A difficult day

I just got off the phone with my therapist and now I am feeling really suicidal. My pain went up a few notches just before we got off the phone so I think that is why the urges creeped up. We spent the session talking about going into the hospital and the reasons for it. Frankly, I think her anxiety was more than enough to convince me that I need to be in the hospital. Question is when. I suppose I can go in after the meeting with the nursing home people. I will just have them call me because it is a short meeting and I don’t want to lug my backpack there and then lug it back to the hospital where I will be admitted.

I got my menses today, which totally sucks. I am glad I am not in the hospital this week because having your menses while in just sucks. I rather be at home dealing with this. I just found out that my father is doing worse. His kidneys are failing. Social worker called and wants us to be in the care of hospice. So that lady just called me after I got off the phone with my sister to tell her what is going on. It’s like boom boom boom. I am so stressed out and sad.

My mother wanted to know what kind of pasta I wanted for supper. I am not hungry at all. I had breakfast but no lunch. I just want to sleep. The depression is just getting worse and I just don’t know what to do with myself. My therapist says that I have been dangling off a cliff for more than a month now. But with the new information about my father, I really can’t make a decision to be in the hospital. I could never forgive myself if he died while I was there.

Now it’s the time for calling my cousins and letting them know their uncle is going to pass. This is going to be the toughest phone call I will have to make.

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