Category: suicide attempt

exhaustion

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Today I was very tired, more than tired…fatigued to the point where every time I blinks I had to pry my eyes open.  Work was pretty busy until all the outpatients were done. Then things slowed down and boredom set in.  I couldn’t think straight and we got a bunch of add-ons so that kept me busy for a little bit.  I realized my phone needed to be charged and in the process, ending up “renaming” my MP3’s so they didn’t come up as #’s when I go into my song list. This MP3 player on the Palm Pre is weird. It gives you an option of having a playlist, but you need a third party to actually program it. iTunes used to be one of those parties but I don’t have a Mac and I HATE itunes because it always crashes and takes forever to load, even just to end the program.

After doing this I was still bored so decided to do my online prep thing. This course is already telling me stuff I already know. BORING. I do the stupid thing and then the final part you are supposed to copy and paste everything you just did with a sentence or two of what you learned. WTF. I learned NOTHING except I am a procrastinator!!  The next module has to do with goals. How the hell am I supposed to do goals when all I want to do is kill myself????  But I can’t write that I want to be dead by the end of the month and actually submit the ways to do it. That might freak someone out and get my ass hauled to APS or some other psych emergency room.  Instead, I just do what I think the world wants me to and go about pretending this is what I want to do with my “life”. I put down that my goal is to finish my bachelor’s degree in 4 years. How the hell I am going to pay for this, no fucking clue. I can barely afford having a car, much less trying to actually spend thousands on my education.  But not only do I have to say what my goals are, I have to list how I am going to accomplish them. I just think about how I’d like to achieve that and write, even though I know all of it is just complete BULLSHIT. Ha..the first time in my life where I am writing that.  The next module is a little bit more intense. I need to work on it like every other day for the next week in order to get credit. That is going to be difficult as next week I not only not have a car to get to where I need to go for my job, but I also have samples to pull for a fellow and I STILL have to fricken aliquot samples for vitamin D testing.

But for NOW, I have tomorrow off and I don’t think I am going to do a DAMN thing except play my facebook games, eat KFC (once I figure out how I am going to get to and back as walking could be icy tomorrow), and then watch the superbowl and hope that both teams lose, which I don’t think will be possible as in the words of John Madden, “the team with the most points win”. I do hope it’s Green Bay only because I really don’t want a sex offender winning his 3rd superbowl ring and tying Tom Brady.  I have no idea who the players are (course I can say the same for the Patriots) and how good each team’s offense and defense are. But I am sure the commentators will only tell me a hundred times during the first 2 hours of the game.  They are playing in Dallas, which is a nice stadium.  When the Pats sucked, I was a cowboy fan and loved how Aikman played and how Jimmy Johnson coached.  Now that was serious football.

6-feb-2011

Change my mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Tell me that all is right in the world. For some reason I feel really suicidal and I just can’t help thinking things will be better with me gone. I am hearing John Berry’s change my mind…say you couldn’t live without me, that you’re crazy about me. I guess everyone wants to be wanted and maybe that is what triggers a suicidal attack for me. I want to know that I matter to someone anyone and when I don’t have that connection, I feel lost and maybe lonely of this feeling I can’t describe.
So I’m staring at a bottle of crown royal and thinking maybe I’ll just get drunk, drunk enough to numb the pain of this feeling. If not I guess I just go ahead with my thoughts in the sewer. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. It’s like the bad feelings have been unleashed and I am trying to stay afloat but they keep weighing me down. Maybe I’ll just go to sleep and tomorrow won’t be as bad as what I’m feeling right now. Maybe then I will have changed my mind…

writings at starbucks 16-Jan-11

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I had an annoying day today. Day started off with me having problems writing my “review” for the book about therapeutic alliance and suicidal patients. I couldn’t get Endnote to work with word 2007 and then when I thought I had it all worked out, it didn’t so I had to uninstall-reinstall everything for it to work.  Then when I typed up the damn paper, it sounded stupid so I left it with the 2 paragraphs. I was going to work on it when I got home from work, but the more I thought about it being stupid, the more I figured why bother finishing it.

After I left a dialysis site, I got hit with psychache really bad and started crying. Last night’s episode of CSI NY really got to me. So much so, I really didn’t see the ending, though I am sure they had some public announcement about seeking help for suicide and depression. I just really want to die. I just can’t face living anymore.  I leaked again today and I can’t figure out why seeing as I take CNS depressants that would cause retention.  I got a lot of reasons for dying, not too many for living, though today I was talking with a good friend and she wanted me to live with her for a while because she felt so bad and wanted to help.  I don’t think I can because I hate imposing on someone or them “watching” me because I am a suicidal risk. And I know my friend, she WILL watch me, not like I will do anything in her home, but she will look out for me.  Maybe it will be better than being in the hospital, I don’t know.  All I do know is that my heart is so heavy it’s at my feet.  My doc wants to meet with me on Monday in the ER where I work. I told her I will see her only if she promises not to commit me. But I know it’s going to be the same story. I go in, maybe cry because I don’t know what else to do, and I leave, no scripts just a pat on the back maybe and see you in a week, call me if you want to go in the hospital.  We both know that there isn’t a new or old medication that can help. I have been on them all. TCA’s, SSRi’s, NSRI, NRI’s, mood stabilizers, you name it, I have been on it. Only exception is effexor and that is only because my stomach cannot handle it with the GERD.  I feel completely hopeless because I know I am hopeless. But I do what everyone else wants me to do…appear to be happy and work. I just go to work because it takes my mind of things and I work to keep my mind off things, putting in long hours.  I don’t have a social life, never really wanted one.  I don’t really want to be in a relationship because it would be too much of a burden on them.

