Category: depression

Having a hard few days

Yesterday I canceled therapy. I was so overwhelmed with everything and what is going on in Texas and Florida that I just didn’t want to talk about anything. I slept the afternoon after shutting my phone off. For some reason, I do sleep better with my phone off than I do when it is on. I am also stressed about the Ukraine situation and wonder if WWIII will be happening soon.

This morning I got a DM from a friend who is doing Peds residency in Ohio. She was stressed out and said that she will be off social media for a while. I felt her pain and distress because I am going through it as well (in regards to Texas and Florida). I feel so bad for these kids and their parents. I do hope that child protective services doesn’t separate kids just because their parents affirmed them. But if history is anything, I bet POC and Hispanic families will be targets first. Just makes me sick.

I have barely eaten all week and if my scale it right, I lost more than I wanted to. So I am celebrating by ordering a chicken ceasar salad and papusas. I have been dying to get a grilled chicken salad for a while and this Spanish place makes a good one. It is cold today but the only place I need to go to is the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I am going to pick them up after I eat.

For the first time all week, I slept through the night last night. I didn’t get up till 4am to pee. I paid some bills and then went back to sleep. I still had the ringer off so I slept through my med alarm. I slept till around 0930 when I had to pee again. I took my meds and then texted my therapist for a time for next week as we didn’t discuss this yesterday. She was kind of weird on me when I told her I was skipping session. She asked how was she to respond? How the fuck do I know? Tell me to see me next week then. And that is what we did.

I had my lunch and now I want to nap. Most of my meds are ready at the pharmacy, except the one I really need like my pain meds! They said it would be ready at 11a today. It is now 3pm and it still isn’t ready. I might pick it up tomorrow. I really want to sleep.

I’ve just been drinking water today to try and conserve my Gatorade supply. I haven’t brushed my teeth today yet. I really need to shower as I stink. I shut the ceiling fan off and I have been sweating. I haven’t showered all week. I need to shave downstairs. I found this hair removal stuff that works pretty good and doesn’t irritate me. I just got to find time to do it and the energy. I never have the energy to do anything to do with self-care. It is just so damn hard. Just brushing my teeth is a struggle every day. Some days I can just go ahead and do it and other days it just stresses me out. I feel bad when I don’t brush or shower. I used to be able to shower every other day but now it is more like once a week, if that. It just takes so much out of me and sometimes I just don’t have the spoons to deal with it.

Sliver of hope

I had sent messages to my therapist and psychiatrist about how poorly my depression is due to the gender dysphoria. My psychiatrist responded last night and said that the place where I get my healthcare doesn’t have BMI as a requirement for top surgery. I am kind of confused as my PCP at the time said that I had to be a 30 just to be referred to the surgeon. So once the cardiac issues have been figured out, I am asking for a referral. It will be much easier to get my surgery done there than at another office. I feel better about this but am still depressed.

I didn’t get any sleep again last night. I was up in pain most of the night. My shoulder kept on waking me up every few hours. I would have to sit up and wait for the pain to go away before trying to sleep again. Then the same thing would happen a few hours later. I tried to sleep in the morning but my mother and nephew were making a lot of noise downstairs so I couldn’t really rest. I feel like shit.

I just had coffee. I was debating whether to have hot or iced coffee. I had bought a cold brew but I haven’t opened it yet. I have to be in the mood for iced coffee as I have gotten used to hot. I am so sleepy.

I have therapy tomorrow and don’t feel like going. I just feel like it is a waste of time.