Category: depression

A productive Sunday

I woke up at 6. I think I peed but I don’t remember. I had a weird dream in which I cathed in a bathroom at my old house in East Boston. My dreams always seem to take me back there. I miss the house. If I ever get enough money, I plan on buying it.

Around 7 I started reading the Brief CBT book. It left me with more stuff to talk to my therapist about tomorrow. The only thing that sucks is that it doesn’t have a blank Crisis Response Plan and the crisis stuff templates they do have are stuff to do with someone else who is interested in helping the person. I don’t have anyone and I don’t want someone to “watch” me if I am crisis. I can handle being suicidal as I don’t plan on killing myself at my house so taking away my pills is not going to be helpful and it will just annoy me.

The part I read today was about session structure. I listed them in the notebook I have for the book. After I read it, I plan on writing out all the highlighted text. The session structure looks like something my therapist and I can do as she sort of does it anyway. The only thing she doesn’t really do is give me skills to work on for the week. This is where we sort of get divided. She ends the session on what will be helpful for the week and I read my book for help. I have stopped texting her things. I told her I would only text her about session stuff, like time related stuff, if I was going to be late kind of thing.

Around 11, I started having palpitations and my heart rate was over 110. BP is 143/96. If it was higher I would be on my way to the ED. I might be going anyway because I have a weird sensation in my chest. It is like a flutter or something but it is a heavy kind of feeling/pressure. I really don’t want to go. For all I know it could just be a tight pec muscle.

Update: I did go to the ED. They checked my cardiac markers and even though they were slightly elevated they let me go home with some ibuprofen for the chest discomfort. I am to take it every six hours for the next few days and then follow up with my pcp. I was freaking out over the results of the tests. I thought I would have to be admitted. I am glad they sent me home though. It was nice being in my own bed. I had to do my med boxes when I came home and then take my night meds, which thankfully included an Ativan because I was hyped up. I did some reading but couldn’t really concentrate.

My name ain’t Susan

I have been listening to the great Whitney Houston. She is so missed. Such a talented voice. Gone too soon.

I didn’t wake up today despite setting my alarms to go to the lab. I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I am still sleepy and might go back to bed. I got to brush my teeth when I did get up. I had some coffee and some pancakes.

I tried napping but I couldn’t. I made a turkey Brie and cranberry sauce wrap. It was amazing. I have wanted it for so long. I had bought some at the market where I sometimes go shopping in the Square. It took me a while to get the ingredients together. I am glad I got to make it at home when I can have it whenever.

Listening to Whitney’s album stirred up some emotions. Mostly sad ones because she died the way she did. I often wonder if I will die by suicide too. My father’s birthday is this week. He would have been 90. I am glad he isn’t living in the world today. He would not be mask compliant. I miss him though.

Just tired

My blood pressure is still elevated. I am tired. My urinary symptoms haven’t gotten better so I will be going tomorrow to drop off a urine sample. Lab is open from like 8-1 I think. Saves me the hassle of trying to go Mon.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. A lady that was ahead of me was complaining about how long she has been waiting. So ridiculous. A few people were not wearing masks even though there were signs saying to wear one.

I made my shepards pie. It was so good. My niece made the mashed potatoes and it was delicious! It really hit the spot of comfort food, which is what I needed today. I am in such a bad mood. I don’t feel well. I was sleeping soundly and then my mother called me this morning for me to let the repair men come in the house for my sister’s washer machine because she felt dizzy. She always feels dizzy but doesn’t do a damn thing about it. Fucking pisses me off.

Today was a nice day out. I didn’t need a coat or a sweatshirt. I really need to shower but just can’t seem to do it. I haven’t brushed my teeth in days. I am really bad. I don’t care though. All I want to do right now is go to sleep. And I think I am going to do it.