midnightdemons7

I had a good sleep. I woke up to pee and then I checked my messages. The professor was snowed in so class was going to be on zoom. I took my meds then went back to sleep. I was to have coffee with my sister so I got up around 1130. I made my coffee and went downstairs. I ordered Chinese food. I was craving it. My sister and I talked about what to do for Christmas dinner. Then she told me about her job. She is still getting used to the office and her staff is getting used to her. She is their boss now. My food came so I went upstairs to eat.

After eating i went up to my room as it was close to class time. My mouth felt funny. I was hoping it was just due to spices. I left class a few minutes early to call the restaurant to make sure they didn’t use ginger. They didn’t. I needed a paper for extra credit so I went on Pubmed and looked. I got an idea in class. I found a paper and sent it to the professor. Unfortunately it wasn’t an experimental paper so I couldn’t use it. I searched for something different and I found something I could use. I will do it this weekend.

I’ve been in a funk all day. I just want to sleep. I keep thinking about my mother. The stress of the holiday always makes me depressed and my birthday brings me down. I wish I could count on my sisters to respect my wishes when I tell them I don’t want to do anything but they don’t.

I hurt my back coming up the stairs. No idea WTF I did. I just pulled a muscle. It’s one that has been bothering me for a while now. Went away for a bit but now is back. Hoping some ibuprofen takes care of it. I need to go out tomorrow to see my DMH worker. Then I need to do school work. I have a busy week next week and it’s the last week of classes. Then the semester will be over.

Rats

I got up before my appointment. My laptop behaved. I didn’t have time for coffee so I just logged on for my appointment. I had some questionnaires to do. After the appointment, I got dressed to go to Starbucks. I was a bit early for the bus so waited a bit. It was cold out so I didn’t want to freeze.

As I was walking through the lot, I stepped on something and when I looked to see what it was, it was a dead rat. I was skeeved out. I went to the bus stop and waited for the bus stop. The city has a damn rat problem they aren’t taking care of.

I went to Starbucks. It was good. I had some egg bites and a mocha. After I ate, I headed to class. I put bought a Tpass for the month. I figure with all the bus and trains I will be taking it will be worth it. Class was a drag. But there are only like three classes left.

I came home and I was tired, too tired to cook so I ordered food. I ordered McD’s because McRib is back. I love this so much. Tomorrow I will make the sloppy Joe’s. I will have more time. I I have been in a little funk. I miss my mother. I wanted to call her on the way home but obviously I can’t do that. Then I thought about the last month of her life and I remember her calling me “son” and it confusing the hell out of me. It just hurts so much and I will never know how she really felt about me because she died after my surgery.

I got such a headache. I am trying to focus on my feelings but I am so tired right now. Grief is so complicated with her. And now I have to go over it again with a new therapist. And I see her in the early morning when I am not really awake. I’ll have to come up with some system to remind me what to talk about in session. Otherwise, I’ll just be twittling my thumbs.

I wonder if I ever cross your mind

I woke up to pee before my alarms went off. I took my meds and then had some coffee. Then I brushed my teeth and checked the bus schedule. I had some time before I had to leave the house. I was kind of nervous. It was wicked cold this morning so I debated wearing layers. In the end, I decided just to wear my plaid shirt and my jacket and I am glad because by the time I walked to the bus stop, I was sweating.

I got to my hometown in like half an hour. I waited for the bus. I was still early. Around ten, the therapist called my name. She was young. We went to her office. We talked and went over things. I basically told her that after my top surgery and my mother’s death, I just shut down. I don’t feel anything. The only time I feel anything is if it is in extremes and even then, it is briefly. I am glad I discovered this. I don’t really know what to do about it. Maybe in time I can feel again. I see her next week.

I went home after. I got a headache when I came home. I had something to eat. I was really hungry. I remembered to take out the ground beef for the Manwich. I will make it tomorrow after class. I tried taking notes and my brain freaked out. There is a handout on learning and memory which is a review for me as I took it last semester. But I can’t do anything with this damn headache right now. I have been trying to think of something for this paper but I got nothing. It feels like someone is hitting me in the back of my head right now so it is hard to concentrate. I just got an email from the psych department for course evaluation. I won’t fill it out today. I really like this professor. The only complaint I have is she can be a little ADHD in class. She is better in zoom than she is in person. She has made it fun learning but her exams suck. I really don’t feel like I have learned anything when it comes to the exams. I feel dumb.

I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I have a busy week. I have to remember to put some money on my Tpass tomorrow. I also got to put funds on my Starbucks account. I wish my hometown had a Starbucks. They do, but it’s not near where my therapist is. It’s on the other side of town, almost on the edge of another city. Least it was. I don’t know if it still is. I haven’t been on that end of the highway in a long time. I went by my elementary school today and there was construction. I don’t know what they are doing to it. I asked the community page if anyone knew. The firehouse is still there. I love my hometown so much. I am glad to be there, even if it is once a week.