Category: depression

Allergies and errands

I was having my coffee and all of a sudden I started sneezing, one right after another. I must have sneezed like ten times before I finally stopped. I called my mother to make sure she got down to my aunt’s house ok and started again. It was a short phone call. I am wicked congested. Sadly, I have to go out even though the pollen is high. I need to go to the post office. But I am just not feeling like getting dressed because I haven’t showered and I stink. It’s been at least a week since I last showered.

I went to group even though I didn’t feel like going. It just made me more depressed because they have no clue about CRPS and how there is no treatment for it. I wanted to tell them this but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I kept myself from telling them I plan on going to Switzerland for assisted suicide. Just told them I was depressed. I made an appointment with my therapist after I left. I am so mad at my mother today. She played games with me this morning when I had shit really bad. I let her pee and then she forgot I had to go so closed the bathroom door. I almost shit my pants waiting. Luckily I made it in time. Then while in group my niece called me telling me to go downstairs as my mother needed help. I got off group saying there was an emergency and went downstairs only to find my mother telling me she didn’t need no help. WTF. I am so mad.

Forty-five minutes ago I emptied my bladder and now my damn bladder is hurting. I can’t fucking deal with pain today. My shoulder was hurting me when I woke up this morning. It didn’t go away with the usual movements so I ended up taking a pain med before group started. That was 2.5 hours ago. I can’t take another pill for another hour and a half. I just feel like I am taking the IR meds around the clock and it isn’t supposed to be this way. I want to cry but the tears aren’t coming.

My mother made dinner. Porkchops with corn and beans. The beans were not good. I just had the corn. Allergies are bad today. Gonna have to take a second allegra. Glad my sister isn’t home or all the windows and doors would be open to let the pollen in. I hate spring time.

Groceries and being tired

This morning I ordered my deliveries and it was supposed to come between 3-4p. It didn’t come till 420p. I had the help of my niece to bring the stuff upstairs. I still need to bring the drinks to my room. There are a lot. Unfortunately, the thyme I bought wasn’t what I expected. I think I am gonna have to go to the store to get what I need.

I had therapy and it went ok. She agreed to write me a letter of support. Then we just talked about depression. I didn’t feel like learning a new skill. She said that the skill had to due with the one she gave me and I just couldn’t handle it. I brought up the suicidal mode thing that I had in my new notebook and she wasn’t interested in it. I give up trying. She said that was “out of therapy work”. I finally realized this individual therapy is just that. There is no team in it like it was in the past. This therapist doesn’t want more than 45 mins of my time and I can’t have more than that.

I think I have brought up the last bottles for the night. My leg has flared up again. I’m depressed. I had left over Chinese food and it was so salty. I couldn’t eat it all and tossed what I couldn’t eat.

I meant to mail a package for a friend but I never left the house. I might do it tomorrow morning if I am up. I haven’t really left the house since PT ended. I didn’t shower today but I did brush my teeth. I am still trying to figure out when I am going to shower. Maybe tomorrow if I don’t feel like shit.

Sunday Blog 03042022

For some reason I couldn’t sleep last night. I was playing with my phone and then I went on Paramount + and saw they had Frasier and at 430a I watched an episode. After that I went to bed but I woke up an hour later. I played with my phone again as I had some messages and then I went back to sleep and slept for another hour. I decided to get up and have coffee and something to eat. I had half a sleeve of shortbread Girl Scout cookies and then I made three eggs with shredded sharp cheddar cheese. I also made some toast. It was good I think I put too much cheese as it took a while for it to cook. I then went back to my room and snoozed until my mother called me to see if I was alright. The flares have calmed down for now but I am just feeling wicked tired.

I had to empty my bladder but I didn’t until I finished my 2^nd cup of coffee with the rest of the sleeve of cookies. I rinsed out my cup and then went upstairs. I filled my med boxes for the week. I found an old bottle of lisinopril from 2020 so I used that. I have 4 bottle of labetalol so I won’t need a prescription for it for a while. I still have plenty of gaba. I consolidated where I could.

After that I stocked my catheters on my bureau and then used the box so I could mail out some stuff for a friend of mine who lost her dog. I had bought her a card, which of course I forgot to put in before I sealed the box. I had to open the box again to put the card in. Idiot I am. I then went to the USPS site as my app was having problems on my laptop to pay for shipping and get a label. Tomorrow I will take a trip to the post office and drop it off. I think I will go before therapy. I find that if I do things soon after I wake up, there is a better chance of things getting done than if I wait till afternoon.

Tomorrow I got to return a call to my catheter company for some samples. A representative called and left me a message Friday but I didn’t feel like talking. I don’t know why she just didn’t respond to the damn email. Hate when they call instead.

I am down to my last bottle of Powerade. Gatorade is gone. 28 oz just doesn’t last as long as 32 oz. I hope I get my Covid Snap tomorrow. I was supposed to get it today but today is Sunday and I don’t think deposits go through. I have been trying to drink more water but sometimes I just need the sugar of the Powerade or Gatorade. I’ve been trying to just take my meds with the stuff rather than with water because the pills dissolve easily with water than they do with the other stuff.

