still under black clouds

I slept for about six hours today. I picked up my niece and now I am totally spent. My ankle is really hurting me like I knew it would and it is getting less likely that I will be seeing my therapist in person this week. I really wanted to see her but I don’t think it is possible.

I sent my therapist the last blog post I wrote. She said it was eloquently put. I asked again if I could kill myself and she said no, of course. I asked her if she got how much pain I was in. She said I was going through grief and that it will pass. I don’t think it will this time. I think I have seen the last of my days.

I am cold and exhausted. The temp has dropped to the 40’s and I still have the AC in my window so my room is cold. I have extra clothing on and socks on my feet but then my feet are usually always cold to some degree. What really sucks is that the Sox game isn’t for another two hours or so and I know I am too tired to wait for it. I might go to bed early tonight, like around seven. I just am in a lot of pain and can’t stand to being around me right now.

My therapist asked about why I have been ignoring my pain. She called it dissociative something. Great another diagnosis. I have to ignore it or it just becomes unbearable and I get suicidal. It doesn’t always work but I try not to feel it all the time. It will drive me crazy all the time if I let it.

I’m back using my old laptop. The nice thing is that it keeps me warm as it heats up pretty quick. I got to save all my blogs now on my hard drive or in a folder that I can just copy everything. The box for my baby came today. I guess tomorrow I will call FedEx to come pick it up or will wait till my sister comes home tomorrow if I don’t get up early enough to take it to see my therapist. I really hope nothing is seriously wrong with my laptop because it will just suck. I am just lucky that it is still under warranty so might as well get it fixed. I would hate to keep hearing the high pitch whine and then it totally stop working.

I didn’t write anything for the project that I am working on. It’s kind of a secret project that I hope will pan out. But I don’t know when and if it will definitely will. So I rather just call it a project and not say what it is in case it doesn’t pan out the way I hope it does.

I still feel under black clouds, though the weight on my chest is a little better than it was last night. I was able to walk a little farther today to pick up my niece, even though it hurt to do so. But I got to keep using my feet. Just wish my mood will change.