Category: depression

Spring Training has begun!

I am so happy. Today was the first day of Spring Training games. Sox beating the Twins 10-1 last I checked. I saw about an inning of play while making dinner. I thought I bought taco mix and instead it was Caribbean seasoning. Not what I wanted. So I just had plain ground beef with shredded cheese on it. It is what I like anyways. I forgot to buy sour cream.

I was pretty tired today. I had shit sleep again. I woke up every couple of hours. The weird dreams kept waking me up. I didn’t want to get up this morning. I was late in taking my meds. I am still having urinary symptoms. I don’t feel well. I got such a bloody headache. Blood pressure has been high all day the two times I took it. I felt dizzy earlier and it was 150/99. PCP’s RN got back to me about it. Doc wants to put me on a new Beta blocker. I asked if I could go on labetalol as it helps with my anxiety as well. I have been on it before and it works well with minimal side effects.

I got four appointments next week. I have therapy on Mon, TG doc and chronic pain group Tues, and Psychiatrist on Thurs. I am going to be tired. I hope therapy goes better than it did this week. I have stopped texting her during the week as she didn’t like it.

I wanted to read my book today but I never got a chance to. I was hoping to finish reading it by the end of the month. I got to seriously make time to read it. I am trying to have a routine but things end up coming up that wrecks it. Some days I am too tired to read so just lay on my bed instead. I can’t wait till they allow seating at Starbucks again. Maybe I will go out there tomorrow as I really haven’t left the house all week.

Sleepy tired and more tired

Last night I had a difficult night sleeping. I woke up around midnight to pee and found it difficult to get back to sleep. I slept like every two hours, kept waking up from weird dreams. I am still having urinary problems. I did a dipstick and nothing showed up so I don’t have an infection. Guess the urethra is irritated for some reason and is giving me grief. I am going to have one more day of taking the urinary pain meds and then see how I do.

I want to read today but I am so tired, I just want to laydown and sleep. I asked my mother if we can have chicken salad sandwiches for dinner and she agreed. I just wish we had some celery to go with it. I got to find my bag of baby spinach so I can have a salad with the sandwich.

I brushed my teeth finally today. I meant to do it yesterday but never got the energy to do it. I need to get a haircut. I am letting my hair grow out so I just need a trim so my hair isn’t all over the place. I hope to go next week.

I missed the response to my PCP’s RN about my BP. They want me to keep an eye on it for the next week or so and if it is really high, to go to the ED. My BP today was high but lower than it has been. 141/91. My pulse was really high at 116.

Yesterday I closed the stupid window my sister opened all the way and hurt my side while closing it. My side still hurts. It is bringing me down. I don’t have full use of my arm because of the pain. I need to call the shoulder doc so I can get a cortisone shot in my shoulder. I have to check to see if I have his number saved on my phone. I really don’t want the shot but I don’t want to be in pain either.

Been up since 2 am

I had a weird dream about amusement parks and grave yards that woke me up around 2 am last night. I had to pee as it had been almost 6 hours since I last cathed. It woke me up some so it was really hard to get back to sleep. I started writing in my journal around 330. A couple of hours later, I felt tired enough to get back to sleep. I was having urinary pain and irritation so I took the urinary pain tablets. I don’t know if it is just irritation or an infection. I will know in a few days. I already peed my pants today because I waited too long to head to the bathroom. Last night I was constantly going to the bathroom. I thought I had to do a bowel movement three times before I finally went. My stomach felt better afterwards but I am still constipated. I plan on taking some Miralax after my appointments today. I don’t want to leave the house so I am having a virtual PT appointment. I hate doing this but I don’t want to reschedule.

I went to the chronic pain group after PT. I had to pee after PT so I did and cathed and bladder exploded. Urine every where. I learned my lesson. I was upset so then went to group and said I was having a bad day of not sleeping, pain, and bladder issues. Turns out I wasn’t the only one and that felt comforting, least for the lack of sleep and pain part.

I had sent a message to my PCP saying my BP has been high all week. They aren’t concerned about it. So I guess I will just stroke out. I bet you anything the nurse didn’t bring this to the doc’s attention. I am so pissed off as it has been weeks that my blood pressure has been high and nothing has been done about it. We are just waiting for the Holter monitor’s results to make a decision on what to do in the meantime my BP is getting higher, while I am taking an antihypertensive drug.

I am done with PT. She thinks a cortisone shot might be helpful to ease the inflammation in my shoulder. I have been thinking about getting one. I am not a fan of them as I think they do more harm than good, even if it is the one shot people have.

I have to pee again. This will be the third time in the last three hours. I won’t be cathing until the urges to go have settled down some. I don’t want a repeat explosion to happen.  

Letters addressed to the fire

I had therapy today. It went ok. I told her about group. She didn’t have much to say on it. We talked about validation and she was upset with my texting again. I get carried away by the moment. I told her I have been sleeping more. She or the system rather, gave me a questionnaire to fill out before session. It was a depression and alcohol screening thing. I hate them. I didn’t have a chance to discuss the BCBT book with her. I am learning a lot from reading it.

After session, I just stayed in bed. Tomorrow I have my last PT session. I think my PT is sick of me. LOL I have been going to her for five months now. Shoulder is still cranky at times but has been better the last couple of days. It still hurts just not as much and usually only when I move it a “wrong” way. I haven’t been doing my exercises because I have been in bed most of the past few days. I don’t want to do anything. Therapist said to do just a few things each day doesn’t have to be much.

It’s been two weeks today since I turned in the Holter monitor. I hope to get a report sometime this week. I am really tired. I hope I sleep without weird fucking dreams again. Damn things have been waking me up all night. I go back to sleep but I wake up with the WTF was that about feeling.