another sleepless night

Another sleepless night

I had about a two hour nap before I woke up because I was hot and sweaty. I then had to use the bathroom and that was it. I am now up for the past three hours, unable to get back to sleep. This is becoming a pattern for me. I don’t like it. I wish I had some Ativan but I don’t. For whatever reason, the attending doctor at the hospital didn’t give me ANY prns to take. I got to wait till Thursday to see my psychiatrist to get some, I hope.

I am listening to Someday again. I was listening to Matchbox 20 when the song came on as I have it on the playlist. Now it is on repeat until I go back to sleep. I read a few chapters of Building a life worth living. I find that I am relating more to the writer as I go along. I am going to tell my therapist about apparent competence as I know I have it. It is when you seem ok when you really aren’t and no one suspects otherwise. I read some more. I am at the point where Dr. Linehan graduates with a doctorate from Loyola University. She had a difficult time finding a job as a clinician-researcher, at first. All she wanted to do was help people get out of their hell they were in.

I have often been asked what gets me through a suicidal episode. What I always say is, “I don’t know”. I say this because each episode is different so I use different things. Sometimes I reach out, sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I distract with social media. My friend in Canada had told me that I should have reached out rather than take my overdose. I wasn’t thinking clearly then. I was very upset and rather than taking a step back to think about what to do, I just acted on my feelings impulsively. It took a few days for me to get so sick to end up in the emergency room. The last thing I remember was being in the ED waiting to go up to the floor to begin dialysis. Everything from then on becomes blurred. I have a memory where a nurse was saying to me about something I had said about chickens. I still don’t remember fully what the hell I was thinking. I remember another moment where one of the doctors was telling me they were very worried about me but I don’t know why they were worried. I was primarily on the same floor but in different rooms on the floor. I was in a double room with men but then I was moved to a private room, probably because I had to be on precautions as the nurses kept having to put on protective gowns to enter my room. This continued until I was close to being discharged from the psych unit of the hospital. I was discharged in a catatonic state where I stayed home for about 9 days before I was readmitted to another hospital for mental health care. I still don’t remember why I was admitted other than I was so fricken confused and couldn’t think straight to save my life. I just kept answering yes to all their questions, including if I was suicidal.

I watched Titanic for the millionth time again. It is one of my favorite movies. I had to watch it because it is all I thought about while I was in the hospital for some reason. After the movie, I tried watching Lincoln but I was too sleepy. I ended up resting for an hour before I finally fell asleep after I took my night meds.

I have nothing planned for the day. I am trying to not get worked up over my pcp appointment this week. I keep thinking the worse because it is what I am used to doing. If I think the worse, then it won’t happen, and usually I have a good outcome. My biggest concern is about top surgery proceeding forward. Soon as I get the ok, I can move up the pre-surgical consult appointment. I have a few questions about the procedure. I also want to have a visiting nurse come post op to help with the draining of the drains. I don’t think I will be able to do it myself. My sisters will be working so I won’t have help and I don’t feel comfortable with my mother taking care of me in anyway, shape, or form. I doubt she will like the idea of it anyways.

I have been up since 2300 last night. I have tried to sleep a few times and just couldn’t relax enough to even snooze. I am fricken exhausted. I feel like there is a huge weight on my shoulders. I don’t feel like eating so I have just been drinking Ensure max protein drinks. I am in a depressed mood and just can’t bring myself to cook something. I was going to pick up my prescription but bailed. I don’t feel like going out today. I will get it tomorrow morning. I think if I leave my house around 0930, it should be enough time to get back to Boston for my pcp appointment. I got a message to call registration so I did. They asked me questions about Medicare. It didn’t take too long. Just hope I will be able to sleep around 2000 tonight. I really need to get some ZZs

any thoughts?

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