JUly 4th 2022

July 4th 2022

I may get grief for this but I don’t feel American on this Independence Day. Women losing their bodily autonomy, guns having more rights than fetuses, rapists getting to raise their own children. This isn’t the America I grew up with. So GOP congress and the 6 Justices can go to hell.

How do we then effectively stop the lethal pain? The answer is revealed in reseach: we have to be person centered or person oriented (Lenaars 2004). Key to helping any suicidal person “tell me what’s happening. Where do you hurt”?

These things are what is on my mind today. I finished the suicide chapter I was reading and it had a lot of good information on it. I bought the book by Lenaars. I don’t know if I will get to read it but I bought it none the less. I am in a very icky mood. I shaved and showered. I brushed my teeth. But it didn’t take the icky feeling away.

I am proceeding with ketamine therapy. It is my last hope. I don’t know when treatment will start. My psychiatrist has to put in the referral and then I need to meet with one of the psychiatrists at the center for evaluation. They will be the ones making the decision if I have ketamine or not.

I ordered groceries. They should be coming soon. I just feel blah today. I haven’t really eaten anything other than oatmeal and coffee. I plan on having a smoothie for dinner. I forgot to order water. I wish I had a subscription to Poland Springs so that water could be delivered and I don’t have to worry about it. But the bitch won’t allow it.

After I finish BATA, I plan on reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. I should finish BATA by the end of the week, I hope. There are about 8 chapters left. I slept pretty good but I am still tired. This heat is killing me. I hate summer so much. I feel like I got to stay in my AC’d room to stay cool. I feel wicked depressed today. Keep thinking about death. It is constantly on my mind. I honestly don’t think I can ever not think about it. It has been on my mind for years now. One day I hope I will end it.

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