Seems I have fallen into another depression. It came on early this week and yesterday I slept all day, all without the aid of any medication. Course I was up most of the night taking pain pill after pain pill because my ankle was so bad. It got me thinking that the pain I feel physically is sometimes almost as bad as what I feel emotionally.
I see my psychiatrist on Monday evening. I wish it wasn’t a late appointment but I have nothing better to do during these days. Sure I can work on my manuscript. I actually got a couple of good reviews on it so I was thrilled my book doesn’t suck. I repeat myself a couple of times and so I will let the editor pick it out and we can sort through whether or not to keep it. Some stuff I do want to repeat because I think it’s important. On a whim, I loaded the book on the site that I will be publishing from and found that I have several formatting errors. I am like WTF! I was very upset and it kept me up most of last night. I am not good with formats so I don’t know what I am going to do. Some of the stuff gets put onto another page, others are blank pages. It is a mess. I will sort it out when I get the energy. Right now I just can’t be bothered with it. But at least I have the template for the formatting. Once all the edits are done, I will load it back to the template and figure it out from there. It will make the production longer. But oh well.
I can’t seem to be motivated today to pick up my other manuscript on my short story. I was going to publish that first but it is too short. It has to be at least twenty-four pages and so far the story is only eight, with the format. I am almost out of my Starbucks funds so I don’t want to use them. I think I have enough funds to cover me for next week anyway. I see my Primary doc Tuesday and I really don’t care what he has to say at this point. Long as he gives me my prescription for pain meds, he can say what he wants. I am not seeing another doctor for this problem. It’s like seeing a lot of doctors for my depression. They all are going to give me a diagnosis for depression so why bother seeing them. I sleep a lot, I have no energy, I eat less but don’t seem to lose weight, I lose interest in things that used to interest me. I have no sexual desire at all but then I am single so what difference does that make? I just am in hibernation mode or something. Yesterday all I had to eat was pancakes before I slept all day. I didn’t even go to the bathroom because I didn’t drink at all while I slept. I’m starting to think that my kidneys are shutting down because I am not drinking enough. Least that is my paranoia. But most doctors if they are trained in psychiatry will call this a depression. They may give me something for it but I am past that stage. No antidepressant out there is helpful for me anymore. I have been through them all. Now it’s just supportive care to get through them and it sucks. I wish I sometimes had the creative hypomanias but they are too far in between episodes. I can’t recall the last time I had an episode, it was that long ago. I get them so infrequently I don’t know why I am labeled as a Bipolar. Schizoaffective maybe, but I don’t really think I can be called bipolar.
I am tired. I have been meaning to take a nap for the last couple of hours and I have failed. I ended up watching videos on YouTube. I guess it is for the better, so that I am not waking up at three in the morning.
midnightdemons7 