Random blog 27112022
I had placed Amazon orders last week and most of them are being delivered today so I feel like Christmas has come early for me. I had to order a new Titanic DVD because I have no idea where my copy is and I am too overwhelmed with trying to find it. Soon as it comes I will be watching it. It is my favorite movie. I seen it in theaters 16 times. I was really into it when it came out.
This is my new favorite song and when I saw this video, I started crying because there LGBTQ near the end of the song. One of the psych nurses shared this song with me and it so resonates with me. It gives me all the feels.
I am getting nervous as Tues approaches and I see my pcp. The first two times I saw her I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. I was in a catatonic state and all I did was say yes to everything that was asked of me. I wasn’t too talkative. I thought the doctor was talking in sign language with my sister as she had accompanied me there to get rid of my medications. I am still pissed my sister got rid of my meds. I understand why she did but I don’t like it. Now I am scrambling to get them as I only am getting a three day supply at a time until I see my pcp and pdoc. It is very frustrating because I have to “special” order the Latuda because it is a brand name medication, just for three fucking pills.
I plan on reading most of the day today. I have no other plans as my sister is picking up my meds at the pharmacy. I don’t have to go across town to get them. I will have to do that tomorrow. I just added the pharmacy that is in the Square so that I can pick up there and get Starbucks afterwards or Chipotle. I can also go for pizza at the restaurant across from the T station. I have weird memories about the square because my sister used to work there when her office was there. Now she works in the North Shore as a manager. She has moved up in her job and I am so proud of her.
Other than feeling anxious, I am also struggling with the depression and the darkness inside me. I think the darkness is fueled by the hopelessness I feel. I really hope that my new pcp cares enough to listen to what I have to say about being trans and how important it is that she clear me for top surgery. I am trying not to catastrophize about it. It fills me with dread and sadness and despair when I think what would happen if she says she cannot clear me because of x. Or if she wants to wait a bit and see how I do outside the hospital for a while. Trouble is, I don’t want to fucking wait. I want the surgery scheduled as soon as possible, not wait till fucking March to see the surgeon.
I got to take a walk. I am feeling cooped up and frustrated because of what I am writing about my surgery. This is so fucking important to me right now. I wrote on Twitter last night that the social worker at the hospital said it is “life-saving surgery” and it truly is. I cannot stand to be in this body the way it is right now. It is so incongruent to how I feel as a man. One of the nurses in the hospital wants me to write a book about being trans. I had written a page. I just need to type it up and then collect some of my dysphoria blogs to have a few chapters. I just need to edit out the stuff that is my daily report of how things go for the day.
I am thinking of going to Starbucks with my laptop and see how much of the story of being trans goes. It might be a good experiment. I will try not to connect to the internet while there as that will just bring on a Twitter binge. Before I can go out, I do need to shower. It has been more than a couple days since I last took one. I am starting to smell again. I need to remember to use deodorant after I shower. I always forget to use it. I have like three different brands of deodorant, each smell different. I have one that is 48 hours long. I sometimes use that if I have appointments that are back to back days. I see my pdoc this week. I honestly don’t remember the last time I saw him. I think I saw him as I was leaving the psych unit of the hospital but I am not sure if it was him or not. Going to be weird seeing him again.