Grief is a Process

Grief is a process

I am reminded of the words said in the movie “Analyze That” where the psychiatrist who lost his father says that grief is a process.

I found out today that my father does not have long to live. They have given him a week tops. He is severely dehydrated. I would be surprised if he lives longer than the next 7 days. I found out this information right before my psychiatrist appointment. I spent most of the time there crying and trying to hold back tears. I was so grief stricken.

My phone kept going off because I forgot to shut it off before the appointment like I usually do. I was just out of sorts today. I haven’t told my sisters yet. I really don’t know what to tell them because we know he is going to die. We have hospice tomorrow so I think that will hopefully sink in a little more for them than it does me.

Been listening to Pearl Jam since I left my appointment with my psych. It’s the only music I want to listen to when I am upset. I feel numb since being told about my father. He is on comfort measures only, which I want him to be. I have to change the orders because I had given them permission to go to the hospital for fluids. That was when I thought he would be recovering and be sent home. Now things have changed, drastically.

My therapist asked me a stupid question today. She asked if I remembered what my father was like when I was between the ages of 1-5. Like seriously? Who has those memories? I am lucky if I remember what I had for breakfast today, let alone what happened to me when I was 5. I know the voices started when I was 5, but other than that, I don’t remember much.

It’s warm outside today but the house is cold as anything. I had to wear my thermal socks as my feet are wicked cold. I’m also in a long sleeved t-shirt. I am so tired. I have been up since 0600. It wasn’t planned as I had to go to the bathroom and didn’t want to go back to sleep because my alarm was set to go off in 45 min. I have been calling family members which has been the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. But grief is a process and dealing with family members and their support means so much. I feel like a burden has been lifted and that it’s not a secret anymore.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Grief is a Process

  1. Maribelle says:

    Yes. And remember. Your process is different from my process. And everyone else’s process. Be kind and patient with yourself. And others. It is a tough time. It is tough for those who care about you. Forgive them when they don’t know what to say. I understand why your therapist asked you that question. It helps me to remember my dad before he got sick. To remember my mom and our life before he got sick. Love and peace.

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    you are right. grief is a process and you should give yourself time as much time as you need to grieve. dont rush it for anyone. XXX

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