TS, PT, and anxiety

Taylor Swift day

At midnight, Taylor Swift released her fifth album, 1989. Sadly, I don’t have funds to purchase this album yet so I have been in a funk all day. I have been watching her on TV hoping she would sing a song but it’s mostly talking that she is doing, not that I mind. I love hearing about her life and how she creates her songs. She is very personable and she gives back to her fans which is a unique quality of hers. How many artists invite their fans to their living room?? None that I know of, other than Taylor. I have to wait a month to get the CD. I hope I can wait that long.

I went to physical therapy today, against my better judgment. I am hurting but not as bad as I was expecting. I probably will hurt more later when I want to go to sleep for the night. Getting there was a challenge as there was a steep hill to walk up. I was out of breath and wheezing by the time I reached the top. And I was an hour early for my appointment. There was no way I could have prevented that as I had to take two buses to get there and I wasn’t sure where I had to get off on the second bus I had to take. But now I know. I don’t know if I am going to continue with it. The guy didn’t seem to interested in caring for me. And he gave me the same damn home exercises that I always have been using the past 13 fucking years. I feel like instead of stepping ahead, I went back. I am so disappointed. And what is worse, I know that these exercises aren’t going to do anything. If they worked, I would be fine. He also thinks that I don’t have foot drop and don’t need the AFO. Idiot doesn’t know that I turn my foot when my foot gets fatigued. He had me do exercises today that really taxed me. I had to stop after a few minutes of doing them because my foot exploded in pain. He didn’t do anything more than stretch my calves and tax my foot. The guy didn’t know how to use a reflex hammer. He tried testing my knee reflexes and he kept hitting my knee cap instead of the spot below it. Moron. I still have no ankle reflexes, yay me! My sensation was off, as I knew it would be. I really don’t think that after all this time, I am going to get it back. I really think that going to physical therapy is going to be a huge waste of time if I continue to get the same exercises I have been doing for years. But we’ll see. I see the guy next week and we’ll see if things change at all. In the meantime, I have to get this pain under control.

When I came home from the appointment, I felt winded. I didn’t do any inclines at all on the way home. Everything was level while walking home. But by the time I climbed the first flight of stairs, I felt like I ran up the stairs. I was wicked out of breath and that usually never happens unless I happen to hold my breath while going up. I don’t know why I have a habit of doing that. But this time I didn’t and I was coughing and wheezing. After a few minutes of rest, the wheezing stopped but the feeling of being short of breath didn’t go away. After I climbed the second flight of stairs to my room, I realized it was anxiety so I took some Ativan. Now the feeling is gone and I am breathing normal and not feeling out of breath or short of breath. I don’t know what brought this on as I really haven’t had anything to cause me anxiety. But I have had a lot of phone calls today that I had to make and that I received. I hope it wasn’t because of the cup of coffee I had this morning. After I drank it, I felt kind of nervous. It really gave me the jitters but it settled down once I got to the bus stop on the way to PT. I thought that it was gone but something set it off. I didn’t have anything caffeinated. I didn’t even have so much as water after I had my coffee. I ate when I came home as I skipped breakfast. I made scrambled eggs with toast and drank juice with it. It’s so weird for me to have anxiety and not know it. I am usually not an anxious person. But I am glad that the feeling went away with Ativan.

I am excited that my boxes of cereal came today along with my pumpkin spice and two books. I really don’t know why I bought the books as I have started numerous ones and have yet to finish one. But one is about graveyards so I thought I would read that starting on Halloween. We’ll see if I finish it.