midnightdemons7

Just an annoying day

The heat really got to me and stayed with me, causing me to be annoyed most of the day. Therapy was wicked hard. She didn’t trust me to be safe with having the key and the lock box in the same room. So I told her I would separate it. She wanted proof that I had done so. Christ. This is the first time a therapist wouldn’t take my word that I would be safe. It was such a hard session. We spent most of the time talking about safety. She is really worried about me. She jokingly (or maybe seriously, I don’t know) said that I could report her for being mean. I said ya, that would go well. Therapist wants client to be safe so client reports therapist for doing her job. That would go over well. Before we ended, she wanted to know what the code word was. That was when I knew she was really worried about me.

My meeting with my pcp didn’t go too well. She said the insurance company was hounding her for a peer to peer review but wasn’t being forthright with her about what it entailed. Apparently what they told my pcp and what they told me was different stories. So there may be a problem filling the prescription this month, again. I met my new PCP and she seems nice. She talks wicked fast so I know she is from Boston. My pcp wants an MRI of the back and I got it today as there was an opening at the new imaging center in my town. It was so convenient even though trying to get a cab was difficult. They are saying I owe them $20. I have to look into why because I’ve only used the vouchers to get to where I am going. She also said that eventually she wants me off the opioids and on to something else. That isn’t going to happen. I am not going to be on methadone. I don’t care. I will die before that happens. Right now my pain is controlled and that is all I care about. Besides this will be an issue for my new PCP as she will be gone. I hope the new pcp isn’t going to be thinking about changing my meds. I really don’t want to and it will kill me if it does. My pcp was also saying that if the MRI was negative she would want me to be evaluated for MS. I am fine with that as long as I don’t have to get a spinal tap. Cause that is a NO.

I told all this stuff to my therapist. I felt like I gave her the laundry list of things why I was annoyed today. I guess that played a part of the reason why my suicidality was high. Just makes me mad that she didn’t trust me with my own devices. She was insistent that I be safe and separating the key from the lock box was the way to be safe. I am so annoyed. In baseball, I found that in addition to them trading my second husband, they designated for assignment my favorite outfielder. I am so damn mad at this. To lose two of my favorite players in one week is so tough.

I am really sleepy. I went to bed around 1930 only to wake up a little after 2200. I didn’t look at the time when I got up so when I saw my mother in the kitchen, I thought something was wrong. I wanted to write this blog before I went to bed. It is technically my 160^th post that I have done consecutively. Gonna have a few dates and then go to bed.

Up early today

I woke up 0644 to pee and I decided to stay up. I took my meds and then went downstairs to have breakfast. My mother was already up making hers. We had breakfast together. I had oatmeal and a yogurt. She had poached egg and toast. Both of us had coffee, though different kinds. She likes the instant (blah) and I like my Starbucks. I had bought a 96 count K-pod that I thought was just House blend but it turned out to be an assortment of House blend, breakfast, Pike, and Columbian. I had Pike today. It is one of my favorites. My top favorite is House blend.

I had a difficult night. I woke up around midnight with reflux. I had acid in my throat. I tried settling it down but the damage had been done. My throat is now irritated from it. I kept waking up to clear my throat or go pee as I was drinking to try and get the taste of the acid out of my mouth. I was also in pain with my foot. I took a dose of my BT meds. That settled it down. I finally went back to sleep a little after 5 am. I had a dream I was back in the lab and we had to do some weird testing that was complicated to log in. My sister was there and she was ordering nachos as it was her birthday. My father was there and all I remember was him saying “fringer” for finger. I woke up with him saying that over and over.

I have my pcp appointment in a couple of hours. If I feel up to it, I will create another blog about it and my therapy appointment. I am feeling tired and I still feel hopeless. I hope the coffee takes the cobwebs out of my head so I can think a little more clearly. I might need another cup.

I need to trim my goatee. I shaved sometimes during the night as I was bored and couldn’t go back to sleep. I used my electric shaver. It still had juice in it despite not being used in a few months. The battery life is really good. I have no idea what I did with the charger so I hope it doesn’t run low anytime soon. My barber had told me to get a trimmer called Andis. I looked it up on Amazon and it is almost $300. No thanks. I will stick with my Wahl. I really need to get a beard trimmer though. I found one for like 80 bucks and it also comes with a body trimmer or shaver, I forget. Might get that once I get my finances settled a little bit more.

