Category: depression

Therapy and other depressing stuff

I told my therapist I didn’t sleep and that I have been up since 0130 or so. I had to pee and I wasn’t able to get back to sleep because severe bladder pain kept me up. I had energy this morning after I had my coffee so I went to the lab to drop off a urine sample that is going to be negative as the urine was clear. But I did it just to be sure it is negative. I think I may have CRPS in my bladder. I asked my neurologist this question. I technically don’t have a urologist until I see him in two weeks.

I told her that once I get $12K, I will be going to Switzerland to end my life because the CRPS is spreading up my leg. I also told her I have vaguely thought about killing myself here. She knows I have the means. I don’t plan on telling her when I act on the feeling. She doesn’t know this. I don’t want a rescue or a hospitalization. I do want to have top surgery first before I end up killing myself, though. I told my therapist this. She gave me the imagery skill to use between now and next session. I told her I would practice it.

I just bought a TENS unit. I am going to see if that helps my pain. I don’t think it will do anything for my bladder but if it helps the CRPS, I am for it. That is all for today because I am falling asleep. Will write later if I have the energy.

Blog 28032022

I had a relaxing Sunday. I stayed in bed for most of the day and then only got up to eat. I finished off the chili cornbread that I had made for myself. It was so good. I have been slowly clearing off my bed to change my sheets. Hoping to be done by Wed. It just takes a lot out of me.

I brushed my teeth today and took a shower before bed. While trying to wash my back I place my arm behind my back and it caused massive pain in my shoulder and bicep. I can no longer do that. I don’t know if PT would have fixed it or not. I would have loved to have at least another month of PT to help get my function back but after five months, I guess PT was done with me.

I have therapy today. I am hoping I am awake enough for it. I don’t know if I am going to do the agenda I want to do. I really just want to talk about being depressed and stuff. I don’t feel like being a professor today. I haven’t read the workbook all week because I was so busy with appointments and stuff. I was so damn tired. I still am tired. All I keep thinking about is how to get 12k just so I can end my life. It would actually be more than that as I would have to update my passport and then have to have money for a place to stay and stuff for afterwards. I don’t want the CRPS to spread up my leg but there is nothing nobody can do about it and I don’t want to amputate my leg either, though I have thought about it a million times. I have thought about assisted suicide about as much as well. I thought about going to Oregon where they have assisted suicide but you have to be a resident there for at least six months and be terminally ill. I am not considered to be terminal. I just have a chronic pain condition that is spreading up my body. It is really distressing.

On Saturday I got my haircut. I shave it all off in support of people with cancer. My mother saw me today and said that I shouldn’t give my barber his favorite dish anymore because he “chopped” my head off. I didn’t tell her that I wanted my hair this way. Or rather my head. I have no hair on it. Just a stubble. I am thinking about shaving it off so that I am bald. Might do that later today.

I am going to tell my therapist that there is no point in continuing because I plan on ending my life.  I don’t want to continue with therapy when I am not going to change my mind. No point in learning new skills. I am not going to do it now or even soon. But it will happen probably sometime this year so I am not even sure getting top surgery will be worth it. It may so I can finally be who I want to be. And who knows, that may change my mind. I will finally have the body I have always wanted.

Since yesterday afternoon, my CRPS has been on fire. My ankle and foot have been burning me. Now I am in pain. Never fails that after the burn, comes pain. Why should I continue to live this way? Why must I always be in fucking pain? No one can stop the spread of it up my leg. Who knows if it will stop there. It might affect my whole left side of my body. I can’t live with that kind of pain every single day. I have been battling this since 2010. It has been 12 years I have been in constant pain every single day. I can no longer work. I can’t even volunteer some place due to my LTD restrictions. I am so tired, exhausted of living with pain. It will be over soon. I just got to plan it and hope it works.

Saturday Blog 26032022

My barber’s sister died so I brought him his favorite dish that I make. I got my haircut today, bald cut to support my friends fighting cancer. Now I just plan on growing my hair out but that could change if I get annoyed with my hair.

I am feeling so wiped out. I tried to nap when I came home but I guess the four shot of espresso prevented that from happening. I just couldn’t turn my brain off. I just rested for about an hour and a half. I got up when I got a second text message. I couldn’t lay there anymore. I was getting hungry, too.

I heated up the chili cornbread I made for my barber. It was so good. I still have a little leftover for tomorrow. It is one of my favorite dishes. I had gotten the recipe from Trisha Yearwood when I was watching her program on the Food Network. It is really easy to make.

I started to have nerve pain in my thigh on the way home. My thigh keeps twitching. I don’t know why it is annoyed, though I have done a lot of walking this week. The nice part was that I didn’t experience palpitations while doing so. I feel kind of depressed today for no reason in particular. I just feel run down. It just started to rain so I think that is why my leg is hurting me. Hope it doesn’t flare up the CRPS. I could use a break from that kind of pain.

Next week is not going to be as busy. I just have two appointments and they are virtual so I don’t have to leave the house. I have been working on things for therapy on Mon. I bought little notebooks to keep track of the skills. It is going to be a challenge to actually work on them when not in therapy. I still am trying to get through the workbook. I haven’t had time this week to read much of it, though I tried. I am too tired today to read it. I am giving myself the rest of the day to relax and rest.