Category: depression

Calico kitten

Rest day

All I did today was rest. I took my morning meds really late though. I am not really worried as the only med that is vaguely important is my pain meds but I will just take my night meds later than usual. I am listening to Taylor’s Speak Now. I love Back to December so I have it on repeat.

My mother made the fish I bought yesterday. She also made potatoes and artichokes. I just had the fish and potatoes. I wasn’t in the mood for an artichoke. Because my mother’s back hurt, I had to clean off the table and put the extra food away. I did and then came upstairs. My heart rate wasn’t high today. It was normal 130s.

I have about two months before my appointment with the top surgery surgeon. I keep thinking of it as a death day. I am cold. I have no feelings other than sadness. I will be going alone to this appointment. I am not really sure where it is and if it is accessible by T or if I will need to Uber it. I know it will cost me $70 for copay. I hope it isn’t the price I pay to die. I just have this feeling of dread.

I am so damn tired even though I slept late this afternoon. It wasn’t a restful sleep though. I kept waking up from weird dreams. Then I had to pee really bad and that is when I got up. I had a message from my pcp’s office. It was about the palpitations that I have been having. They didn’t offer too much advise other than it was important to record these events and see what is going on. I went up the stairs twice and my heart rate didn’t go above 135 today. So weird.

Things in twos today

My cousin didn’t bail on me today so I went to the grocery store. I bought two bags of Powerade and Gatorade, all that I could reach as it was on the top fricken shelf. I didn’t have the self check out thing so I had to scan each bottle at the checkout. Then the stupid computer was yelling at me that the bagging area was full, twice! I came home and was winded carrying the stuff up the stairs. On my last trip I took my heart rate and it was 177 so I recorded the event. I rested for about two hours before I left for PT.

PT was good. I am making progress in my shoulder movements and I was cleared to do bicep and tricep curls. She showed me how to do it while lying down which made it easier. I can’t use 5 lbs for the triceps but I can do it for the right side. The left side I need to use 2lbs, which is like a 32 oz bottle. No problem there, I just bought a few. She dry needled my pectoral muscle as there was a knot that was there and it prevented me from moving my arm up. She also did my trapezius but those muscles were so damn tired afterwards it didn’t make a difference. I could barely lift my arm it was so sore.

After PT, I caught the bus to the Square and decided to do some more grocery shopping. I forgot to get eggs on my first trip so I got that. I also got something to eat at there sandwich place as I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I got a turkey and brie wrap. It was so delicious. I had a mocha with it. I had one paper bag for all that I bought so I asked my sister for a ride home. I knew the bag wasn’t going to make it by public transportation.

She came and got me and I put everything away. I was feeling okay and then went up the stairs to my room. I got the palpitations again and my heart rate was 160. I put the monitor on to record the event again. This is the first time I had to use it twice it one day. I sent a message to my pcp about it so they are aware of it. This episode feels different though. After the palpitations and heart pounding I felt like a flutter in my chest. I am also kind of sleepy. I am just so tired. But then I have had a long day. I am glad tomorrow I don’t have to do anything.

Another day of running around

I got a message back from my doc that they do want a urine sample so I said that I would go today. I had my coffee and a little something to eat while my phone charged. After I finished my coffee, I went upstairs to my room. I checked to see when the next bus would get here. It would be twenty minutes. My phone was fully charged so I got dressed. I made sure I had a couple of caths in my jeans pocket. I didn’t feel like carrying a bag.

I got on the bus and it was full. A guy yelled at me to watch what I was doing but it isn’t my fault if your daughter keeps her feet out where people can trip over them. I got mad. He wasn’t wearing his mask properly and never does while he is on the bus. He will wear it properly when he is off the bus. I don’t get it. Anyway I just wanted to get to where I was going and go back home. I got to the hospital and there was a wait. People couldn’t follow the simple instructions of waiting for your number to be called twice. I was getting so annoyed. There was an employee who kept coming in checking on the flow of the waiting room, telling people where to go or where to sit. There was no distancing in this room and I think that annoyed me more than anything.

I was finally called and quickly gave a sample and left. I took the stairs down because I didn’t want to wait for the elevator. As I was walking back to the station, I was getting tired and thought I might need to sit down but I persevered through the back pain and legs that felt like lead. I forgot the monitor again so if I got another palpitations attack, I wouldn’t be able to record it. While waiting for the train to come, I got a text from the pharmacy that my meds were ready to be picked up. I dreaded this as I knew my heart rate was going to double or triple itself by the time I got home.

There was a line at the pharmacy and then an impatient woman got behind me and kept saying shit. She wasn’t there longer than I was yet she was saying that she was. Fucking bitch. I hate people like that. I paid for my meds and walked home. No sooner was I near three houses away, I started to get short of breath and I could feel my heart race. I had to stop when I got to my house. I rested for a little while and then went up the stairs. I took my jacket off and placed it where I always do then went upstairs huffing and puffing. I washed my hands then went up to my room. My heart rate was over 150. I put the monitor on and called it in. It took almost twenty minutes for it to come down. Then I went downstairs for something and it went back up again. I didn’t use the monitor again.

My sister texted me saying that my mother wants to return the pedal exerciser I bought because she can’t get her feet in the pedals. Luckily, we still had the box to put it in or we would be screwed. My mother told me she couldn’t get her foot on with her slippers on so she was going to try her sneakers but her foot hurt. Fuck it, it is going back. I already did the paperwork. I just got to print it out and attach it to the box. UPS will pick it up tomorrow.

I am taking my night meds early tonight and going to bed. I am fucking exhausted. Urinalysis came back negative so chances are good that I don’t have an infection. The culture for the vagina should be back tomorrow. I haven’t noticed any change since taking the yeast infection pill. I still got discharge. I am not happy about it. I hate that there is no reason why my bladder hurts other than it is neurogenic. I wonder if it is a kind of nerve pain or something. I don’t know I am going to take a nap before I go to sleep.