midnightdemons7

Somewhere I belong

There was a windy snow storm last night. I was up by the wind and the terrible drops of snow that were loud and scary. My room became wicked cold. I slept a little bit. I heard my med alarm go off but I didn’t get up. I stayed in bed for a few more hours. I got up and took my meds and then used the bathroom. I made coffee. My sister texted me asking if I wanted coffee and I went down once it was finished making it. I wish I didn’t go downstairs as all she did was complain about how I don’t do anything and I should be pitching in more to help my sister. She went as far as to ask my doctors to get more “stamina” to do housework. So I was already feeling low and now felt worse. I went back upstairs to make another cup of coffee.

My other sister was in the kitchen cooking something or cleaning. I don’t remember. We discussed what we needed for paper goods for the house. I usually buy them and she buys soaps and stuff. I made another cup of coffee. I wanted something to eat but I didn’t know what I wanted. My sister was making lentil soup and sausage stuffing.  I finished my coffee and then went to my room.

I did my meds for the week. I had to make a few refills. I also asked my psychiatrist for 90 days supply of my psych meds because I am not sure what is going to happy now that the worm man is in charge. My mood kept going from depressed to suicidal and back. I kept playing my game to distract. After I did my meds, I had something to eat. I made mac and cheese and had some stuffing. It was spicy as my sister used hot sausages. I don’t know which food annoyed my gallbladder but I am hurting right now. I was doing so well that last couple of weeks. I just don’t know what to do about it other than to lie down.

I read my book and OMG it talks about transformation and stuff. He had prefaced that the author was lesbian although was definitely not open given the times and she uses the word “queer” a lot. The character in the book, a 12 year old girl, wants to be validated and recognized so talks about her big brother’s wedding and how she is going to leave the town to anyone who would listen to her. Then she meets this soldier and I got a weird feeling but it was harmless. I still need to read another 20 pages but damn it makes my head hurt as it is so boring and there isn’t any space between the writing, it just goes on and on.

I have been on and off planning suicide plans. I won’t do anything this semester. Least I hope I won’t. I know where the stuff is but I don’t know where it is so that is a good thing. I might mention it to my therapist this week when I see her but she doesn’t do a good suicide risk assessment. She hasn’t asked me anything since bringing up Shneidman’s work. Fuck. I just saw a post about FAFSA (federal financial aid) and they are really taking it away from transgender students. I just don’t remember if I put male or trans on my form and I don’t think I can edit it. I am freaking out right now. I feel like my identity as an academic is being attacked as well as a person. I am not in good head space right now.

Saturday Blog 15022025

I slept late today. I spent all day yesterday in bed. I only got up to use the bathroom or eat. I didn’t do a damn thing. I didn’t sleep well last night. I had some weird dreams. One was of me being in class and I kept farting really loud and I was so embarrassed. I have a hard time telling if my farts smell or not so I was hoping I wasn’t stinking up the class.

I had a couple cups of coffee and some Oreo goldens. They are my favorite cookie. There was some dark chocolate cookies near my area but I didn’t know whose they were. I think I am going to have ramen today. It’s too late to roast potatoes. I bought some red potatoes on my last grocery order. It’s my favorite kind of potato.

I need to read my book today. I need to shower. I set an alarm for me to take one in case I forget. I meant to take one yesterday but I was too tired. I didn’t even shave. I shaved today and brushed my teeth.

I met my niece for a few minutes. I haven’t seen her in more than a week. I just got her wedding pictures. They are so good. I really love the ones with my sisters and my aunt. I need to go to Urgent care one of these days. I think I have a urine infection. I keep getting bladder cramps and my urine is cloudy. My pcp doesn’t have an opening until Fri and that will be too late. I was going to go today but it’s kind of late and I don’t feel like getting dressed. I might go Monday. I wish there was one close to me but there isn’t. They closed the one that was here. Monday is a holiday but the schedule looks like a Saturday schedule. There is also shuttle buses on the orange line. Ugh. Maybe I will wait till Wednesday.

I just got my financial aid package, finally. On it, it said that I am a senior! I am so happy. I really didn’t know what class I was in because I had the credits but landed somewhere between a junior and a senior. I can finally take that history of psychology class. I don’t know if I will take it over the summer or just the fall. I don’t know what classes I am taking in the fall, yet. I know one of them has to be a 400 level because I need to take one.

Another sleepless night

I had a few hours sleep and then I sort of woke up and was snoozing. I had some strange dream with my mother and people I have been watching on facebook. Then I heard a cat scream really loud and it woke me up. This was around 3am and I have been up since. I have been playing my game. It’s been fun.

I had a hard day yesterday. The National Park Service took down all mention of trans history on their website. I am so upset. My friend isn’t understanding what this means and she thinks I can stop it. It is out of my hands at the moment. I don’t even know how to get it back on the website.

I have an earache and my bladder has been cramping the past few days. I don’t know why. I am congested so I might have fluid in my ear. My urine has been on and off being cloudy. I don’t have any other symptoms. I do feel run down but it could be the depression making me feel this way.

I have a meeting with my DMH worker today. I haven’t decided if I want to meet in person or have a phone call. My niece just gave me pics of her wedding and I want to share them with her so I might go in person. It is coming on a year that I have known her. She has been such a good support for me.

I didn’t go to class yesterday. I just couldn’t get out of bed. It was cold and rainy so I didn’t want to leave the house. It was also windy so I know it would be bitter cold. My room was cold most of the day because of the wind. I did my Italian. I haven’t read the English book yet. It is just so dull. I read the notes the professor put up and I am like, I am not getting those vibes from this book. I haven’t really analyzed it too much yet. The extra credit for this class is going to be tough because you need to write notes and having it be substantial and a page or more long. It’s going to be tough.

I need to shave and shower today. I am letting my hair grow a little longer before I cut it off again. It just got too long to shave and I didn’t feel like dealing with it. I can’t make up my mind whether I like it buzz short or shaved. I go back and forth.

My favorite country artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter, is coming to Boston in Sept and I really want to see her. I don’t know how much tickets are. They go on sale today. I hope I can afford them. It would be wonderful to see her again.