Category: depression

Beautiful sad tragic

I am listening to Taylor Swift on my laptop as my phone charges. I got up around 10. Brushed my teeth then had some coffee and a muffin. I went upstairs to bring my packages. I got the willpower to shower. I feel better. I am not sure if I lost my blog streak because I didn’t blog yesterday. I have been in bed the past two days. I didn’t mean to be but I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I was in a lot of pain Thurs and didn’t sleep. I didn’t eat much the past few days. I had a bowl of cereal for dinner yesterday because that is all that I wanted.

I am purposedly not eating so I lose weight. I have another 10 pounds to go before I start eating again. Then I will order a big mac that I have been craving. I hope I can order a Shamerock shake if they have it available. I love this shake.

I got the 2lb weights out of the box. I am hoping to do some curls today. I haven’t done them in a while. I haven’t done any home exercises in a while. But then it is lucky if I fricken shower so. I don’t know why my depression is so bad. I might skip therapy again. Just takes so much out of me. I am entering my third year with her. Some days I feel like things will work out with her and then there are other days when I wonder why I am still with her. Renegade song is strong with how I feel about therapy right now.

I’ve been up most of the night. I’ve had a few hours of sleep here and there but this shoulder pain keeps waking me up. I’m so pissed off because it really isn’t the shoulder but the muscles around it. The muscles in my armpit are tight. They feel like strong on a guitar. I’ve tried putting heat on but I might need to be dry needled.

I read some of my new book Cry of Pain. I like it. It talked about the history of suicide and how it was a crime. People who died by suicide lost their possessions to the king/crown instead of to their next of kin. There were laws in place for it then there were law about attempted suicide where they would be placed either in jail, workhouses, or asylums. Just cruel to those in serious pain. There was no such thing as mental health services in those days. You were just treated as a criminal hence the committed suicide came from. Hope the book gets better after this horrible chapter.

My niece mailed my monitor back. So now we wait for results. Could be mid-March before I see results. I’m not sure it is going to show anything other than tachycardia. I hope there is evidence to help my case that a beta blocker would be what i need. I know it will help the anxiety somewhat like it did before.

My foot/ankle has been acting up for most of the afternoon/evening. It is stressing me out. I sent a message to my therapist about it. I didn’t hear back. I wasn’t expecting one. I am really tired but also in a lot of pain. I’ve been taking the BT meds. It hasn’t helped. Pain is still a 9. We got a lot of snow so I think that is why I am so flared up. I never showered today but did manage to brush my teeth and shave my mustache off. I thought of taking the beard off but I wasn’t in the mood.

It’s almost 330. I’ve been up since 2 with being hot and sweaty and having shoulder pain. The muscles in my armpit are tight and they hurt. I’ve been trying to massage them. I should put heat on them but I don’t want to go downstairs.

I’m writing in my journal. I can’t take Twitter anymore. Too much pain with the Ukraine situation and trans youth being discriminated against. Beto Rourke post something to support the youth but until the damn thing is off the law books nothing will change. It just breaks my heart.

I just started reading a book called Cry of Pain. It is good except I hate the author writing committed suicide in it. It should be died by suicide. He also uses completed suicide which I hate. I am reading the 2014 edition of the book so these terms should not be in there. It is old and outdated.

I hope I get some sleep tonight. We’ll see…

Having a hard few days

Yesterday I canceled therapy. I was so overwhelmed with everything and what is going on in Texas and Florida that I just didn’t want to talk about anything. I slept the afternoon after shutting my phone off. For some reason, I do sleep better with my phone off than I do when it is on. I am also stressed about the Ukraine situation and wonder if WWIII will be happening soon.

This morning I got a DM from a friend who is doing Peds residency in Ohio. She was stressed out and said that she will be off social media for a while. I felt her pain and distress because I am going through it as well (in regards to Texas and Florida). I feel so bad for these kids and their parents. I do hope that child protective services doesn’t separate kids just because their parents affirmed them. But if history is anything, I bet POC and Hispanic families will be targets first. Just makes me sick.

I have barely eaten all week and if my scale it right, I lost more than I wanted to. So I am celebrating by ordering a chicken ceasar salad and papusas. I have been dying to get a grilled chicken salad for a while and this Spanish place makes a good one. It is cold today but the only place I need to go to is the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I am going to pick them up after I eat.

For the first time all week, I slept through the night last night. I didn’t get up till 4am to pee. I paid some bills and then went back to sleep. I still had the ringer off so I slept through my med alarm. I slept till around 0930 when I had to pee again. I took my meds and then texted my therapist for a time for next week as we didn’t discuss this yesterday. She was kind of weird on me when I told her I was skipping session. She asked how was she to respond? How the fuck do I know? Tell me to see me next week then. And that is what we did.

I had my lunch and now I want to nap. Most of my meds are ready at the pharmacy, except the one I really need like my pain meds! They said it would be ready at 11a today. It is now 3pm and it still isn’t ready. I might pick it up tomorrow. I really want to sleep.

I’ve just been drinking water today to try and conserve my Gatorade supply. I haven’t brushed my teeth today yet. I really need to shower as I stink. I shut the ceiling fan off and I have been sweating. I haven’t showered all week. I need to shave downstairs. I found this hair removal stuff that works pretty good and doesn’t irritate me. I just got to find time to do it and the energy. I never have the energy to do anything to do with self-care. It is just so damn hard. Just brushing my teeth is a struggle every day. Some days I can just go ahead and do it and other days it just stresses me out. I feel bad when I don’t brush or shower. I used to be able to shower every other day but now it is more like once a week, if that. It just takes so much out of me and sometimes I just don’t have the spoons to deal with it.