Grief is a process
I am reminded of the words said in the movie “Analyze That” where the psychiatrist who lost his father says that grief is a process.
I found out today that my father does not have long to live. They have given him a week tops. He is severely dehydrated. I would be surprised if he lives longer than the next 7 days. I found out this information right before my psychiatrist appointment. I spent most of the time there crying and trying to hold back tears. I was so grief stricken.
My phone kept going off because I forgot to shut it off before the appointment like I usually do. I was just out of sorts today. I haven’t told my sisters yet. I really don’t know what to tell them because we know he is going to die. We have hospice tomorrow so I think that will hopefully sink in a little more for them than it does me.
Been listening to Pearl Jam since I left my appointment with my psych. It’s the only music I want to listen to when I am upset. I feel numb since being told about my father. He is on comfort measures only, which I want him to be. I have to change the orders because I had given them permission to go to the hospital for fluids. That was when I thought he would be recovering and be sent home. Now things have changed, drastically.
My therapist asked me a stupid question today. She asked if I remembered what my father was like when I was between the ages of 1-5. Like seriously? Who has those memories? I am lucky if I remember what I had for breakfast today, let alone what happened to me when I was 5. I know the voices started when I was 5, but other than that, I don’t remember much.
It’s warm outside today but the house is cold as anything. I had to wear my thermal socks as my feet are wicked cold. I’m also in a long sleeved t-shirt. I am so tired. I have been up since 0600. It wasn’t planned as I had to go to the bathroom and didn’t want to go back to sleep because my alarm was set to go off in 45 min. I have been calling family members which has been the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. But grief is a process and dealing with family members and their support means so much. I feel like a burden has been lifted and that it’s not a secret anymore.