midnightdemons7

Saturday Blog 09082025

Other than clearing my recycle off my bed today, I have done nothing. I had two cups of coffee and a tuna sandwich. That upset my stomach for some reason. It finally went away around 7 so I could eat some dinner. I didn’t know what to have so I heated up some pancakes. I thought about making a cake but it was too late. I will try tomorrow as I need to use the blueberries before they go bad.

I had coffee with my sister. She was doing a million things. She was cooking and she washed her daughter’s hair. She dyed it so need to get the excess out. She make some artichoke bottoms that were nasty. Will never have them again. She gave me some zucchini so I will make it tomorrow. I might, if I have breadcrumbs, make the it with egg and breadcrumbs. I love it like that.

I wanted to shower today but I had no energy. I slept ok last night but it was hard getting up this morning. I didn’t get up till after 12. I have been playing my game all day. I rested while my stomach was upset. The puppy has been out with my niece all day. I miss her.

I got a voicemail from the new therapy place for my Monday appt. The website they gave me was wrong but I figured it out. I got to get up early. I am hoping I can have at least one cup of coffee before the appt so my brain is somewhat awake. I bought the single “Ordinary” by Alex Warren. Luke Combs had him on his show in Chicago and omg I fell in love with this song. I also bought Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new album and I absolutely love it. I think it is her best work in years. It makes me want to see her all the more. I think I am going to say fuck it and get tickets with my next check. I haven’t seen her in a while. She comes to Boston almost every year. Some times she goes to the Cape but I can’t see her then because I don’t have a car. I really love her. She is the only artist I have seen more than three times. I think I have seen her like six times or more. Sugarland comes in second. I’ve seen them four times.

I woke up a few minutes before my med alarm to pee. I took my meds and gave my shot of the new drug. I didn’t feel it. I had no side effects but I was still tired so went back to sleep. I woke up about 20 minutes before therapy. Shit. No time for coffee.

Therapy was a waste of time. We talked in circles, avoiding the fact I nearly attempted the other night. I told her how bad I was feeling. I felt like she wasn’t hearing me at all. We didn’t bring up the issues from last week. Monday I see a new therapist. I’m kind of nervous. It’s at dawn (9am). I am not sure if I will be able to have the appt on my laptop. I really don’t want to have it on my phone.

I took a nap after I had some coffee and shaved my head. I had cereal for dinner. I really wanted a salad but I don’t have it. I’ll pick some up on Monday. So far I am not having any side effects. Hope it stays that way.

I got out of the house today

After a disastrous night last night, my cousin took me out grocery shopping today. I didn’t have enough money to get all that I wanted but got what I could. I had to pay the copay for the weight loss drug because YAY it got approved on appeal. I start taking it tomorrow.

After the grocery store, I wanted a latte so I went to Starbucks before I went to the pharmacy. I had something to eat as I didn’t have breakfast. I didn’t sleep last night. I maybe got a few hours in the morning before my alarm went off. It was so hard getting up and I felt like complete shit. I was still feeling depressed. It was hot out but not humid, thank god. I was still sweating as I was walking to the bus stop. My legs felt wobbly as I haven’t been out of the house in more than a week. But it felt good to be out. If I didn’t feel so tired when I came home, I would have taken the puppy for a walk.

I have therapy tomorrow so I hope I get some sleep. The latte energized me and I forgot there was no game tonight so I had 6 shots of espresso for nothing. I will just read something. Or play my game. There is an FTM meeting tonight that I might attend. It’s on zoom. I have had a slight headache all day. It started last night after the argument. I felt so suicidal last night it was so hard not to attempt again. Like everything my sister ever said came out to me. She hasn’t spoken to anyone today. Good because I don’t want to talk to her anyways.

I made a burger for supper but I didn’t cook it enough and there was a bone in it. I didn’t finish it because even though I was squishing it, it didn’t lose shape. It was pretty thick and all that meat was making me feel sick. I had so many cramps today and now my side is hurting again. I don’t know if it is muscle or my gallbladder. I have to lay down for a bit until it stops hurting.

Still haven’t done anything

I forced myself out of bed around noon time. I didn’t want to get up. I have been feeling low the past few days, some with suicidal thoughts. I got up and checked on the puppy and then had my coffee with some pancakes. I needed to shave my head. After I had two cups of coffee and played with my phone for a bit, I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I felt like shit and didn’t want to shave but if I didn’t I would have wait another month for my hair to grow out and I didn’t want to. I started to shave and without meaning to, I shaved my beard. I guess I am growing a goatee now.

I thought about taking a nap. I haven’t done anything to my room. I need to take the recycling out as tomorrow is trash day. My allergies are berserk right now. I keep sneezing and I am all stuffy.

I took the recycling out. I had to make two trips down and up the stairs. The puppy saw it as an opportunity to pee and shit in the kitchen. I feel bad. I would have taken her for a walk but she didn’t have her collar on and every time I try to put it on, she runs away from me. Bitch sister came home around this time and we had an argument. I feel like dogshit that was on the floor. She said I can’t take care of the dog because I can’t walk her. I feel so upset. I am thinking about counting pills out. I want to cry. I got a huge headache. I hate this stress she puts me in.

My side is hurting me again. I think I inflamed my gallbladder with the leftover Chinese food I ate. Every day I have some kind of pain. I hate it.