Category: depression

Saturday Blog

I woke up after having some weird dreams about going to the Science Museum while I was in high school. I was a freshman again and our class went to the museum that day. I lost my group as I dozed off and was with some other group. I didn’t know anyone as I was new. I kept dozing off, which was weird because every time I dozed I sort of woke up, went back to sleep to continue the dream, then wake up again. So odd.

Anyways around 7 I gave up and got up. I took my meds and went downstairs to have breakfast and coffee. I watch Facebook videos of pups. The one that I love was a pitbull that had foster pups at the house and the dog didn’t mind one bit. One of the pups starting chewing the dog’s ear and he was loving it. It was so precious. I watched the video several times before moving on to another one. Pitbulls are my favorite dog type.

After breakfast, I started to feel dizzy and lightheaded, like I was going to pass out. No one was up yet but I had my phone. I waited a little bit but I wasn’t getting better. I needed to lie down. I slowly made my way to my room, being careful on the stairs. Soon as I was settled on my bed, I took my blood pressure. It was really low 88/55. I drank some Powerade and then put on a timer to go off in 15 mins to have more fluids. I laid down in bed and tried to rest but I kept thinking what was causing this. Only thing I can think of is that the muscle relaxer and my blood pressure medication was interacting, dropping my pressure. About an hour later I retook my blood pressure and it was on the button of being low at 90/60. I am still drinking fluids every fifteen minutes to try and raise it up. I am glad I have a catheter with a bag. If I still feel dizzy, I will use that to empty my bladder rather than go down the stairs. I will just empty it when I am feeling better.

Well this sucks. I wanted to go to Starbucks again and read my book. I guess I will just read my book in bed. Hope this attack passes. Yesterday I didn’t feel different at all but then I slept most of the day as I was up half the night again. I didn’t watch the game last night as I was sleeping. It was on really late but when I got up around 3am to pee, I saw the score. They won again. I was so happy. I went back to sleep after I posted and recorded the win.

Chronic pain and trauma

Chronic pain is a traumatic stressor. And other peoples’ skepticism or dismissal of chronic pain often mirrors our culture’s attitudes & responses toward many traumatic stressors– especially complex, long-term traumatic stressors that are “invisible” from the outside. Glen Patrick Doyle

With this I realized that I have been fighting not only chronic pain but also trauma as the pain triggers me into thinking something worse will happen. It hasn’t been addressed my a therapist because the therapist I saw was not a trauma therapist nor did she understand chronic pain. I was left to deal with my thoughts on my own most of the time.

It should have been a red flag for me when my therapist said that she couldn’t fit my needs. That I needed to go outside of therapy to get well. I’ve never had a therapist say that to me before. And I’ve had a lot of them. She was number 15. I know a lot about therapy. I study it when I can. I read about suicide stuff and I am an autodidact suicidologist. I sort of am with therapy but mostly psychodynamic therapy and not CBT or DBT. I have flitted through DBT stuff and some of it I find helpful. Some I do not. Same with CBT. Actually, CBT just confuses the fuck out of me. The only thing I got from that was cognitive thoughts lead to behaviors which lead to emotions and it is one big circle. I might have gotten the order wrong so please don’t quote me on this.

I won’t go back to this therapist or another one as I am planning to die and I don’t want someone to stop me. If I do see someone, I want it to be with someone that is trauma informed as well as have some dealings with chronic pain. Maybe seeing a pain psychologist will be ideal but one that isn’t trying to get me off my meds.

I honestly don’t think I need therapy. I am fine without it. And having this hang over our heads isn’t a good feeling. It is like having an elephant in the room that we just aren’t talking about. Least that was what I was feeling with this therapist. Maybe she was burned out and just didn’t want to see me anymore. I don’t know if she “terminated” me or if she is still the therapist on record. I will find out when I see my psychiatrist next week. I will tell him this about trauma and chronic pain. It is a vicious cycle. I don’t know if there is a way to get through the difficulty of it all.

Rain turned to sun

It was supposed to rain all day today but by 11 it had stopped and the sun came out. It was muggy but a manageable muggy. I was feeling confined so I decided to go out today, my first time out in a long while. Before I left, I brushed my teeth. I was on my way out when I realized I forgot my wallet and mask. Getting them cost me missing the bus. I had to wait a half hour for the next one. I didn’t mind. It was nice out and I had a place to sit comfortably while listening to “blank space”. I had it on repeat until I got close to Starbucks and then I switched to all repeat.

