midnightdemons7

Lunch with my aunt

I got up early so I could have some coffee before my aunt picked me up for lunch. We went to one restaurant that is a family favorite but they weren’t open yet so we went to another place. I had steak and turf. It was ok. The steak was fatty so I didn’t really enjoy it. The shrimp was good though. My aunt had pasta with shrimp. She liked it. Afterwards she took me to stop and shop so I could get a few things. I just came home and I was tired. I woke up again around 2-230 and stayed up for a couple of hours before going back to sleep.

I am feeling ok. Last night I watched the country music awards. It was a good show. I was so happy I was crying. It was so good seeing the artists that I only knew on the radio. Lainey Wilson and Ashley McBride along with Jason Aldean are albums I need to get when I get paid next. Ashley performed a song called Bonfire at Tina’s and omg it was awesome seeing it live. My favorite song from Cole Swindell won. It is based on a Jo Dee Messina song that I love. I was so damn happy he won two awards for the song.

It is wicked warm in my room so I have my T shirt off and I am just wearing the stupid binder. No one has responded to my message about it yet. I hate wearing it. I had a hard time getting comfortable last night to sleep. It took a while to get to sleep. The award show was over around 2200. I checked my Twitter and stuff before turning in but I still had a hard time sleeping. Luckily my foot wasn’t bothering me like it was the other night. I finally have PT for it. I probably will have an appointment Monday.

I need to go to the Square to pick up my meds. I think I will do that tomorrow. I am kind of tired and don’t feel like going out again. My nephew sent a pic of my mother where she actually smiled for the camera. I wish I could hug her one more time. I still have the memories of her abusing me. I wish I could tell her how I felt then that I was a boy when she started to “exam” my breasts when one was bigger than the other. She still took me to the doctors and I had to see a surgeon. At age 13. I wanted the damn things off not reduced. But I stayed quiet. No one asked how I felt about being a girl. I think I would have been happier had someone asked and then I could have transitioned sooner than at age 42. Now that I am transitioned at 47, I can’t share this with her.

It’s going to be a difficult weekend. Just hope I make it through ok.

Things I should have done but didn’t today

Since getting my birth certificate amended, I haven’t done a thing with it. I need to go to the social security office and have my sex changed and call my former employer so I can get it changed on my health insurance. Problem is that I don’t know who to call for my former employer. I have a thing come in with the payment for my health insurance that says contact your leave coordinator but I don’t know if I have one as I am disabled. I am phone phobic and would like to just email someone but don’t know who. So I have stayed home rather than go to the social security office and made no phone calls. I also haven’t called PT to make an appointment. Someone was supposed to call me back and they haven’t yet. I am so fricken sad today that I just want to sleep. But I kept on having weird dreams so I got up.

I have been sending my cousin, who is a coffee drinker like me, a lot of funny coffee memes. I get them from Facebook and today they have been on fire. I have saved so many and sent like three to her. I have had three cups of coffee today and plan on having one more before the game tonight. Makes up for yesterday. I only had one cup yesterday and was in bed by 2030.

I want to work on my book today. I plan on writing about the top surgery process I went through. I meant to write it while I was recuperating after surgery but things got urgent with my mother dying a week post op. The binder today is testing my patience. I want to take it off so bad but I don’t want fluid to accumulate. I took an hour break and now I am fighting myself with putting it back on because my back is so fricken itchy. Eventually, I will write about all of this in my book.

I woke up really sad today. I’ve tried to push through it. I wanted to nap but couldn’t. I’ve done nothing productive today. I did make a cheeseburger for my lunch. I haven’t eaten anything else. It is getting late so I probably will just have an Ensure when I take my night meds. I am out of my supplements so it is just the Latuda and senna that I have been taking. I hope I can stay awake for the game tonight. Bello is pitching. It can be a really good pitcher’s duel or a slug fest. All depends on if he has his stuff. We lost last night and I wasn’t happy. Pivetta sucks so bad. I am glad I didn’t hear more than what I did the first inning of the game. It was an awful start to the game.