Category: depression

Saturday Blog 16072022

I had a difficult time trying to sleep last night. I didn’t end up going to bed till 0300 or later. I don’t remember exactly what I turned in. I was in a lot of pain and it kept me up some. I got up around 9 because I had to go to the Square to get my meds. I had my coffee and a little something to eat and then I went back up to my room to cool off. The kitchen was really hot and I was sweating.

I checked the time and there would be a bus in about an hour which is when I wanted to leave. I doomscrolled Twitter while I was passing the time. Then I got dressed and left the house. I waited fifteen minutes for the bus. I was hurting as my back had cramped up half way to the bus stop. No one was there and I was grateful I could sit down. There was some kind of event at the Square so the bus couldn’t drop us off at the station. We got off a couple of blocks before. It was ok to walk. I went to the pharmacy and got my meds. I also got a thank you card for the RN that helped me with my prior authorization all week. Then I went to Starbucks. I had to wait as they didn’t make my drink right. I have no idea what they made but it wasn’t a mocha.

I sat down at one of the tables and finished reading the Suicidal Thoughts Workbook. It felt good to finish two books this month. I plan on reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman next. I thought about reading Treating Suicidal Behaviors but I want to pause my suicidal readings right now. I caught the bus home. My foot had started to act up while I was at the bus stop. It didn’t stop and by the time I got home I was in agony. I had just enough brain cells to write a short review of the workbook (see previous blog post). I posted on Amazon, Goodreads, and my blog. I let the author know and she was thankful.

Then I tried to rest but pain kept me from actually sleeping. I just laid down while my leg flared up. I had already taken my pain meds. It has quieted down a little bit. I told my mother I couldn’t make dinner and I guess she didn’t feel like making it either because the chicken is still in the fridge. I will have to make it tomorrow or it will go bad. Think I will make if for lunch. I forgot to get lemon at the store. I had gone to the butcher shop to get some American cheese and burgers. I froze the burgers when I got home because last time I left them in the fridge they turned brown. I will just take what I want out of the freezer when I need them.

I am wicked tired. I did a lot of walking in the square as the event had closed down some streets. There were tents everywhere. One of the closed streets had a band playing. There was a lot of people without masks. I wore mine though. Sox won last night in the 11^th inning. I am glad they ended their losing streak. Pivetta is on the mound tonight. I hope he pitches well. I don’t think I am going to last till the 9^th inning like I did last night. I am just too tired and I am in pain.

Review Suicidal Thoughts Workbook

The Suicidal Thoughts Workbook is written by Kathryn Gordon, PhD, who is a therapist that does work with suicidal clients. This book was one of the best books I have ever read about suicide. It gives practical worksheets (some of which are downloadable from the book’s website) as well as a cheering on for making this far. Dr. Gordon uses perfect examples of how to answer the questions if you get stuck or have trouble answering them. There are no right or wrong answers and she encourages you throughout the book. I highly recommend this book for people who have suicidal thoughts, loved ones who have people with suicidal thoughts, as well as professionals that work with suicidal clients.

I struck out

I got a couple of messages about my pain meds this morning but because I had the do not disturb on, I didn’t get them until I got up around 11. My pharmacy called saying they were going to ask my doc for another drug to replace my pain meds. That ain’t happening. Then I get a message from the RN in my pcp’s office and she said she was going to put through the pain meds without dates to see if insurance will cover it. I called my insurance and the prior auth was denied but it is in appeal, but unless it was put through urgently (3 days), it can take up to 30 days for a decision. All this means is that without a plan from my doc, I will be out of meds this weekend. I am so depressed about this and not looking forward to withdrawal. I haven’t heard back from the nurse to see what the plan is. I am wicked anxious about it.

I ordered groceries yesterday and they were to come between 12:15 and 12:45. They didn’t come till around 1330. It wasn’t a big order but I ordered water which is heavy. I left it downstairs as I couldn’t carry it up the stairs. I forgot I ordered turkey breast and I was so damn happy because I have been craving a turkey sandwich. I made one after I put the groceries away.

