I don’t know what to say. I have been up since seven and my thoughts keep swirling around above me. I keep thinking about food because I am hungry. I had a sub before going to bed last night. Today I am treating myself to a burrito and going out to a Thai restaurant with a friend. I can’t decide if I want pad Thai or their drunken chicken. Maybe I will have both and whatever I don’t finish, I will take home. It has been so long since I have had either.
I am kind of feeling like I am in a hopeful mood. I feel good but I am also tired. I had only seven hours of sleep, well, six and a half. I was up for twenty hours yesterday. You would have thought I would have slept longer but no, can’t be. I am in pain so I took a pain pill. I don’t want to take too much because I have to go to the bank today for my mother and then go to my doctor’s appointment. I am going to have her sign her book that I read. I will be writing a review, but not here. It will be on Amazon and Goodreads. Thing is, I am not sure what to say. The book was very interesting but sad. You wouldn’t think kids have mental issues before the age of 10 but they do and then the only way to deal with it, mostly, is by hospitalizing them. I don’t know if that really helps them or not and neither do the authors. Because once they step out of their door, they really have no idea what happens to these children.
I got a few weird comments on one of my disabled blog. I still have no idea what this person was trying to say but I “approved” it none the less. I think it is important to have different perspective of comments for my blog. Everyone’s opinion is valid, no matter how whacky it might seem.
My editor wrote back to me late last night. She loved what I sent her and can’t wait to work with me! That is a load off my mind! I guess that is why I am feeling giddy today. I feel like this book somewhat has the power to move people. I hope that she can move me up on queue, but I know that it might not be likely as I have not paid her in full yet.
I am still struggling with my depression. I know I said I feel hopeful before but my heart still feels heavy. It feels like it is bleeding and no matter how much I try, I just can’t stop the bleeding. I don’t know when this started. And because I am losing blood (metaphorically), I feel weak and tired all the time. No one will know this because I don’t act depressed. I have learned to live with it for so long that no one sees the real me. As long as I am able to put a smile on my face, everyone assumes I am fine and “happy”. I just can’t get out of this rut that I am in. I have people to see today and I know that I should be able to see them as I will just brush my feelings aside and not deal with them. Because if I do deal with them, I won’t leave the house. I realized the reason why I feel so hungry all the time. It is because I am always “dieting” in my head about eating less. I don’t eat more. But I don’t eat healthy and so I feel deprived of food. I know that what I eat is not the healthiest but it makes me happy. Eating a cheeseburger with bacon and avocados is yummy but not healthy. So I will just have that for the day. I won’t eat anything else. Today I will hopefully have my burrito with sour cream and guacamole. It is what I like. And the Thai food I hope I will have room for. But if not, I know that I can always take it home so that is not a big deal. It is just the idea of not eating that makes more hungry than not. I know I need to lose weight but my weight has been stable. I have been stuck at the same number no matter what I do or don’t eat. It’s really hard to lose weight when you can easily pack it on. I am self conscious about it because I know I am overweight, I always have been. But I hate myself because I am. It makes me depressed. It gives me low energy. I don’t have motivation. Most of the time all I want to do is stay in my bed.
midnightdemons7 