Category: depression

Still tired from being hot

I was up most of the night again. I went to pee and had a hard time falling back to sleep. I started writing in my journal until I got tired enough to try and sleep. Then I woke up from bad dreams. I finally gave up sleeping around 630. It was cold in my room from the AC so I shut it off as I was cold. The temps warmed up in a few hours and my room was hot again. The kitchen, when I went down to have my coffee, was unbearable. I was sweating a lot. I had to go back up to my room.

I booked a cab for tomorrow’s appointment. I am to have an injection in my bicep to help with the swelling/tears. I am hoping afterwards I will be able to get back to lifting weights. I haven’t done so because my arm has been hurting too much. I bought the KN95 masks so I will be protected against the new variant that is out. I hope to go to Starbucks afterwards for a mocha. Depending on how I will feel, I might take the T home.

I have therapy today. I am not looking forward to it because I am tired. It’s hard for me to think right now. I hope I can sneak in a nap before session. I have a few hours. I won’t be going to the chronic pain group today. I just can’t stand them anymore. I don’t find it helpful. It is a hit or miss on whether or not I can relate to what the group is talking about and I don’t like it because half the time, they don’t talk about pain.

I went to the chronic pain group and then I left. I couldn’t be around people after therapy. We talked about the texts I sent her surrounding suicide prevention. It was a good chat. Then came the talk about my consult appointment happening while she is on vacation. We came up with some strategies so I don’t get overwhelmed and go into a downward spiral if I hear something I don’t like. It is going to be really hard. If I have to lose the weight, I shouldn’t feel screwed because the weight doc said he would do some metabolic testing to see where I was. He also would do a body composition thing. That sounds really fun. I get to see just how fat I really am. I also am to see the dietitian. I am trying to lose weight before the appointment by drinking shakes and eating just cereal. I find eating the wheat chex filling so I am not hungry throughout the day. I am also drinking more water than Gatorade. My therapist is trying to have me give it up but it is the one thing that brings me joy so it isn’t going to happen. I see her again on Thurs as an extra session as she is going on vacation.

I finally took a nap around 1600 and slept till around 1930. One of my books has arrived but I am too lazy to go downstairs and bring it up. I’ve never been excited for a book before. HAHA. I am a bibliophile! Oh my therapist talked to me about the trauma treatment EMDR. She is trained but isn’t certified in it, yet. Her only concern is because I dissociate I can get “stuck”. She wants me to read more about it and then let her know. So that is what I will do, after I finish the BATA book. I didn’t finish reading any book for the month of June so I am behind in my book reading challenge. I should have it finished this week, if I really work at it.

July 4^th 2022

I may get grief for this but I don’t feel American on this Independence Day. Women losing their bodily autonomy, guns having more rights than fetuses, rapists getting to raise their own children. This isn’t the America I grew up with. So GOP congress and the 6 Justices can go to hell.

How do we then effectively stop the lethal pain? The answer is revealed in reseach: we have to be person centered or person oriented (Lenaars 2004). Key to helping any suicidal person “tell me what’s happening. Where do you hurt”?

These things are what is on my mind today. I finished the suicide chapter I was reading and it had a lot of good information on it. I bought the book by Lenaars. I don’t know if I will get to read it but I bought it none the less. I am in a very icky mood. I shaved and showered. I brushed my teeth. But it didn’t take the icky feeling away.

I am proceeding with ketamine therapy. It is my last hope. I don’t know when treatment will start. My psychiatrist has to put in the referral and then I need to meet with one of the psychiatrists at the center for evaluation. They will be the ones making the decision if I have ketamine or not.

I ordered groceries. They should be coming soon. I just feel blah today. I haven’t really eaten anything other than oatmeal and coffee. I plan on having a smoothie for dinner. I forgot to order water. I wish I had a subscription to Poland Springs so that water could be delivered and I don’t have to worry about it. But the bitch won’t allow it.

After I finish BATA, I plan on reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. I should finish BATA by the end of the week, I hope. There are about 8 chapters left. I slept pretty good but I am still tired. This heat is killing me. I hate summer so much. I feel like I got to stay in my AC’d room to stay cool. I feel wicked depressed today. Keep thinking about death. It is constantly on my mind. I honestly don’t think I can ever not think about it. It has been on my mind for years now. One day I hope I will end it.

Tired from doing nothing

It’s the fourth of July weekend but I don’t feel like celebrating. My cousin invited me over to her house. She is by the beach. But my sister already left for the day. They make is a whole day affair and that is just too much for me. If I had a car, I would just come and go as I wish like I used to. I sometimes miss having a car.

I woke up tired. Slept fairly well last night, waking up only once to pee. I got four goals today. I need to brush my teeth, shower, shave, and do my meds for the week. Hopefully in that order.

I am listening to Hamilton again. I wanted to listen to something historic as today people are celebrating the 4^th. I just hope I don’t fall asleep. Sox are playing. They are already down by 1 run. Rookie pitcher is on the mound today.

Seeing as I will have the evening free, I plan on reading a chapter or two of BATA. I don’t see my therapist till Tuesday because tomorrow is a holiday. I have three appointments this week. I just hope the injection helps my arm and I can weight lift again.

Saturday Blog 02072022

I had a difficult night trying to sleep last night because of fireworks and then a thunderstorm rolled in. I didn’t fall asleep till around 530. I had emptied my bladder and then tried to sleep. Then I had disturbing dreams of people killing people and putting them in a suitcase. It was awful. I was up early as I didn’t want to go back to sleep. I took my meds around 0700. My mother and sisters went out to NH for a birthday party. I pretty much have the house to myself, though my niece and nephew is home. They don’t bother me though.

I was scrolling through Twitter and got triggered. I read how a ten year old girl got pregnant and now has to go through pregnancy. My mother started molesting me at 10. I am not having a good day.

I had two cups of coffee today to try and stay awake. I so want to take a nap. I just had one of my smoothie shakes. They are easy to make but kind of make a mess if you miss the cup. I haven’t mastered emptying the packet. I bought a 96 ct box of what I thought would be house blend coffee. Nope. It is a 96 mixed box of House, Breakfast, Pike, and Columbian, all medium roast so it is my kind of flavor. It was expensive but way cheaper than grocery stores. I saved like $20. I also bought the Spring blend again because I love it iced. My sister has a big container of flavored creamer that I use instead of sugar and half and half.

I haven’t had a bowel movement in a few days. I took Miralax yesterday so I hope I go today. I feel like there is a belt around my waist. It is so uncomfortable. I am cathing every two hours today as I am drinking a lot of fluid. I mostly have been drinking water and that runs through me pretty quick. It is hot again today. The house is a million degrees. I am glad I have the AC in my room or I would be dying.

My bicep has been bothering me all day. I don’t know why. I see the specialist doctor that will use ultrasound to inject cortisone in it on Wed. I hope I don’t freak out and cancel the appointment. I will be taking a cab there as I don’t know how my legs will be. The short walk I had the other day to the pharmacy was rough. My back cramped up so many times. It was awful. I had to sit down on stairs of people’s houses.

Sox are playing tonight. They had an ugly loss yesterday. They lead 4-0 and then the bullpen blew it. I am still mad. They are playing the Cubs in Chicago. I’ll be paying attention if I am not listening to the game.