I need to shower today. I haven’t brushed my teeth but I did last night before bed. Right now my pain levels are low so I think taking a shower now is better. I might feel better after. I just hope my back doesn’t cramp up. I want to shave and I think I have enough energy for it. I will keep my mustache though and the little tuff under my chin. It’s cool today. I am getting a soft wind through my AC. It is cooling my room off. I am not cold yet but if the temp drops, I will be. It’s 45 degrees right now.

I have a lot of appointments this week. Therapy, group, dentist (which I might cancel), Blood donation, and urodynamic testing. Long week. The only two things I am worried about is the blood donation and UDS. My hemoglobin was low on my last blood count so I am worried I might not be able to donate. The UDS is with a new/old doctor that creeps me out. And he will be seeing my genitals. Just hope he doesn’t have to touch me. There will be a nurse that usually does all the set up for the testing. Just hope it is the same nurses that I had before in my previous testings.

Saturday Blog 02042022

I can’t today. I have been waking up in pain since midnight with my shoulder. I had to take my BT meds to get a few hours sleep. Soon as the meds wore off, I was in pain again. I don’t know why it flared up. Then when I woke up and after I had my coffee, my CRPS flared up. Started with my big toe hurting like crazy and then spread up my foot to my ankle. It hasn’t gone up to my shin yet. I am hoping the meds cut it off before it does. My ankle felt swollen so I looked at it and boy it is. Veins are popping too so that is fun and why that area of my ankle hurts.

I have so much stuff that I wanted to get done today but pain is preventing that from happening. I was able to make a document of the lentil recipe I want to make. I bought the French green lentils for the recipe. I just need to go to Trader Joe’s and get their Dijon mustard. I also need to get some herbs.

I am so tired. I tried napping but ankle pain is too intense. I need to shower and brush my teeth. My mouth feels all ick. I hope my SNAP money comes tomorrow as I only have one bottle of Gatorade left. Pollen count is high today so my allergies are out of control. I will need to take another Allegra pill today.

Both my neuro and pcp wants me to see a pain doc to see what they can do about my pain levels and if my meds need to be adjusted. I just saw them maybe a year ago and all they did was give me Narcan and tell me not to take Ativan with my pain meds (I have taken it together, and guess what I am still alive). I think they mostly saw me as a psychiatric case as they put BPD in my diagnosis. Who does that?? It really pissed me off.

My therapist said “we’ll talk about it on Mon” when I asked her for a letter of support for top surgery. I hope this doesn’t mean she won’t do it. I will just have my psychiatrist do it as he has offered. He sent the letter when I got my hysterectomy so I figure I would ask my therapist for this one. I was going to ask my former psych but my therapist got bent out of shape when I told her. I am going to be pissed if she says no now that I am asking her for one.

The CRPS pain has spread up my leg. My lower leg bones and muscles are hurting me big time. I have no idea if I can stand. I am not even going to attempt it because my ankle is swollen. My mother called to say she made asparagus and eggs again. I am still full from the Chinese food but am feeling nauseous from the pain so don’t want to eat anything right now. This flare is the worst it has been in two years. I just took a double dose of BT meds again. I am going to have to take Miralax so I can go crap.

I am so damn tired. I keep getting stabbing pains in my ankle near the ankle bone, the malleolus. I forget if it is medial or lateral. It is the one outside so I think it is lateral. I want to shower as my head is greasy feeling. I haven’t showered since last Mon or Tues. I trimmed my beard on Wed. I just have stubble now. I really want to shave it clean off. But I won’t be able to stand too long. Not today anyways. I don’t know why I am flared up. The temps have been relatively stable the past few days, though at night the temp drops as the heat turns on and it is cold in the house. I at least trimmed my nails as they were getting long. I type better with short nails. I do need to brush my teeth. I am waiting for the stabbing pains to settle down a bit. I know that if I stand and then rest I am going to be in worse pain than I am in now. That is how the pain goes with CRPS. I am going to ask my new pcp if she would message the pain doc to see if something can be done for the pain. Going to tell her the last time I met with her she didn’t want to do a damn thing because I feel she thought I was a psych case and too much at risk. She didn’t say it but she included one of my psych diagnoses in her notes. Why would she do so if she didn’t think I was a psych case?

I am glad I took an Ativan because the pain just jumped. OMG feels like someone is trying to scoop out the malleolus bone. This pain is very bad. It has been hours now and I am glad meds are working to keep my pain levels down. I had something to eat. I brushed my teeth. Now I am going to go to bed and hopefully sleep all night. I emptied my bladder so I shouldn’t wake up again to empty it. CRPS pain is no fucking joke. My bones still hurt but not as much as they did. Thank god for my BT meds and gabapentin.