I was talking to my psychiatrist yesterday. She said that I sound more like I was in grief than being depressed. I had to agree with her because I felt more sad than depressed. And there is a difference. I don’t think I can explain it but there is a difference.
I saw my father last night. He was in a terrible state. It had me second guessing whether I made the right decision in holding off on extended measures. But I talked with my psych and she assured me it is harder on family members than it is the patients. He didn’t appear to be suffering, which is a good thing. I would hate for him to suffer during his last few days.
I have been trying to make sense of this. I think this is harder on my “kids” than anything. They are adults but I still consider them my “kids”. They are my nieces and nephew. Tomorrow is going to be hard because we are meeting with hospice.
I have been struggling with my suicidal urges off and on yesterday. Mostly, I have been too sad to think about them so they just pass. I really think that when this is done, I will be hospital bound. I can’t see myself not going in the hospital. The grief will be just too much on top of this lousy depression, if I still have it.
It’s weird being so sad. It’s like the heaviness of the depression is gone but this sadness has moved in, overtaking everything you feel. I have never been so sad before. I hope that it’s temporary. I don’t know what is going to happen in the days ahead. It’s hard seeing my father like this. He is so weak and fragile. Because he isn’t eating, he lost more weight and muscle tone. Yesterday, I cancelled all his future appointments. It was difficult because they asked me why I needed to cancel and I just said that my father is dying and won’t be around when the appointment comes. I called his PCP and left a message to thank him for his service. I will also send a card after my father passes. Even though I didn’t like the guy, my father did.
I am really nervous about meeting hospice but I hope it will crack through my sister’s denial that my father is going to recover. I know she doesn’t want him to die but he has lived a long life and his time has come. I don’t know what to expect from this meeting. I do expect tears.