Category: depression

Sunday Blog 01052022

First day of May. I started it off with brushing my teeth and shaving my face down to a stubble. I didn’t touch my mustache this time. My hair on top is slowly growing back so it doesn’t look like I am bald. A friend asked me if this was a start of a trend. I hope it is. New month to start a good way of hygiene.

Yesterday I found out Naomi Judd died by suicide. I am happy for her. She is no longer suffering. She also wrote of the struggles of hygiene and wanting to stay in bed all the time. I guess I am the same way as I do the same. I usually just sit up in my bed with my laptop or a book. If I am not up for that I am listening with my headphones to music. I sent an email to my former psych to tell her about my plans for ending my life if things don’t go well on Mon with the pain doc.

Last night I didn’t get much sleep as I woke up around midnight and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I read a few chapters of On Juneteenth. The book is more about racial inequality than about slavery in 1865. It also talks about how racism is hidden until someone brings it out then the whole white community acts out on it. People you thoughts were your friends are now against you. It is really sad. It isn’t a long book so I don’t mind reading it. I just have to take breaks from it because it angers me so much.

I had three meals today. Cereal at like 5am. McD’s at 10 and then leftover Chinese food now. My mother said the rice wasn’t good. I will have some later to try it. I didn’t have any yesterday. I just had my lo mein. My mother is making chicken in the oven as she didn’t want it to go to waste. My nephew had bought it but didn’t make it. Someone will eat it.

I took a nap around 1 and slept until 3. I feel good but a little groggy. I might make a cup of coffee. I made it. I am in the kitchen typing this. I felt like changing the location of where I was. I shaved my beard but I haven’t showered yet. I probably will before bed. I have a big day tomorrow. Sox are in a rain delay right now that might be called because it is the 6^th inning. They will lose if it is called. O’s are winning 4-1.

I have therapy tomorrow and then I have to call an Uber to see the pain doc. I hope she will listen to me. I will discuss this in therapy to try and not act demanding. I really just want an additional breakthrough med or an increase in the extended-release med. I need something for the pain. I like what I am on and don’t want to change it to something else. Just hope she agrees with me and honors my request.

Saturday blog 30042022

I had a rough night trying to get to sleep last night. Around 2330 or so, I started getting the spaghetti feeling in my arm. It kept flailing on me and my leg with it. I took some Benadryl and waited. When that didn’t work, I took some Ativan. I think by 0100, I was settled down enough to sleep. My med alarm went off at 0815 but I shut it off and went back to sleep. I didn’t get up till around 1300. I was surprised my bladder wasn’t ready to explode but I had no feeling. When I did void, it took forever to empty. I should have cathed.

I had my coffee and what was left of the lemon cake. I am not hungry but I know I should eat. My mother is making vegetables before they go bad, cauliflower and sweet potatoes. I want to order Chinese but I don’t think I can stomach it right now. I really don’t have hunger at all. I just want to go back to sleep.

My mother made chicken with the vegetables she made. I did end up ordering Chinese food because I wanted Lo mein. Plenty of leftovers for tomorrow. The house stinks of the cauliflower. My nephew opened the door but my mother got cold and shut it. She never leaves the door open long enough for the smells of cooking to leave. And she never uses the vent while cooking either.

I realized last night that I went from three appointments next week to five, with two on Mon. I am going to be exhausted. Three are virtual and two are in person. Wed I have no appointments so I can rest up that day.

Someone wrote an article on The Mighty about CRPS What My Doctors Never Told Me About Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome | The Mighty. I can relate 100% to it but it fails to mention the loss of being able to work. It briefly mentions how activities needs some down time on “good” days, which I don’t think is very accurate. It is very difficult to know a good day from a bad one. Monday regardless if I am having a good or bad day I still need to see my doctor. I know the appointment is going to take a lot out of me. It is an hour (depending on traffic) to get there, figure an hour of being there waiting for the doctor then actually speaking with the doc and being examined, then an hour or more ride home. One appointment equals three hours. That is a long time. I just bought some dates and I hope I remember to bring some with me so I don’t let my blood sugar drop. The doctor’s office is at an office complex with no place to stop to eat or get something to drink.

I was able to stay up till the top of the 9^th inning last night. Sox were leading 3-0 most of the game. We won 3-1, our 9^th win. I am not feeling so tired today so I might be up all 9 innings. Nate is pitching tonight. Hope he is nasty.

Being disabled sucks

I had wanted to try the bus routes to see my pain doc today but I woke up really tired despite sleeping ok. I went to pee and took my meds then went back for a nap. I woke up more tired than I did before. I should have stayed up. I had messages from the pain doc when I got up. She has an availability on Monday and they wanted to know if I could see her then.  I thought of all the bus rides and said fuck it, I will take an Uber there even though it is going to cost me close to $100 round trip.

I had my coffee and some cake that my sister made. It was a good lemon cake. I love lemon cake.

I had therapy yesterday, an urgent session. I was feeling overwhelmed with talking to the palliative social worker the other day. Pain has been bad and I had posted that I wanted to die on Twitter. A dear friend in South Africa sent me a message yesterday morning saying that he needs me. Told my therapist and she asked how I felt. I don’t really know how I felt or how I answered. It felt kind of good but in a burdensome way. It made me think about who I was leaving behind. I am just so damn tired of being tired and in pain every single day. I need a nap in the afternoon to function, and for what? Not like I have a job or anything to commit myself to. Most of the time I have doctors appointments and therapy. It’s a juggling act. I have been trying to schedule a study blood draw for the past three weeks and the time keeps changing because I am too tired to go into town. I don’t know if this is part of Covid just making life worse for me or not. I just know I want to fucking die. Been saying this for years but survivors guilt is real. I don’t know why suicide holds a different kind of grieving process over natural or cancer death. It is interesting how it is viewed. Most people refuse to accept it and have said that the mental illness is what killed them. Chronic pain and depression is what is killing me. Being disabled doesn’t have its perks. Covid hasn’t helped matters as I rarely go out these days.

I was thinking about how fucking stupid a urine “pain management” screen is for someone on opiates of the highest caliber. The drug I take doesn’t register on the panel. That is why it is stupid so if my doc wants to make sure I am taking my meds, she will have to order something else.

I will be taking my night meds soon. Ballgame starts about the time I plan on taking them. I am really tired because I didn’t nap this afternoon. I slept in so couldn’t really rest. I tried but my bladder said no no no. I haven’t been drinking as much as I should yet my kidneys still function. I think they over function to be honest but there isn’t a test for that. I output a good volume when I cath versus when I void. I don’t know if the “new” uro meds are doing anything. I know it has been hard trying to take the one three time a day and the other on a full stomach because I don’t eat that great most days. I am usually eating ok the first two weeks I go shopping and then I am out of stuff and just can’t make dinner or lunch.

I hate spring time because of the blooms. Some scent has been in my room on high pollen days and I am sniffeling all day. Chronic Rhinitis is the medical term. I have to use flonase or sniff sniff. Works in a few days time. But I hate sniffing the stuff to make my nose feel better. Stuff is nasty at the back of my throat. Sucks.