Category: depression

Therapy Friday 25072025

I didn’t sleep again last night and my delivery stayed an hour outside in the heat because I didn’t look at my text messages. It was going off and I was just like shut up. I wanted to sleep. When I woke up I realized it could have been the delivery and it was and I quickly took my meds and went downstairs to put stuff away. My ice cream was really soft. I was so mad at myself.

I had a cup of coffee and played with the puppy before therapy. I wanted to shower but it wasn’t happening. The house was a million degrees and I couldn’t tolerate it. I wanted to be with the puppy so she wasn’t alone but her room didn’t have the AC on and she doesn’t like cold.

Therapy went ok. I didn’t talk to her about anything I wanted to talk to her about regarding my suicidality. She brought it up but we didn’t delve into it. I brought up my body image issues so we discussed that. Before we ended, she gave me some questions to think about for next week. I just went over them and it is thought provoking. It is something I will have to sit and think about. I know part of the reason I have issues is because my father harped on my weight by calling me fat and ugly for years. My therapist called them opinion distortions or something along those lines. They aren’t facts.

Next week I will find out about the weight loss drug approval or not. I saw one report that in eight months, you can lose sixty pounds. That would be my goal. I want to be around 160 but Ideally would love to be 140. But I want to lose slow enough that I don’t have skin hanging off me.

I am wicked tired. I spent so much time in the heat and it just exhausted me. I didn’t shower like I wanted to today. I didn’t even brush my teeth. Try again tomorrow. There was a meme that I will share in this post about courage and trying again tomorrow. I found it meaningful and spot on for me. I don’t know if I will shave my head tomorrow. It is getting a bit long for a razor. I will try it but I might have to let it grow and then buzz it to start over.

Out in 90 degree weather

It was hot out but not humid thank god. I think I would have died as I walked from the train station to the DMH office. My legs felt like a combo of cement and jello as they were heavy and weak. I had one coffee before I left the house and then I took a Lyft to the train station so I could get a latte and something to eat at Starbucks. I rested as much as I could and it still took me almost twenty minutes to walk 0.1 miles. My legs were not having it so I had to walk slow.

After the appt I went to the grocery store. Luckily the cereal aisle was near the milk. I also got some chicken wings for dinner as I have been craving them. I got a steak and cheese at Jersey Mike’s as it was a new place I never been to. It was a good sub but the bread was not good. It fell apart as I was eating it.

I got home quick. Train and bus were minimal wait though it took me forever to walk down the street that becomes a mile long. I stopped midway for a bit. I had to rest. I hope that once I start to lose weight my legs don’t become jelly. I am so glad I didn’t take the puppy with me. I thought about it but it was too much heat. I became a sweat ball by the time I came home. My shirt was soaked with sweat.

I talked to my DMH worker about my therapist. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, partly because the Sox score kept seesawing back and forth. They finally won in the 11^th inning. I was fidgety and thought about what the therapist sent me. I went over it and it had NOTHING to do with me. I couldn’t connect with it and it made no sense trying to learn it. What I sent her made sense and applied to me. There is no reason to go to another set of beliefs. I started writing a post but I was so tired I couldn’t get my thoughts together. I wrote a paragraph. I will share it tomorrow. The platform that she uses for virtual appts isn’t zoom so I can’t share the doc. I will just message it in the app.

I am tired. I just gave the puppy a bunch of treats.  Then we played tug of war. She doesn’t get aggressive. She has to be the calmest puppy I’ve ever met. She will have her zoomies though. Out in our yard she runs around like crazy. I love her so much.

Allergies bad today

Since waking up this morning, I have been sneezing my head off. Not only in my room but in the kitchen as well. It is cool out today and the pollen is low but it is grass which I am allergic to. I feel ok otherwise, maybe a little tired. I tried doing the laundry today. The comforter my niece has needed two dry cycles. I am waiting for the second to stop so I can put the towels in to dry.

I was feeling pretty depressed this morning. I have to clear my bed off but I have no energy to do it. It was a challenge today just to brush my teeth. I can’t blame the puppy because she isn’t here. I had my last salad kit for lunch. I had two cups of coffee. It should just really be one big cup but the Keurig doesn’t make it big enough and I don’t have a big sized cup so two it is.

I made a PB&J for supper. I drank one of Starbucks energy drinks with it. I didn’t like it and I have another one in the fridge. It was a lot of seltzer and now I have gas pains. I don’t know. I have been fighting sleep most of the day. But no matter what room I enter, I start sneezing. It is cold in my room because I had the AC on. I shut it off but it hasn’t warmed up. My feet are cold.

All I’ve been thinking of counting out some pills or dying. My sister set off my PTSD when she came home and I just had enough. I don’t feel safe at home anymore. My nerves are shattered. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells. I hate it. I wish there was a way out or a place I could go to. I don’t need this stress.