stuck in my depressiveness

I am stuck in my depressiveness. I cannot seem to find joy. I am listening to the ball game which usually cheers me up but not today. My team is losing but I could care less. I just took a shower because I needed to. It has been days since my last one. I just can’t get ahead of it.

One of my friends on FB just posted that I should “hang in there”. I hate when people say that, especially when you think about hanging yourself. I don’t know why I feel so low. My thinking is in reverse gear so I am not thinking as fast as I normally do. I hate when this happens. I find it hard to do anything.

Another friend of mine wanted advice on how to help someone who is feeling suicidal. She is a bubbly person, always positive despite her own difficulties. I told her to listen to him. To hear his story as difficult as it might be. That is all that someone wants is to be heard, to have a sympathetic, empathetic ear.

I posted, again, on my Facebook status that I feel depressed. Again I got the usual bullshit answers. What do you say to someone that is feeling depressed? Certainly not keep your chin up! Or things like it could be worse! I once had my sister tell me at least I don’t have cancer. WTF…really? You have to go there? No at least with cancer there is an end. Depression has no end unless you end it.

Today, Sept 8th starts the beginning of suicide prevention week. I remember I tried to organize something for the psychology department the first week of school but it was difficult as I was the only one and in the end it proved to be too difficult and challenging. So this week, I have changed my profile picture on twitter and Facebook to the Suicide ribbon. I got it from the AAS (American Association of Suicidology) website.

I still feel pretty down and feel like I should write about it. I know this is my second blog of the day. But I wanted people to know that when someone says they are depressed, don’t tell them to cheer up and say that it could be worse. This does not help the person at all. Tell them you are sorry they feel that way and offer to help them through their day. They might need someone to let off steam to about whatever their problem might be, even if you think it is insignificant, it means the world to that person.

I think I am bummed out because I can’t use my new laptop and have to use my old one. I am anxious because I never know when the blue screen of death will occur or when the screen decides to get all funky just by adjusting it. I can’t watch movies on this laptop because I don’t have software on it to play it, though I supposed I could use windows media player if I had to. I just don’t want the laptop to overheat and it gets hot after an hour’s use. Longer than that and I will start having problems. Oh the joy of technology. And the thing that really bothers me about the new laptop, which I had already reformatted, it will not load the updates that are important. I have tried several times and it just won’t load. I think I need a new hard drive. But this is an old model and I don’t think it will solve anything. I don’t think I can get a bigger hard drive anyways.

I hate feeling down all the time. Usually something will help me and I will get out of it. But today, that doesn’t seem to be the case. And you know something? I don’t care. If I am depressed so be it. It’s not the end of the world. I have been depressed most of my life and why should this day be any different. I just expressed myself on my status and someone questioned it. Don’t like it, unfriend me! Nothing is keeping you from being my friend if you don’t like my language. I really don’t care. I am tired of trying to please everyone all the damn time.