Can’t sleep for a lot of reasons

Can’t sleep for a lot of reasons

I am so tired that I can’t sleep. I have a million things on my mind. It didn’t help that my brother in law pissed me off with his ignorance in medical matters. The idiot thought my father is in acute liver failure. I had to correct him several times. Then he thought that the medication my father has been taking for years has contributed to the kidney failure. He just doesn’t get it. And it’s so painful because he thinks he is right and the world is wrong.

I also have been fighting my suicidal urges for most of the evening. I took 2 mg of Ativan to calm myself down as I am just a wreck. The news of my father being in KIDNEY failure is not sitting well with me. I know that it is going to be down hill after this. He is just going to get worse. I keep praying he goes in his sleep one of these days.

I also took 900 mg of Neurontin because I can’t stand the burning in my ankle/foot anymore. It’s been helping increase my appetite the last few days. I am hoping I can have my favorite breakfast sandwich tomorrow and finish it without a problem.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am nervous about seeing her. I told her today that I think my father is going to die within a week’s time and that hospice has been called. I also told her that I have to put off going in the hospital because my father is closer to dying. I can’t wait for this to be over with. It’s been really tough. My youngest sister is in denial about him dying. She said it “doesn’t make sense”. I don’t know what to say to make it make sense for her. She thinks that my father will bounce back and have the energy he once had. Denial is a powerful thing.

I hate being in pain but especially nerve pain because Neurontin is the only thing that helps with it but it takes hours for it to work. That’s why I took the Ativan to help me sleep. I really felt like taking the rest of the bottle but I didn’t. My psych would have really put me in the hospital if I did, regardless of the situation with my father. I can’t risk being sectioned involuntarily.

I wish I could just lay down and fall asleep. I am going to try in a little bit. Today has been such a hard day and I didn’t need the tangle with my brother in law to get me more upset. I just hope that I don’t wake up at 0400 like I have the past few mornings. That has really disrupted my sleep, not to say I have been sleeping right but it just makes it worse.

I have been slowly gaining interest back with the Sox. They are doing horrible tonight. They have had a few chances to score and blew it. Right now they are scoreless in extra innings, least they were when I last checked.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Can’t sleep for a lot of reasons

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    i hate when sleep doesnt come even when you lie down and try hard to go to sleep. i know about kidney failure my grandad passed away from that. good your gaining interest back in some areas. XX

  2. Maribelle says:

    I am truly so very sorry. There are no adequate words that can help lessen this pain. The loss of a parent is hard. No matter our age, circumstances of our relationship, or health of our parent. You are in my thoughts and heart in the difficult days ahead.

  3. I am so sorry for everything your going through. Keep going and do the best you can

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