I was going to go out today but I am feeling tired. My good feelings about the surgery carried me to almost 0300 so I couldn’t sleep. I wrote in my journal to calm down. I slept until my bladder woke me up to pee.

My pcp’s RN got back to me. Bad news. The insurance company is not seeing this as a medical necessity so didn’t approve the appeal. But they did allow four months. I don’t completely understand it but I know I won’t go into withdrawal this weekend as I will have my meds. I am trying not to spiral into a suicidal depression. I can’t help thinking what good is top surgery if I have to live my life in pain anyways.

I sent a message to my psychiatrist as I am upset right now. I told him what went on with the pain meds. He already knows that I had planned to end my life the end of June next year. I was really hoping to avoid it because things were going ok. I thought the increase in pain meds will help me and then I won’t be suffering the way I have been the last few months.

My ankle has been killing me the last few hours. I finally took something after I ate dinner. My mother made porkchops and boiled potato. I ate it plain. I didn’t even put salt on it. I love plain potatoes. When my mother used to buy the Market Basket fries, that would be what I would eat for lunch. Just fries. They were really good.

Not sure what I will be doing tonight. Sox are playing the skankees and these games always stress me out so I have been just checking the scores, usually when I know the game is over otherwise I am tempted to turn the game on. I still have the Suicidal Workbook to finish reading. Might be good to read as I am in that mindset. Might help me get out of it.

Exciting news!!

After months of anxiety waiting for my top surgery consult appointment to happen, today was the day! I had made plans last week with my therapist about what to do if things went poorly and surprisingly, having those things in place helped my anxiety for the week. However this week was a clusterfuck of anxiety as I have had to deal with my pain meds needing prior authorization, caths still needing documentation for a complete order, and fighting with the weight center to get an appointment with a dietitian.

Before I left for my appointment, caths were approved so the rest of my order is being shipped today. I will get them next week. I made the appointment with the dietitian the other day after I have to sign some paperwork as Medicare won’t cover the claim. My prior authorization was still pending when I called so I have to call tomorrow to find out if it has been approved. I forced myself to have something to eat before I left so I made a scrambled egg sandwich. Then it was time to go.

For the first time since I have been using the cab company for my appointments, the cab was late. I was late for my appointment and was freaking out. I got there fifteen minutes late and of course I had new patient paperwork to fill out. I don’t know why they have these forms for someone who has their care at the hospital. You’re basically rewriting your medical record into these papers. The only thing that I had to sign was the consent to be photographed for before and after operation.

The surgeon came in with a scribe and someone else. He didn’t make introductions. Just got right to the point. He was really handsome and nice. He went over the procedure and things. I don’t think I will be getting dog ears, just drains which I will I be able to do myself. I won’t need nursing care to come to the house. And then he left. I WILL BE GETTING TOP SURGERY!! I got dressed and then went out of the room asking what to do. His NP introduced herself and then lead me to the scheduling coordinator. I couldn’t believe this was happening. It was like fifteen minutes for everything. I will be having the surgery in Dec. In September, they will put the claim through to my insurance. If approved, I can move up the date if I want.

I walked to the station rather than call a cab home as I needed to go to the pharmacy to give them my insurance information. I am using a new pharmacy this month as the other one never seems to have my meds in stock. I run out Sun so I need to make sure there are no glitches by tomorrow. When I got to the pharmacy, there was already dates on when I could get my meds so they couldn’t process them yet. I have no idea if the prior authorization went through. The lady I spoke with today said to check the website. I did when I came home and had no PAs pending so I think I am almost all set. Just need to call tomorrow to confirm. I am nervous as fuck about this. It is a new dose as my pcp changed things around.

I am so tired but I should be able to sleep good tonight. I can’t wait till I see my therapist on Mon. I just hope I am not in a brain fog like I was our last session. It is in the afternoon and I can lose energy around that time.