have another clinician.

The heaviness of depression

I woke up several times during the night because I had to pee. I later learned that because I am no longer taking my uro meds, I am not emptying my bladder completely when I void. I have a strong urge to go so I won’t cath because if I do, it is like popping a balloon and urine goes everywhere. I have learned to void then cath to avoid this. It is much easier this way. I still have to sometimes use the med app to remind me to empty as there are some days I don’t get the urge and then it is too long in between the voids. I will then get bladder pain from it because the bladder gets so big. But since stopping the uro meds, my bladder pain has been less. I don’t know if I am going to keep my uro appointment next month or not.

One of our fire alarms is beeping so we played the game which one is it. We can’t find it so it is continuing to beep. I don’t give a fuck at this point even though it is annoying as fuck. I woke up pretty late and just feel super depressed. I feel like there is a heaviness on my chest. I forced myself to empty the recycle on my bed. I would have brought the bag and a few boxes down but it is raining and I don’t want to twist an ankle. Trash day has been postponed a day anyway so I have until tomorrow to bring it down. My brother in law is supposed to put in my AC but that might change because of the rain.

I hate when I feel this depressed. I don’t want to do anything. I just feel so damn tired. I wish I could sleep all day. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet but I have to as I have coffee breath. I will when I go to the bathroom again in an hour or so. Uro NP says I need to empty my bladder two hours after drinking coffee because it is a bladder irritant. I am not giving up my coffee so I will do so. It is my one joy in life. I often think what my therapist would say about being depressed. She would want me to do something that brings me pleasure. Sadly, it is hard to think of something pleasurable when you feel so down. I have a huge headache right now. I probably am a little dehydrated as all I’ve had to drink today was coffee, so far. I have to fill my water bottle. I keep saying I will do it and then I forget.

It’s supposed to be crappy the rest of the week, cool but crappy. Rain has flared up my pain. I had sent a message to my TG doc asking if the testosterone played a role in spreading the CRPS up my leg. The nurse sent me some information but it wasn’t definitive in answering my question. He said I should work with the pain clinic PA to find out why this is happening. He obviously knows jack shit about CRPS. I was too tired to educate him so I just let it go. Besides, it is a complex disorder to explain. Regardless, I am in severe pain 24/7. Pain meds reduce the pain so that it is a mumble but I still have it. I find when the pain is in my awareness I need to take a BT med. Like it is now. People don’t understand how pain can and does trigger suicidality. Pain is definitely worse when my depression is worse. It is a vicious cycle.

Three appointments and other things

I sort of woke up when dawn broke this morning. I will be glad when my bro in law puts in my AC so my room can be dark again. He should put it in when he gets home from work today. Least I am hoping so. I was just resting and snoozing. My sister knocked and came in my room but I didn’t stir. I looked at my phone thinking the med alarm didn’t go off again but it was only 730a. She came in again about 45 mins later and I asked what was up. She said my uncle died this morning. He had just came home from the hospital yesterday. I am glad his son was with him and he wasn’t alone in a hospital bed. My mother was crying off and on. When my aunt in another town came to my other aunt’s house, she got dressed to go over. A couple of hours later she called me asking for hydrogen peroxide. In the background I could hear my aunt moaning with grief. It wasn’t a pretty sound. I felt bad but I didn’t leave the house.

I had therapy for my first appointment of the day. I told her my uncle had passed. Then I asked her about mentalization. She hadn’t heard of it but she did a quick search of it and found that it was a therapy for borderline personality disorder. I said I know. It is mostly used in the UK and some places in the US. I told her I was reading the Building a Therapeutic Alliance with Suicidal patients. She then asked how to deal with someone who is obstructing care. Haha finger was pointed at me. I knew it but played along. We talked about my suicidality for a bit. The thing I left out was patient being the expert in the treatment and to be involved in care planning. I left it out because I didn’t feel like arguing with her. She still believes, and it was apparent today, that she knows all and I know nothing. Yeah, I know nothing about CBT! Other than it can help with depression. I’ll never have a collaborative approach with her.

My next appointment was with the pain clinic. I met with the PA rather than the doctor. She was very nice and knowledgeable. She wanted me to get a parasympathetic injection and I declined. She tried to make it enticing and I didn’t buy it for a minute. I don’t get injections in my back, ever. I got too much scar tissue after six surgeries. She was sneaky though. Without telling me, she ordered naloxone. I only found out when my pharmacy said they received the order. Unreal. Lost my trust.

My final appointment of the day was the pain group. I wish I didn’t go. It was such a waste of fucking time. One guy dominated the meeting with his talk about his care at the health center. I just couldn’t deal. I won’t be going next week.

I had a small bowl of cereal in between appointments. I haven’t eaten anything else today. I tried to have an iced coffee with the pain group but I just couldn’t drink it. I really am not hungry. The temp took a 20 degree nose dive today. I have been in pain most of the afternoon. I am really tired. Ballgame just started. Wacha is pitching. He is usually good but his last outing was a disaster. Pitching is always hit or miss. Yesterday they lost. So they probably will beat the shit out of the Reds tonight. Who knows. That’s what I love about baseball.