finally cooling off

Finally cooling off

T storms have finally arrived and it is much cooler than it has been the past few days. The humidity is down. I just shut my AC off after running it the past few days. I was sweating earlier so changed to a tank top. And cue my leg flaring up.my foot feels like electricity is running through it. It is so damn painful and is cold as ice.

I worked on the Suicidal Thoughts Workbook and it was hard. One of the exercises was writing about psychological pain or psychache as I call it. I never ran so fast away from a book before. I just didn’t know what to write so I just started writing in third person and got through it. Then it talked about hope and I got stuck. It was harder to write than about pain. I wrote it in my notebook so I don’t ruin the workbook. I then sent what I had written to my therapist. Told her this was hard.

I have been listening to Taylor all day. Folklore and evermore. Her music has been soothing to me today. I have been so sleepy and I don’t know why as I slept decently. I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night. I feel wicked depressed for some reason. I still can’t get out of my head what my mother said about having a hysterectomy. She thinks it is “foolish” and that I won’t get my menses anymore. That is the whole fucking point. I know she equates the organ with womanhood. Sorry but I am not a fucking woman. I am not her daughter. Makes me so mad and hurt at the same time.

My back has been hurting the past few hours. I don’t know what I did or didn’t do. My neck is bothering me too. I took some Tylenol because the headache I have had since Friday came back today. I think it is because of the weather. I just want to sleep but know that if I do, I will be up in the middle of the night again, worsening my sleep issues. I just wish I wasn’t tired all the time. I never have energy anymore. I push myself to do things to get things done. Tomorrow I am getting my haircut and I want to get some more Gatorade. I have been drinking a lot to stay hydrated in this heat.

I am glad the Sox are in St. Pete as it is still threatening to rain in Boston. The are in first place right now but the Rays are in second so we could flip flop if they win. Our pitching hasn’t been the best since they have enforced the no “sticky” rule. My favorite pitcher is pitching tonight. He hasn’t done too good his last few starts. He faces a tough team tonight. Hope they don’t rough him up too badly.