Category: depression

Having a bad day

I was up nearly every hour or two all night. I finally fell asleep between 6 and 8 and had a very weird dream. It was around 9 when I woke up from this dream. I got a text from my pharmacy saying my prescription is ready would you please pick it up. Then I got a phone call from my catheter supply company. They still haven’t received some signature that they need for my secondary insurance to pick up the rest of my order. I have one box left so I need to have some caths shipped to me pretty soon. I sent a message to my uro NP telling her who to contact and what they need. I then went downstairs to make some coffee.

I made some coffee and my mother had just finished putting things back in the lazy suzy that my bro in law fixed last night. As my coffee was ready, she had decided to go back to bed for a bit. My sister came up and asked her what was wrong. Then she came into the kitchen and we talked for a bit. She said that my cousins were over my aunt’s house why not swing by. I said I had a doctor’s appointment. I really didn’t want to swing by anyways because I knew I would get introduced as my mother’s “daughter” while I had a thick mustache and beard. No, thank you. I was not going to be misgendered in front of people I don’t know. I feel funny enough as it is with my body being the way it is.

I went upstairs to sign on for my appointment and while I was logged on waiting to be “seen”, I get a call from my doctor’s office. Something happened in the office requiring security to be called and my doc was shaken up so much she couldn’t see her last two patients of the day. I had to reschedule my appointment for next week. I really hope she is ok.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and bumped into a former coworker. We chatted for a bit while waiting in line. It was good catching up to her. I then walked home and my back was really cramping and I had to sit down a few doors from my house. I rested for a few minutes before continuing up the hill to my house. I sat on the porch for a few minutes to relax before going up the stairs. I was out of breath and sweaty as it was really hot out. When I went upstairs, I washed my hands and then went to grab a big glass of water. I sucked it down. I then rested in my kitchen as my mother made lunch.

I went upstairs to cool off as it as hot as hell in the kitchen. I am really tired. My ankle pain has been up and down all day. It feels better after I take a breakthrough med but soon as it wears off, I am in hell again. Now I got to wait a week to get my meds adjusted.

While I was waiting to be seen, I looked over the ketamine clinic at the hospital and it looks like a straight forward program. I don’t want the intranasal spray. I want the IV. I told my doctor this to get the paperwork started as he needs to put in the referral for a consultation. If it helps, it helps, if it doesn’t, I still have my plan in a year.

Getting annoyed

A couple of weeks ago, I opened a document that was from a previous version of word. Now every time I open a new document, I get a compatibility mode bullshit. I have to go into info and turn it off. But I don’t want to do this for every single document. I have tried restarting Word but the issue remains. I tried google but all it lists is how to check for compatibility. If anyone knows how to turn this feature off, please let me know.

I slept late today, waking up only to pee. I got up around 1300. I had my coffee and found the kitchen to be a hell hole. Apparently, the lazy suzy broke and my mother (or my sister) took everything out. My mother said my brother in law is going to fix it when he comes home but I know my mother won’t put everything away tonight.

I’ve been lazy all day. I was going to pick up my meds but company is going over my aunt’s house and I don’t want to meet them. I’ll go tomorrow morning after my pcp appointment. I am hoping she increases my pain meds by one pill a day. The gabapentin hasn’t worked out like we hoped it would. I am going to tell her my advance directives. It would be one less worry off my mind.

In a crappy mood

I’ve had shit for sleep. I woke up around 2, decided to empty my bladder as it has been more than a few hours since I last did it and then I was up till around 0630. I got about an hour or two of sleep, which was a bad fucking dream. I got up. I had coffee and some oatmeal. Then I had wheat chex with almond milk which I won’t do again as it was too sweet.

My ankle pain started at 0330 and it still fucking hurts, 12+ hours later. I took some BT meds like every 4-6 hours or when I remember to take them. It has been really hard. I was supposed to go to the pharmacy to get my meds and I don’t want to risk walking up the street to annoy it. I’ll try tomorrow. I am just in a crappy mood. At one point I was really suicidal and wanted to act on my feelings. I texted my therapist who reassured me she would hospitalize me if I did. That scares me more than attempting. I keep bargaining with myself about it, saying it is too soon to act. I will act after I had my surgery. Maybe I will change my mind once I recover and see what my new body looks like. But then pain hits me, like it did today and I want to say fuck it, end it now. It’s such a struggle.

I went to the chronic pain group and they were talking about teeth extractions. What the actual fuck. Not why I joined the group. I stayed though I really wanted to leave. I was on my phone because I didn’t feel like opening the laptop. I was in such a damn mood. My foot was flaring and I was just in a lot of pain. I didn’t feel like talking. I kept my answers short and to the point.

I read some more of BATA today, trying to get through this chapter on cognitive therapy. I really have to be conscious while reading or I will lose what they are saying. There are some difficult concepts. I then got distracted by a citation of the book Treating Suicidal Behavior. It listed the first and second edition of the book. I checked my Amazon orders to see if I bought the book and I did. I have no idea where the fuck the book is right now so I bought a used copy that I hope is the first edition because I went on a bookstore website to get the second edition. There is a four year difference between editions and this was just about the time that CAMS was coming out so not sure it will be in the book.

I am really tired and in a lot of pain. Today is my nephew’s birthday. My bitch sister didn’t invite me to the party. Oh well. I am in too much pain to attend anyways. Think I am going to take my night meds early and then call it a fucking day. I don’t have anything planned tomorrow except going to the pharmacy. I also need to read the article my psychiatrist sent me about ketamine. My insurance will cover it so we are looking into it. If it doesn’t help my pain, I am screwed and I will continue to plan the end of my life for next year.