Category: depression

Gonna be a warm summer

It is cool today but my room is hot. Consequences of living on the top floor. My room was an ice box last night so I put on a long sleeve shirt so I could sleep comfortably. I woke up sweating when I had to pee this morning. I kept dreaming about Marina Sirtis and her counseling people. I also dreamt my sister had a little boy that I was somehow in charge of who refused to listen to me and broke some glass windows. I had some weird dreams but they were at least pleasant ones rather than disturbing.

I didn’t get up till after 1230. My mother was in the kitchen cutting up some meat that my sister had bought. I was glad she didn’t have to sweat as there was a cool breeze coming through the door. I had to move some of the meat so I could make my coffee as she was in front of the Keurig. I ended up having two cups and then half a sandwich of black bean burger. I also had my biscuits. I didn’t know what I wanted to eat. I still have some yogurt I haven’t touched.

I am constipated. I just realized that I haven’t been taking senna all week. I checked my box to see if there was one in there and there wasn’t. I have them I just forgot to put them in. UGH. Now I got to drink Miralax to my colon can be emptied. Magnesium was working for awhile. But now seems to have stopped. It works well with the senna.

Because it is much cooler and not humid today, I plan on taking a shower and shaving so I can have a proper goatee. I had let my beard go and then I took it off the other day. I was going to shave the next day but never did due to brain fog (Thursday). Also plan on brushing my teeth. I have coffee breath. But what do expect after having two cups? LOL

Sox have been on a losing streak, and they are playing the Skankees. I am so uninterested because rookies are pitching and getting their asses handed to them. It has been awful. Last night they lost 12-5. Pitiful. It has been hard keeping up. I just plan on reading after I shower and shave. I haven’t been able to read all week because of the appointments I had. I need to read at least a chapter or two over the weekend. That is the plan.

Pissed off and grumpy

I was supposed to have an appointment with the dietitian today and it got cancelled because my insurance doesn’t cover it. So I checked with my secondary insurance and they appear to cover it. I called the weight center and was told if Medicare denies a claim, no insurance will pick it up. Fucking a. I am so damn mad.

I had sent my refill request for gaba and instead got my pain meds refilled. NOT THE SAME THING but I will take it. I was able to get an increase in my meds and I am thankful because this means I might not have to die next year after all. Then she tells me she is leaving Boston. I am so sad at her leaving because I really liked her. I will have the director of the program as my PCP now. Fun.

I met with my therapist yesterday. I told her what my pcp said about the top surgery and me seeking support from my friends on social media. My pcp doesn’t think my BMI is going to be a problem and that reassured me. She also said that if for whatever reason it can’t be done at this hospital, we can look for someone outside and in other areas of Boston.

I had fog brain when I was seeing my therapist so I wasn’t very talkative. It was very hard to think. I hate when I struggle like that. I didn’t even take any gaba, it was just that I was tired from having a rough night of no sleep. I also had difficulty sleeping last night. I kept dreaming about catheters and needing to go to the bathroom and then waking up to go pee. This every two hour thing is messing with my head in a serious way. And to know that it is permanent doesn’t help my mental issues with it. I talked briefly about this with my therapist but I don’t think she really understands my struggles with it. I have been having bladder pain the last few days. I am going to have to give a sample if it doesn’t resolve over the weekend.

I did a search for nutritionists on my health plan and lo and behold, there is one from the weight center covered on my plan! I sent a message to my doctor. I was so pissed, I decided to take a walk. I had to mail my advance directives back to my pcp. Then I went to the store looking for Oreo ice cream and they didn’t have it. I got some green tea instead.

OMG I am freaking out. My pain meds need a prior authorization and once they get it back from doc, needs three days for approval. I run out of meds the 17^th when they are to be processed but not shipped out. I will run out of meds if this doesn’t get done in a timely manner. I just left a message with them to be aware of the faxes for both meds. I have no idea why she didn’t send it to the retail pharmacy. UGH. I am so fucking anxious and I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I am trying to calm myself by saying I have enough meds now I am ok.

My oldest niece just texted me that she is here. Hopefully spending some time with her will take my mind off these medical fiascos.

A day of anxiety

I had a good night sleeping, only waking up twice and being able to get back to sleep after. I woke up before my alarms. I had coffee and oatmeal for breakfast followed by a shake. It kept the hunger down. I drank water while I was out. I took a cab to my doctor’s appointment. Because I didn’t have too much pain in my bicep, the doc decided to inject the area where I broke my shoulder. She said the capsule was inflamed as it didn’t want the needle to go through. That was the only complication. She gave me so much lidocaine, I didn’t feel anything. My shoulder is still numb. After the shot, I started to get tightness in my chest. I think it was just anxiety so I went and got a 4 shot mocha at Starbucks afterwards.

I drank the drink outside where there was a man that kept on asking every person that walked by if “they could help him out”. It was annoying. If I had change, I would have given him something. I feel bad for them. I came home at the same time my mother did. She let me go up the stairs ahead of her as she is slower. I sat in the kitchen to rest. My heart was racing. I filled the water jug for my mother as she was tired and it was hot in the kitchen.

I went upstairs and after I got undressed, I sat on my bed where I experienced palpitations galore. My ankle flared up so I took a Ativan and BT med. Then I got pain in my bladder. I really didn’t want to get dressed. My nephew isn’t home so I just put a tank top on.

Before I left for my appointment, the weight doc’s secretary called. She wanted to book appointments for me. I have an appointment Fri with the dietitian and then end of the month I have the caloric testing as well as body composition thing. Then I see him some time in August to go over the results. The bad news is that I will be in the office for about an hour, if not more. The good news is that there is my favorite burrito place next door to the office so I can have a burrito for lunch. Hopefully the construction around the building will have been completed and there is a place to sit outside. Otherwise I will take the burrito home with me.

This time next year I hope to be able to be shirtless and walk around the house like that. I am wicked tired from my appointment. It took a lot of spoons. I brushed my teeth and shaved off the beard so now I just have a goatee. I plan on giving myself a closer shave tomorrow with the razor. If I am up in the morning I will do it then. Otherwise it will be after my appointment with my pcp.

My gender dysphoria was high today when I gave myself the T shot. My fricken hairy boob was in my way and I couldn’t see where the injection site was. Fucking pissed me off so much. I can’t wait till these suckers are off. I want all the breast tissue gone. Not one ounce of it left. Then small nipples. Hope this can happen. Fingers crossed.