Category: depression

A sleepy day

Game ended at 0011 last night. I tried to sleep but my bitch sister left her room three times and was loud as hell all three times, slamming her door. WTF It startled me so I was up till around 400 when I finally was able to get some sleep. I tried writing in my journal about therapy but I was too sleepy. My med alarm went off at 0830. I shut it off and went back to sleep. I should have set an alarm because I didn’t wake up till around 1020. I had an 1100 doc appointment. Well, it wasn’t going to happen. I sent a message to the doctor’s office, emptied my bladder, and then went back to sleep after taking my meds. I kept on having weird dreams that woke me up several times but I was able to get back to sleep. I didn’t get up again till 1530.

I got up and emptied bladder. This lot of catheters seem to be defective. I’ve already had five that didn’t work. My nephew left the sink a mess with his hair so I left it for my sister to find only my mother came home before she did. I had two cups of coffee and a frozen dinner. My mother had fresh pineapple cut up so I had that as dessert. It was really good but I ate too much as the roof of my mouth is now raw.

I was thinking about my therapy session yesterday and realized a few things. One, she doesn’t have empathy. And two, our definition of validation isn’t the same. She never validated me on anything the whole time I was with her. After telling her something important, all I got was “ok”. OK isn’t validating. I felt more frustration with her than anything. I still think she always wanted to stay in control and be the “expert” in the room. There were multiple times where she asked me what I wanted from therapy. I still don’t know. I realized that what I am reading in the Building a therapeutic alliance book is not universal. I will have a difficult time trying to find a therapist who has read this book and can give me the kind of therapy it entails. But as I have only a year to do things, I don’t think engaging in another therapy would be worthwhile.

My uncle’s funeral was today. I didn’t go. My mother cried and it would have killed me to see it. She had her favorite daughters there with her anyway. He was kind but always was touchy feely. I didn’t like that. Nor did I like that he always wanted to be kissed on the lips. I tended to avoid him whenever possible.

Sox won last night. The game didn’t get over till a little after midnight, before my sister started being a bitch. West coast games are so hard as they are so late. They have three more games with the Angels. I am not sure who they play after, maybe the Mariners. Just hope the two cups of coffee I had keeps me up through till game time.

So over the weekend I sent both my therapist and psychiatrist the same message. Do you understand why I am suicidal and do you validate it. Psychiatrist responds that he will answer when meet in “person”. My therapist had quite a different response when we met for our session. She said she understood but didn’t accept my decision making. Fair. Then she asked what I was expecting from therapy and that is when I saw my way out. In a year I will be ending my life. I wasn’t sure how therapy was going to go. I seriously doubt as the time grew closer, she would just allow me to end my life without interfering. I said as much and basically said we should end now. She appreciated that I was concerned for her. But as my view of therapy (whatever that is) and hers are matching up, it is better to part ways. We ended session soon after realizing this. She said I could come back at any time. I don’t see that happening. Not with her anyways. She said she would tell my psychiatrist. I meet with him next week. I thought it was this week but got my dates wrong.

It would have been three years I’ve been with this therapist. It has been an up and down relationship. She was a good therapist, don’t get me wrong. I think she was just too good for me. We butted heads but she got through to me. I will miss her.

Tomorrow is the funeral for my uncle. I won’t be going as I have a doctor’s appointment. Been having groin pain past few days. I thought it was getting better but it flared up again today. I also been having right sided pain where my ovaries used to be. Just weird pain. It just comes and goes as it pleases, but when it hits, it is bad pain.

I woke up 15 mins before therapy. I had just enough time to void but not enough time to make sure my bladder was empty. I took my meds after session. Then tried to go back to sleep. Got up around 1530 and my bladder was overfull as it took forever to empty by cath. I plan on showering and brushing my teeth before bed. I just had coffee with some biscuits and a yogurt. Not really hungry. My sister made a pot of gravy. There’s some meatballs in there. Maybe later I will have some.

I’m feeling pretty depressed. It’s hot. I got my AC on so it is cold in my room. Just not going to do much. Maybe listen to Taylor before the game starts at 2140. Hate west coast games.

Saturday Blog 04062022

Within minutes of me waking up, my foot started throbbing. I went downstairs for some coffee and to have something to eat. My sisters were there talking. Arrangements have been made for my uncle. Unfortunately, it is at a time I have a doctor’s appointment so I won’t be able to go. I shared the link to my father’s side of the family in case anyone wanted to attend.

I wanted to see if my AC worked so I plugged it in and tried to turn it on. It wouldn’t come on. I tried with the remote and got nothing. My brother in law came up and gave me the plug. I plugged in the wrong AC. Do’h. It is working fine but I can’t seem to get the wireless working as I don’t have the numbers. I have no idea where they are located but it isn’t on the side of the AC where it is visible. I don’t understand why AC makers have to put the serial and model numbers away from the panel of the thing. Why not put it where the filter is and be done with it. Oh but that is too easy. So I can’t register it for a warranty and because the box has been taken away, there is no hope of me getting the numbers until I take it out in November. I hope to get the broken AC out of the way by then.

Last night I wrote a message to my psychiatrist and therapist asking them if they understood why I want to die. I think it is important for me to know because if they don’t understand it then we got a problem. I also asked my therapist if she validates the reasons why I am suicidal. I read the chapter on psychodynamic therapy and how suicidal patients should be validated for how they are thinking about it but that doesn’t mean the therapist agrees with the decision. There has to be an understanding for the alliance to be good. Otherwise it isn’t going to be and that is a concern. Right now I don’t feel my therapist validates anything I say to her. She just says “ok”. I don’t find that validating. I started writing the highlighted text of the book into my notebook last night.

Last night I was in a lot of severe pain in my foot. Three metatarsals were throbbing and my head felt like it was going to explode. I took my migraine med and some meds for my foot. Nothing was calming down the foot pain. So I decided to read a chapter in BATA. (Building a Therapeutic Alliance with the Suicidal Patient). It stirred up a lot of things. Reading helped distract me from the pain and by the end of the chapter, the pain had decreased some.

I took a hefty dose of gaba last night with my night meds. I thought it would knock me out but I ended up staying awake until the end of the ballgame, a little after midnight. I tried writing in my journal but I was too tired. I fell asleep and slept through the night surprisingly.

My med app kept going off at times that were after I was supposed to take my meds. So I sent a message to the developers and they suggested somethings. I did them so now we will see if it works. The phone goes into a sleep mode and I think the app goes to sleep with it rather than “stay awake”. It didn’t work. My 4pm alarm didn’t go off until I unlocked the phone. Shit. Now I will have to uninstall/reinstall the app. Ugh.

Sox are playing in about 10 mins. They won last night, their 25^th win of the season. They are getting closer to being a .500 team! Going to tune in now and listen to the game.