why I drink

I had a frustrating day today. I installed Dragon Naturally Speaking, older version, in my old laptop and tried to work with it. I am trying this software so that I can speak and not type but it hasn’t been that easy. I then get the newer version for my new laptop as it works faster and is lighter. I hope that I can use it but I don’t have the patience right now to install. If this works out, I will be so happy.

I had a difficult session with my therapist today. She wanted to know what was behind the drinking messages I have been sending her. But I couldn’t tell her the reason. I really don’t know why I feel the urge to drink but I do know how I cope with my father is by drinking. I have been doing that since I was a teen. I found my bottle of gin and soon as my father’s doctor calls me, I will have a few sips. I know my situation is precarious because I take pain medication, but I don’t care. I don’t know how else to cope other than to drink my problem away, though I know my father is still going to be there. I wish I could drink him away but I can’t. See, when my parents separated, my father would give us nips of alcohol. We were not even close to legal drinking age but that didn’t stop him. So we drank at an early age. My favorite nip was Beefeater gin. The nip wasn’t enough to get me drunk but did give me a buzz. My mother never knew otherwise I don’t think we (my sisters and I) would see my father.

I had a therapist tell me after the first time I ever got drunk that I was an alcoholic and should start attending AA meetings. Since then, whenever I drink I watch how much I drink. I can be a binge drinker when I want to be. But I know I am not an alcoholic because I drink so infrequently. Sure I will have my drink every now and then but that will be it. Now I just feel the need to drink because I am under a great deal of stress. And who knows, maybe it will help my pain or at least make me forget about it for a while.

So I am drinking because I lost my aunt, dealing with my childish father, and can’t cope with his medical stuff on top of my own. Where is that gin bottle?