fatigue day

I finally mailed out my books for my review today. I really wanted to go to Starbucks today but for some reason, I was really tired. I remember reading a fellow blogger’s blog about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She wrote that she could walk up a flight of stairs and be totally winded. That was me today. I had walked only a few houses down the street when I realized I left one of the books at home. So I went back to the house. I was already feeling fatigued before leaving the house. I really didn’t want to go out today but I forced myself to. So I came home and walked up two flights of stairs to my room. I was so out of breath by the time I reached the top that I had to sit for a few minutes to catch my breath. And I was panting very heavily. I climb these stairs every day and I don’t know why I was so winded today. It was really odd. I then proceeded down the stairs, going carefully as not to knock the breath out of me again. I walked the block and half to the post office and I was just completely weak at this point. I was standing, being waited on by the postal person, and my legs started shaking. I felt like I couldn’t support myself. It was really bizarre as this has never happened before. And like the blogger, I know that if I go to the docs, they are just going to say that I am out of shape. I am more than overweight, borderline morbid obese so that is what they will say. Lose weight and I won’t have a problem. But just now, I climbed the stairs and had no difficulty. I am not terribly out of breath like I was earlier this afternoon. It is so weird how sometimes I am and other times I am not.

Other than this experience, my day went fairly well. Though I seriously have to start writing again if I want to do a second book. I formatted what I had and it came to 30 pages. Not enough to really even have a book. Thing is, I don’t know what to fucking write. I am not that creative like I was. Just writing the story of the brick wall was torture just to get it to three pages. And then I combined three blogs about my antipsychotic pill to make a few pages. That is all I got. I know there is more in me, I just can’t find it. I am so depressed lately and out of sorts that I just can’t concentrate. I need to be at Starbucks and being around people again. To take me out of my house where I can’t think and all I want to do is sleep.

My mother gave me a look when the groceries were delivered. She thinks she doesn’t buy “food”. She does, but I desperately needed my stuff that she doesn’t buy, like my teas, lemonade, steak, etc. She also doesn’t buy bottled water, which I like. I will drink tap only if I have to, but usually I will mix it with the lemonade or iced tea mix. I am kind of bummed that they were out of stock on hamburger rolls. Now I will have to wait to make my Manwich. I usually make it then eat it over a couple of days. I am the only one that likes it.

My voices are back, full time again. It is weird because I took the abilify last night and you would think they wouldn’t come back, but they did. I still don’t feel like myself, though. It’s hard to explain. I got a buzzing going on in my head and I don’t know if that is good or not. I know that things are slower, my thoughts are slower. I am moving my normal speed and stuff, but I feel retarded. Like when I was walking to the post office today. Every step felt like I was walking in mud. And my breathing reflected the labor. My back acted up while I was putting the groceries away. I couldn’t stand and walk too long. It really sucked. And I was walking at a deliberate pace from the stairwell to the kitchen. Not a far walk but it still cramped up my back. I have been trying to stay hydrated the past few days to see if that helped with my cramping and it hasn’t. I don’t know why I am getting mid-back spasms. I am not doing anything strenuous.

I need to shower sometime before I go to bed tonight. I am sweaty from my labors today and I leaked. Always fun to smell urine and then realize it is you and not someone else. I don’t understand how I can be leaking when I really haven’t been peeing that much. It drives me crazy. Thanks CES for messing up my life!