Category: depression

Interesting European date format today. I am a number nerd.

I woke up at 6 am to pee and then I don’t know what happened. I took my meds around 830 and I was in pain. Both sides of my ribs hurt all along the rib cages. I couldn’t get comfortable. I took a BT med and feel better now. I got up at 1300. I just wanted coffee. I had it with some Belvita. Now I want to go back to sleep.

I sent my therapist a text saying I was getting increasingly suicidal but didn’t tell her why. It is because of the gender dysphoria and my upcoming top surgery appt. I am feeling stressed out about it. I have two recent articles that support me in saying obese males doesn’t cause complications and shouldn’t be a deterrent for surgery. I wish I wasn’t going alone to this appt.

I have been trying to distract myself from my thoughts. I’ve tried clearing off my bed but I have no place to put the stuff other than on top of other stuff. I’ve been taking things off here and there. I am making progress but it isn’t as fast as I want to go. Oh well.

I don’t feel like going to therapy this week. I know my therapist will give me shit if I try to cancel. I really don’t want to talk about being suicidal. She doesn’t want to hear it anyway. She would rather I use some skills or coping things than to talk about it anyway. This is where we differ.

The When it is Darkest book covered the Aeschi way of suicidal prevention intervention. Now I want to find the book and read it again. This way fits in how I want to be treated when I am suicidal. Also would like CAMS but no one in Boston is certified with it. I wonder if I asked my therapist if we have a good alliance what she would say. I feel like sending her a message through the patient web thing and see if she will answer me.

I’m going to look up the Aeschi blog I wrote a few years ago. I think I know where the book is but it is buried and I would have to move a lot of stuff to get it and hope I don’t cause an avalanche.

I have been in such a depressive funk the past few days. Baseball is on hold as they delayed Spring Training. I am so upset. The owners and players have to come to an agreement and they haven’t so that is why it is delayed. Bastards.

Calico kitten

Rest day

All I did today was rest. I took my morning meds really late though. I am not really worried as the only med that is vaguely important is my pain meds but I will just take my night meds later than usual. I am listening to Taylor’s Speak Now. I love Back to December so I have it on repeat.

My mother made the fish I bought yesterday. She also made potatoes and artichokes. I just had the fish and potatoes. I wasn’t in the mood for an artichoke. Because my mother’s back hurt, I had to clean off the table and put the extra food away. I did and then came upstairs. My heart rate wasn’t high today. It was normal 130s.

I have about two months before my appointment with the top surgery surgeon. I keep thinking of it as a death day. I am cold. I have no feelings other than sadness. I will be going alone to this appointment. I am not really sure where it is and if it is accessible by T or if I will need to Uber it. I know it will cost me $70 for copay. I hope it isn’t the price I pay to die. I just have this feeling of dread.

I am so damn tired even though I slept late this afternoon. It wasn’t a restful sleep though. I kept waking up from weird dreams. Then I had to pee really bad and that is when I got up. I had a message from my pcp’s office. It was about the palpitations that I have been having. They didn’t offer too much advise other than it was important to record these events and see what is going on. I went up the stairs twice and my heart rate didn’t go above 135 today. So weird.

Things in twos today

My cousin didn’t bail on me today so I went to the grocery store. I bought two bags of Powerade and Gatorade, all that I could reach as it was on the top fricken shelf. I didn’t have the self check out thing so I had to scan each bottle at the checkout. Then the stupid computer was yelling at me that the bagging area was full, twice! I came home and was winded carrying the stuff up the stairs. On my last trip I took my heart rate and it was 177 so I recorded the event. I rested for about two hours before I left for PT.

PT was good. I am making progress in my shoulder movements and I was cleared to do bicep and tricep curls. She showed me how to do it while lying down which made it easier. I can’t use 5 lbs for the triceps but I can do it for the right side. The left side I need to use 2lbs, which is like a 32 oz bottle. No problem there, I just bought a few. She dry needled my pectoral muscle as there was a knot that was there and it prevented me from moving my arm up. She also did my trapezius but those muscles were so damn tired afterwards it didn’t make a difference. I could barely lift my arm it was so sore.

After PT, I caught the bus to the Square and decided to do some more grocery shopping. I forgot to get eggs on my first trip so I got that. I also got something to eat at there sandwich place as I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I got a turkey and brie wrap. It was so delicious. I had a mocha with it. I had one paper bag for all that I bought so I asked my sister for a ride home. I knew the bag wasn’t going to make it by public transportation.

She came and got me and I put everything away. I was feeling okay and then went up the stairs to my room. I got the palpitations again and my heart rate was 160. I put the monitor on to record the event again. This is the first time I had to use it twice it one day. I sent a message to my pcp about it so they are aware of it. This episode feels different though. After the palpitations and heart pounding I felt like a flutter in my chest. I am also kind of sleepy. I am just so tired. But then I have had a long day. I am glad tomorrow I don’t have to do anything.