therapy was rough

Therapy was rough

I had therapy this morning. I was surprisingly awake. We talked a good deal about our alliance and why it was so tough to talk to her at times. At the end of this month it will be two years that we have been seeing each other and I still have a wall between us. The wall is mostly me and my insecurities about our relationship. She is frustrated with me. Can’t say I blame her. I am glad she was honest with me about it.

We talked about how I was frustrated that I only see her for 45 mins a week. I’ve never had a therapist with so little time before. She said that she shouldn’t be the sole support as it isn’t fair to either of us. I agreed but I have in the past solely depended on my treatment team to support me. I told her I was working on a CBT workbook for suicidal thoughts and she said that if I worked at least a half hour with it and sent her proof, she would give me a second session. I asked her why she was doing this and she said because I am trying.

I had two cups of coffee today and I still needed a nap. I had such a headache after therapy. I took some Tylenol. I’ve had this headache since Friday. It goes away with the Tylenol but comes back when it wears off. I messaged my pcp about it to see if anything can be done. I don’t know if it is because of stress or what that is the cause of the headache. I have a busy week with appointments. I see uro the end of the week to try and get a handle on the urethral pain. I have been cathing more and that seems to be helping with decreasing the pain. I might be straining myself while peeing and that is causing me pain. I had an accident this morning. I dreamt I was peeing and woke up to find myself wet. Luckily I didn’t wet the bed. I washed up afterwards but I still needed a shower. It took me a while to get back to sleep. I didn’t want to get up when my med alarm went off. But I had to get up because therapy was in two hours and I wanted at least one cup of coffee in me.

I took a shower after therapy. Then I made another cup of coffee and tried to write something for my book but couldn’t. I didn’t know what to write. I got hit with brain fog after I finished the coffee and it was so hard to think. I tried napping but I still haven’t slept and I just feel so drained.

I worked on a chapter in my workbook and sent it to my therapist when I was finished. The book brought up some tough feelings and memories. I wrote it in pencil so that it would be easier to erase if I made a mistake while writing. I’ve gotten in the habit of using a pencil while writing now. I don’t know why. I still use a pen when I feel like it. I started using the pencil while taking notes on the MLB book that I am reading. I still need to find a comp book to write the notes in. I meant to look today and forgot. I did find my checkbooks so I call it even.

any thoughts?

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