I ordered the new impossible breakfast which was a plant based sausage patty with fried egg in a ciabatta bread. The bread was tasteless and the meat was good. After eating, I got out my book and read a chapter in the BATA book about mental pain. It was difficult to read as I understood the pain these people were going through in the patient descriptions of pain. When I got through reading the chapter, I collected my things and left. I caught the bus just in time. I scrolled through Twitter and one of the tweets was “what was the best thing someone told you when you were hurting”. I wanted to reply nothing but I just moved on.

The bus missed my regular stop so I got off at the next one which meant going uphill to my house. I got a palpitations attack soon as I got to my porch. I don’t know what my heart rate was as my phone no longer measures it. It took about 45 mins to calm down. Now my chest feels discomfort. My heart rate has gone down. Was in the 70s when I got to my room and is now in the 60’s. I am really tired. My ankle is hurting. I had to have it hang while sitting at Starbucks. It doesn’t like that. I was too short for the chair to reach the footrest. I thought about moving to the table to but I didn’t want to be close to anyone.

I am tired and may nap. Sox are playing late again. Tomorrow is worse as the time is a half hour later than today. I don’t know if I am going to stay up for that game. I feel really sad. I don’t know why. I thought I was handling ending therapy ok. I can’t help but think about my therapist. I don’t see my psychiatrist until next week. We got a lot to talk about. I hope he doesn’t try to encourage me to go back into therapy. I really don’t want to. I just took some ibuprofen for my chest discomfort. Hope it works. I think it is just muscle pain.

Tomorrow I plan on getting my blood drawn for the weight center. Blood tests are routine with some anemia tests and a vitamin D level. I haven’t had a vitamin D test in a while so it would be good to see where it is. I take a supplement every day because I am deficient. I started taking a B complex vitamin about a month ago. It has helped with giving me some energy. I am not as fatigued as I was before starting it. Not a huge difference but I have felt it. Will be interesting to see what my iron values are.

1989 Blank Space

I’ve had a rough night sleeping. I’ve been waking up either every hour or every few hours after some weird dreams. I gave up around 630 because I had to pee again and was hungry. I thought I had one more K-cup of my coffee but it turned out to be Dunkin’s French Vanilla. My breath stinks terribly. I need to brush my teeth. I didn’t do it yesterday. I just couldn’t find the energy.

I am listening to Taylor’s 1989 album, song Blank Space. It is fitting because I have termed it my therapy song. I have a blank space baby and I’ll write your name. It’s gonna be forever or it’s gonna go down in flames.

I am having a hard time with not having a therapist again. I was talking to a Twitter friend last night that is a therapist. I explained the situation to her and she said I should have been validated. That made me feel better because I felt like I was losing my mind about it. I thought I was in the wrong but really my therapist is. She doesn’t know how to validate someone. She can’t understand what someone goes through that forces them to make bad choices in life. She has no empathy which makes it worse. Part of me wants to have another session with her to tell her these things. But I don’t think it will be worth it. I doubt she will change.

I didn’t drink all of the coffee. It was too sweet for my tastes. But the one thing I hate about Dunkin coffee is that it always gives me a stomachache afterwards. I thought because it was different, it would keep me up. Nope. I am ready to hit my pillow. I have been having cramps lately in my left calf and this morning, my right foot. I stopped taking tizanidine because it was causing dry mouth. I have to start taking it again because of these cramps. I notice that if I take it with magnesium, I don’t cramp or have as many spasms in my muscles. Only problem is I have to be careful with the tizanidine as it interacts with my blood pressure medication. It will lower my blood pressure to really low numbers. I have to make sure I drink a lot while taking it to keep my pressure up.

The rain has already started for the day. It is supposed to be on and off throughout the day. Afternoon is to bring tstorms. My pain is going to be crazy. It’s going to be another day in my room. I probably am going to sleep as I was up half the night. Maybe I will read some BATA. The next chapter is on mentalizing, which I love. But first, I got to get some sleep. Will write more later.