I am one month away from finding out if my insurance will cover my top surgery. I am so looking forward to it. I am kind of scared of two things, telling my mother and post op pain. I also worry whether I will have the mobility to cath. I have a lot of hair so I wonder if they will shave me, probably. They did when I had my hysterectomy. I just hope I don’t have a breakout of acne afterwards like I did when I shaved my chest on my right side. It looked like a rash.

It is going to be a scorcher today and they already put out a heat advisory through Sunday. I just hope my mother has both ACs running or the house is going to be miserable. I worry about my pills on the porch that it will be too hot. That porch can get really disgustingly hot during the summer. I might take them back up to my room where it is cooler. Just temporarily until the heatwave has passed.

I am tired and want to nap. But I am afraid that if I do, I will get brain fog. I am glad my therapy appointment is not in the late afternoon. It is still going to be a struggle to be awake at that hour though. I will need another cup of coffee after my pcp appointment. I might make a veggie burger for lunch. I bought the “impossible” burger to try. Hope I like it.

Groceries and a webinar

I ordered groceries yesterday and they came today, a little bit later than I was expecting them. I was up most of the night because I fell asleep early so I woke up around midnight. Then I got hungry so had some granola. I also drank a bottle of Gatorade so I was going to the bathroom every two hours to empty my bladder. I gave up around 4 and fell asleep. I was having a nice dream when my alarm woke me up.

I bought a lot of food this time. Vegetables and chicken and veggie burgers. I had bought regular burgers but they were out of stock on it. I was so bummed. I also bought ice cream sandwiches because I was craving them and none of the convenient stores around here sell them. After I put things away and rested a bit downstairs, I thought I missed my therapy appointment. But it’s Wed not Thurs. Also by the time I was done, it was time for the webinar to start.

The webinar was by CAMS care which is lead by Dr. David Jobes, my idol. Today’s talk was about future thinking in suicide ideation. It is something currently being researched as it hasn’t been done before. Interesting data so far. They are working on how to apply it to clinical work. Interesting to bring up to my therapist tomorrow.

After the webinar, I was pooped so tried to take a nap. Within twenty minutes, my damn ankle went berserk. It felt like a knife was going through it. It was hard to move, to sit up to take my meds. I wanted to fucking die and honestly thought it would be better to just end it. On my therapist’s request, I moved my lethal means away from room. I have thought about retrieving it. I want to act on my feelings. I feel so worthless.

Tomorrow I see my pcp for a private issue. Treatment hasn’t worked so I feel hopeless. I’ll probably have to have a MRI done just to check my nerves. I doubt they will find anything as it is very specific nerves we are talking about. Sucks she will be leaving the end of the month. I don’t know who my new PCP will be until then. Sucks. It will be the 4^th pcp in 5 years.

What is beyond tired?

I had a good sleep last night. I woke up around 7 to pee, took my meds, then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I brushed my teeth and then had coffee. Now I feel like I can go back to bed again.

Omg hardest therapy session I’ve ever had. She agreed to do the safety planning sheet by Brown and Stanley much to my surprise. Then came the last part where it says to make environment safe. I said skip that and she said nope. Fucking fuck. We also went over boundaries about texting. She wants me to text her when I am having intense suicidal thoughts and thinking about acting on it. I tend to text her when I am feeling really hopeless and basically having a bad day so we came up with a code word to use. We then discussed ketamine and she is both for and against the use. Basically she doesn’t want me to have flashbacks and does want me to build new networks. I struggle with doing things outside of treatment so doing this is going to be hard. Now I need an Ativan and Tylenol for my anxiety and headache I have. Fucking fuck. I have a safety plan after 30 years in therapy and being suicidal.

This is what I wrote on Twitter yesterday after my appointment with my therapist. I still can’t believe she agreed to do the safety planning. It took almost all session to do. I am glad we talked about when to text her and stuff. She was really adamant about me texting her if I felt really suicidal. I asked her how am I to let her know when I am feeling suicidal and acting on it versus my usual wanting to die. So we came up with a code word. I also reluctantly moved my lethal means to another area of the house so it is not in my room. I really didn’t want to do this but she insisted.

I went to the chronic pain group today. I got a little support around pain meds needing prior authorizations. It was a good group. I might go next week.

I don’t know why I am so tired today. I slept through the night, which was unusual for me. I only woke up once. I took a nap for a couple of hours until my cath alarm went off. I feel like I could go right to sleep. I didn’t eat lunch. I have a pot pie in the oven for dinner. I haven’t had one in a while. I place my grocery order for tomorrow. I ordered a bunch of stuff including chicken breast, which was on sale. I also ordered lemons so I will make a stir fry for tomorrow night.