Category: depression

Trans visibility day

Today is trans visibility day. I got the urge to call the plastic surgery dept for an appointment for top surgery. I called three different numbers to finally connect with someone. I now have an appointment in July with the chief of plastics. I asked my therapist for a letter of support and she said we would talk about this on Mon. WTF. I am so anxious now.

I read some stuff about nipple grafts. I still haven’t decided if I want it or not. I just want the breast tissue gone. But if the surgeon wants to do a nipple graft than I will have it as some surgeons prefer to do them. I will have drains. The appointment is in July so I have until then to work on my weight a bit.

I am tired today. I didn’t sleep well last night. I read most of the night because I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to turn on the laptop. I tried to stay off my phone as much as possible. I didn’t have that much messages so that was good. When I did sleep, I was up every hour. I was either thirsty or I had to go pee. I was also having weird dreams that kept me up.

My biggest fear right now is that my therapist is going to tell me I am too depressed for surgery. If she won’t write the letter, I will have my psychiatrist do it. He volunteered to do it when I told him I got the referral.

My uro NP reached out to be about the sample catheters I had requested. I have an appointment with her tomorrow afternoon. Bladder pain has settled down some. Tomorrow I stop taking 2 of the 3 uro meds for the test I am having done next week. It will be with the old urologist that creeps me out. Gonna be fun being exposed with him. I just hope he doesn’t have to exam me at all. The test is to see if the meds I take are causing my bladder to be atonic. I can still void. I just don’t empty all the time or it takes me a long time to empty because the stream is fickle. Cathing just makes things easier as I have to cath after I void anyway to make sure the bladder is empty.

I am tired today. I was supposed to pick up my meds but never did. My niece said she would but she disappeared when she said she would get them. I haven’t heard from her since she left. My brother In law picked them up for me. I am grateful he goes for me. I am just so damn depressed and psychache is kind of high. My ankle/foot pain is a 4. I realized this morning I didn’t take my morning meds yesterday so that was why I had heartburn all day and was in serious pain all day. I didn’t take my extended release pain med so I was in pain. Yesterday was a very bad pain day and now I know why. Ugh I hate when I miss taking my meds. I could have sworn I took them. But the box was full of meds so obviously I didn’t. Now I know the med is doing something. Today the pain is low but still uncomfortable. I have been taking ibuprofen all day because my shoulder has been bothering me. I must have pulled a muscle when I reached behind my back. I used the TENS unit on it and the trapezius muscle on my neck to help ease the pain and tension there. It helped. It was kind of scary though because as I had the pad on my bicep it was moving my fingers as well with each pulse. It was definitely on a nerve.

I have a dentist appointment next week. I am not looking forward to it. I might cancel it because I have been really bad about brushing my teeth. I didn’t brush yesterday or today, yet. I just am too lazy. One of my friend on Twitter told me about toothbrushes where you just chew them. That would make me sick. I don’t really like the taste of toothpaste anyway. She was trying to be helpful in getting me to brush on days I don’t feel like it.

A friend on twitter has this rage Wednesday every week. I usually don’t participate because nothing (other than pain) bothers me. Today I was thinking how it has been 10 years since I’ve been permanently disabled and I am still in horrific pain. And now that pain is spreading up my leg, which has made me very depressed.

I bought a TENS unit. Found out you have to have two pad plugged in not one. Well I had it on the highest setting because I didn’t know what I was doing and shocked the hell out of my calf muscles. I put it on a lower setting and had it on for a few minutes. But the damage to my left was enough to activate CRPS in my ankle/foot so now I am in agony. I took a pain med and slept for an hour before my bladder woke me up.

It took 8 years to be diagnosed and 9 years to be on adequate pain meds. I am still undertreated with my pain. I think I should be on a higher dose of pain meds but no one else agrees with me. I’ve stopped complaining because I don’t want them to stop prescribing me pain meds. I don’t have too much side effects. Constipation is a big one but I am on other meds that that cause constipation too. I take 3 meds for it. One is not really a med but a supplement. I have to stay on top of it because I’ve learned that if I don’t, I don’t go for days to week.

I didn’t have a good sleep. I was up most of the night again. Seems every other night I have insomnia. I am glad I don’t have anything planned today. I wanted to clear off my bed and change my sheets but that might be tomorrow. I am cold and tired. I just want to be under the covers. I don’t care if I sleep or not. I just want to be warm.

My mother’s sugar dropped so I had to make her lunch. I made sure she was ok before I went upstairs. Her back hurts and she was doing laundry. A good combo for sugar to drop. She is ok now. I am glad she called me.

Tonight we will be celebrating my bro in law’s birthday. Should be fun. He usually has a rum cake. It is so good. I am looking forward to it.

Pass off game

I had messaged my neuro to ask if CRPS can be in the bladder and was assured that it cannot. So I am glad that isn’t why I am in pain. The uro I messaged yesterday did say that my urine is clean. No sign of infection so I can take my pain med for the pain. I messaged my pcp and she passed me off to uro for further treatment. I just feel like it is a run around with these doctors. I am so sick of dealing with it. I have been dealing with this shit for 10 years now. I let my pcp know what the uro said and also told them my depression is bad. I didn’t tell them or my psychiatrist that I plan on going to Switzerland for assisted suicide. When I get the money to actually do it, I will.

My TENS unit came today. I haven’t opened it yet. I don’t really feel good today as I woke up with a headache. I feel run down and it is only Tues. I am making progress in clearing my bed off. I just have my “office” to get off my bed. I took most of the recycles off my bed and in my room last night. I have to bring it downstairs tomorrow for trash day. I have a lot of boxes and three bags of recycles.

I reluctantly went to the chronic pain group today. It made me sad as a member started crying over her son who was just diagnosed with colon cancer. I told them I was depressed that my pain is spreading. I didn’t get much support.

I woke up around 1330 and it is now 1600. I am ready for bed again. I am just so damn tired. I had spinach that I made. I had wanted to have it as a salad but it is a few days old and had to make it before it became bad. It was good. Hope it gives me the iron I need. I am trying to stay up but it is difficult. I don’t know why I am so tired but then again, I was up nearly 24 hrs yesterday so that may have something to do with it. I slept through most of the night, only waking up once to use the bathroom. I went back to sleep quickly. I had woken up around 10 to use the bathroom again and to take my meds. My blood pressure is better. I took it yesterday and it was 129/88. My heartrate was in the 90s but I had just come up the stairs so it takes a little while to settle down.

Therapy had given me a new skill called imagery to use. I have been using it on and off most of the time I have been up today. I just keep going to my “happy” place. It is cold today and the draft from the AC is making my room really cold. I just want to go under the blankets. My ankle has been throbbing for the third day in a row. Yesterday it was burning all day. The cold weather hasn’t helped it. Yesterday I woke up to snow. It is the end of March but spring hasn’t been around. I just want weather where I don’t have to wear a jacket, not to hot but not too cold either. Just like 60 or 70 degree weather. Preferably cloudy so I don’t have to deal with the sun. I hate dealing with sunny days. They make me depressed.