Category: depression

Sunday blog 19122021

Today has been an interesting day on Twitter. For interesting discussion, I polled to therapists what they would do if their client/patient was suicidal but had no intent. Right now, safety planning seems to be winning, which is the right thing to do. I am glad there has been discussion around no harm contracts and their bullshit because it focuses more on the therapist’s liability than the patient/client. There also was discussion about CAMS which I absolutely loved. One grad student was trying to tell my friend and I that CAMS was superior to DBT but he wasn’t listening about what to do after the assessment of the SSF. It was some good discussion. I loved it.

I had my appointment with uro and got some good answers. I don’t need to see my neurosurgeon again. She thinks the atonic bladder is due to meds so I will have to have another study done with Dr. Creepy sometime in March without the meds. I have to stop the meds for a week and then have the study done. I asked about vaginal estrogen and she gave me some to put on after I bathe so I don’t have the suppositories. Right now my insurance isn’t covering it or there is a glitch about it at the pharmacy because I am not paying $165 for it. She said that if I do have bladder contractions, which I currently do not, I might be a candidate for botox but I don’t want fucking botox treatment. Hopefully the new uro won’t either.

After my appointment, I went on Twitter and tagged a uro I am following who told me about vaginal estrogen helping the urethra and decreasing UTIs. So I told her I am on it now for urethral pain. This sparked discussion about it. It was amazing to see doctors responding to my tweet. I got a couple new follows out of it which I was glad because now I am at 1300 followers on Twitter before my birthday which is awesome.

I had my dinner. It was good and I am so full. I am getting tired and wondering if I should make some coffee. But it is close to taking my night meds so I probably won’t have coffee. I have been drinking water from my new water bottle. It is too heavy for my left arm to hold. It is made of sturdy glass and the weight of 32 oz makes it even heavier. So I have to use my right arm to hold it. My shoulder has been hurting me all day, though it is more the muscles in my arm that hurt more than my shoulder itself. I sent a message to the surgeon about it and whether the arthrogram will show what is wrong with my muscles. I also would like to know who will be doing the injecting. I don’t want an intern doing it. I also asked him to send a message to my PT for guidance about how to help me. I sent a message to my PT that she should hopefully receive a response from him.

The funny thing with my uro was that she totally thinks I am male and so she thought I had male genitals when I brought up the vaginal estrogen, I confused her. I do hope we stay in touch. She is a great doctor. and will be missed.

Saturday Blog 18122021

I got my new glasses today and I was stumped as to which ones were the transition and which weren’t. The ones with transition I plan on wearing all the time and just use the second pair as a backup to when I am sick of the frames. I like both glasses so it was hard to choose which one to wear but the rim frame is the transition so I am going with that.

I have been having a rough day staying awake. It’s 4pm and I am having a second cup of coffee with my dinner, which is just some quiche as I didn’t want to make a pot pie again. I have some pasta stuff but I would be the only one who eats it because of the salt content. My mother can’t eat it because of her heart condition, though she will probably eat the leftovers.

I woke up twice during the night due to having to pee. The first time was a bad dream that I don’t even remember and the second time was to pee. And did I have to go. I didn’t drink that much while I was up but my bladder was sure full when I got up around 6. I was able to quickly go back to sleep and then wake up a couple of hours later when my med alarm went off. I still didn’t get up right away. I vaguely remember having coffee and biscuits this morning. I was so tired after drinking the coffee. It was like I took a sedative. I took a nap for about three hours, waking up to pee again. I am not surprised because I had a couple glasses of water after I had my coffee and I didn’t empty before taking my nap.

I still am tired and my shoulder is sore. It is snowing so I think the weather is playing a part in my fatigue. Tomorrow afternoon I see my uro. I am glad because I have a few questions for her. I want to know if my bladder scan is worse than the previous one and if I need to see my neurosurg for it because it is getting bad again. I hope not but I am just keeping an open mind on the whole thing.

I looked up arthrogram on the web and found they do inject the joint with dye. OUCH. I will be taking 2 BT meds with me when I go for this study. I got to call Monday and schedule it. I think I can just call radiology as the order is there for the test and I have a follow up with the surgeon in Jan. I did ask if I should continue with shoulder PT until we have results.

I need to make a decision about whether or not to shave my head again. I like it when it is bald but I got to do it every other day or so and my energy levels have been terrible. I am lucky I can shower at least once a week. Chronic pain has been awful to deal with. Every day my shoulder or my foot is acting up. Sometimes at the same time. I just can’t deal. I think I am going to go to bed early again tonight because I am just so damn tired. I wonder if increase in tizanidine is causing my drowsiness. It doesn’t seem to be helping my urethra, though I haven’t had spasms since the increase so maybe it is doing something. Today I had a strong urge while cathing and I didn’t think I was going to be able to hold back. I leaked around the cath a little bit but thankfully it wasn’t a lot. I hate when this happens.

Coloring and other things

Last night before I went to bed I colored a dinosaur picture. I wanted to do some self-care before bed. It had been a whole day of pain. Today I have slept little and so stayed in bed till noon. I took a shower. I wanted to shave my head but I just wasn’t feeling it.

The shoulder surgeon responded to my message. He wants to do a CT with dye to look at the shoulder and soft tissues. I tried calling but didn’t get anywhere. I will try on Monday. PT wanted me to book some more appointments so I did that. We might have to focus on my back more than my shoulder if this pain continues. I have been putting heat on it but it doesn’t seem to help. I have been taking ibuprofen and that helps a little bit.

My new glasses should be here today. I am patiently waiting for them to be delivered. It probably won’t be until after 5pm. I don’t know why our deliveries are at that time but it is. I just hope the prescription isn’t too strong.

I got a pot pie in the oven for dinner. I really like these pies. I am going to continue to order them and the turkey dinner. It is so good. I had cereal for breakfast with my coffee. I only managed to have one cup of coffee today. Maybe I will have my second cup after dinner.

My therapist is taking off the week after Christmas. I am glad. She hasn’t had vacation all year. I am going to relish having a week off therapy. I still have PT to go to. But that is a different therapy. Still tiring though. I think during the break, I will read the book “Trauma and Recovery”. I had started it but I never got into it. It was required reading while I was take a trauma psych class.

I am feeling depressed about being in pain and also about my birthday coming up. I am planning a dinner date as I want filet mignon and mashed potatoes. I will be buying the meat the day of my birthday so it is fresh. I know my mother is going to get me a daughter card. I mentioned it on Twitter and my favorite friend said that I was her brother. That made me feel better.

Shoulder pain and another night of no sleep

I was in a lot of pain last night. I kept waking up every four hours with my arm hurting me. I kept taking my BT meds and sleeping then waking up again in a few hours. It was terrible. I finally sent a message to the shoulder surgeon and am still waiting on what to do. My arm muscles are still sore. I mostly stayed in bed all day.  I am so tired.

Yesterday I met with my therapist in person and it went great. I felt like we covered some ground. She told me it was them and not me that had serious problems and that made me feel better. I thought I could make this a weekly thing but I think I got to ease into it. I am seeing her virtually on Mon.

My uro got in touch with me today. She wants to see me Sunday! So I said yes. There is a lot to cover. I still need to know if my bladder is worse than previous testing. I hope to get some answers when I see her. I don’t know when I will see the new doctor that I really don’t want to see.

My arm is still sore. I just took some more meds to try and calm it down. I don’t know why it is hurting so much. I haven’t done anything with it. I am tempted to use the sling again. I just want to sleep. I am going to nap for a bit before I have to take my night meds. I haven’t eaten much today. I don’t really have an appetite.