I am forced to live when I don’t want to. Ok, technically no one is really forcing me by holding a gun to my head but the “guilt” is what sometimes prevents me from going ahead with the half dozen plans that I have in my head.  I realized in the last few weeks that I need my therapist in my life if only to keep me alive. I don’t want to see her, I want things to end between us yet I know that if I don’t have her in my life, I am as good as dead. It’s like the Zac Brown Band’s song, whatever it is: she got whatever it is that somehow keeps the demons at bay.

killer bees, 10-dec-10

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

The past three days I have been thinking about what to write on here.  My topic was going to be about the killer bees and how they always seem to come out when I want to go to sleep.  The bees aren’t real. It is just this buzzing sensation I get because of the nerve damaged caused by a disc fragment in my spinal nerves.  I have been living with this condition, called Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES for short), for the past 9 ½ years. I actually got it twice. The second time was in 2006. I had it easier the second time around because I knew what to look for and how to get the proper care as well as what I knew to expect.  That helps big time as the first go round didn’t go well.  I was only 25 yrs old when I got it. My leg gave way one night, 12 hrs after seeing my chiropractor and got worse in the next 72+ hrs since then.  I had seen a doc the Monday as I could barely put any weight on my left leg and all the doc did was give me pain meds and a pain shot. He didn’t tell me about warning signs or nothing.  A couple days later I was to have an appointment with my psychiatrist, but by then the damage had spread to my right leg and I could feel my toes on either foot. I had foot drop in both, but the worse was my left where most of the damage was. I couldn’t walk at all.  She wanted me to call an ambulance right away but because of the current detours, I couldn’t be 100% sure I would end up at MGH so I decided to wait for my friend to come home and take me.  I was at her house anyway and didn’t have the key to lock up, plus she had 2 dogs so I didn’t want to leave the house open to them or have an incident where they attacked the EMT’s.  I know I added more time to the clock, but I didn’t want to go to some rinky dink hospital and then be forced to go to MGH in worse condition.  All this time, I just thought I needed some good PT and pain meds and I would be good as new. I couldn’t be more wrong.  Soon after I had my MRI (after being in the ER 12+ hrs and being up for 24), the radiology tech’s face was ghastly.  He said that I shouldn’t move.  I wanted to tell him, “buddy, if I could walk, do you really think I would be in this wheelchair???”  3 hrs later I was in the OR. My L4-L5 disc had ruptured. It was the size of an almond compressing my cauda equina nerves.   It took me a week just to wiggle my toes a little bit.  I had to learn how to walk again, which is probably fine if you are a kid. You can fall easily and not worry about doing damage. If I fell, I was afraid I was u going to end up back in the OR.  I had to wear orthotics called AFO’s to keep my feet where they were supposed to be while walking.  I had a long recovery.  In 3 months I was using just a cane to get around. I still have the walker.  I hope it continues to collect dust but you never know.  I was still having back pain all throughout this.  It wasn’t until my doc put me on oxycontin that I really got better.  I am off it now for reasons I won’t go into, but it really saved my life. I doubt I would be able to work 40+ hrs a week now if I hadn’t been on it. It helped me heal and push through the pain so I could get well.

Six months into recovery, the nerve pain started.  My foot and left side of my leg from the outside burned something fierce. This lead to another wonderful med, Neurontin or gabapentin as its generic name is known.  Some people cannot tolerate this med and have had bad side effects. My system loved it and it has worked wonderfully.  With a high dose at night, I was almost pain free most of the day. Now, not so much.  I never thought much about the difference between brand name and generic, but with this med, there is a huge difference.  Once dose is usually all I need (on brand name). Generic I need a slightly higher dose to get me the same relief.  But the one thing it doesn’t change is my sleep.  This nerve pain is not something to mess with.  I have some nights where not even the bed sheets can touch me. Other nights, just before drifting off, the deep pins and stabbing begins, jolting me upright.  It drives me crazy because unless I take the gaba, I will be in pain. The side effect is that it takes me a long time to wake up after dosing. Sometimes I need at least 10-12 hrs of sleep to sleep it off or my brain is just foggy.  With my job, I need to be able to be places early in the morning so I can’t take it every night like I need to. Plus with me taking it with my other meds, it really knocks me out.

I have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts over the past few years. I have written so many wills and good bye letters that I know one day I will just end my life. Most of it is because of this pain I deal with every day and I’m not really talking about the physical pain. Mental pain is with me every day, every second. There is no escaping from it and there is no drug I can take to relieve it. I have a high pain tolerance. I just realized over the past few days that because I take ativan, I don’t seem to get the recurrent thoughts of suicide in my head as much. I think most of it is because of my physical pain caused by CES and the downfalls of having to keep track of things that no other “normal” person would think of, stressing me more than I realize.  How many people do think when the last time they urinated or had a bowel movement. If I don’t keep track it could be a week before I had a BM or significant long hrs since my last void that I am going to have an accident or a leak, well mostly a leak. I only had one accident and it was my fault as I should have gone to the bathroom before going home but I thought I would make it and I didn’t. Now I know that I can’t ignore those signals anymore and it stresses me out.

Working long hours and days does help with the depression. It keeps the thoughts out that lead to planning and contemplating when I will and how I will kill myself. I know that I will someday and have already begun to do so. Maybe this will be my last writing before I die to tell you what really goes through the suicidal mind up until death.